what do i realli wan?

finally managed to talk to my mum... had a heart to heart chat with her for like 3 hours~! ha... it's always like tt... well, this time, i reminded myself throughout the chat, to listen to her opinions more insteadof defending my stands and my beliefs as usual... it worked.. it was an open n peaceful chat... not realli tt peaceful after all.. u'll know y later...

hm... she brought up many points which i totally agree.. in fact i've seen all tt even before she brought it up... it's true... when i go uni, i'll be very busy.. i'll have much lesser time with dear... not sure if he would mind.. not sure if any of us will have 2nd tots about our relationship and not be able to resist the temptations around us.. it is quite true to say tt we will be in different stages of our lives and experiencing diff things... our minds will mature and change...

would he still be the one i love?
would we differ so much that we can no longer compromise with one another? would he mind tt people ard me and myself r uni grads?
would he develop low self esteem?
(i certainly hope not.. his confidence is one of the positive qualities i like about him... )
would we have common goals in life?
(it'll be real tough if we dun)

so many doubts, so many questions, so many uncertainties.. i wished i knew how we would be like in future.. i do not wan to get hurt. if i have to, i rather feel it now then later. becoz love will grow with time. if there's no love, there's no hate. if i'm gonna feel the pain later, ít may become unbearable... it's a turning point of my life... i'm not sure which way to go...

talked to dear today... cried like shit on the bus to his house... i knew it was coming... i knew he wouldnt accept the idea of going for a degree... i understand how hard it would be.. academically, he hasnt done well enuff to go to a local uni... finacially, he cant afford thousands of dollars for a typical 3 or 4 year course... but i just hope tt he will upgrade so he can get a better job in future... it's not jus for me.. it's for himself.. n us.. our future... i dun wish to have any gap between us... sigh...

but wad he said was true... we're not facing the problem yet.. shouldnt get too panaroid about it.. i agree.. i jus wan both of us to be aware of it... so tt we can be prepared and will be able to overcome the obstacles better.... sigh.. keeping my fingers crossed....

It's tough to be the eldest child...

on bad terms with my mum again.. it's kinda sad.. i cant communicate with her. we dun understand each other... ya... i'm very envious of pple getting along so well with their mums as if they are friends.. u noe.. it's a pity... we have different opinions on everything even though the same blood runs in our veins... damn... i'm as tired and sick of this deteoriating relationship.. i never had any intentions to worsen it... if i ever did, blame it on my carelessness and insensitivity.. i know i am.. at times...

i've finally decided on NUS... the seniors and profs played a huge part in it... met them.. had seven to one sessions.. and it was very informative... yet casual... cool i've decided to go for chem engin camp too... since i'm going there all alone.. need to know more pple... she's definitely very happy tt i chose NUS.. sets her mind at ease.. my choice.. partly for her... she must be thinking, "for once, she's listening to me, hedding my advice"... *roll eyes.. come on, i always did... it just takes time to process thru my own set of values... and i noe.. i'm rebellious.. the trick is.. not to challenge me... u wont get wad u wan if u push it too hard...

anyway, back to the prob of my life... yes.. u didnt hear it wrongly.. PROB OF MY LIFE... it will probably be haunting me all my life.... u noe... i realise how little she understands me... all her claims.. she got no idea that i've thought of all the things she said way before all her complaints.... yes i have taught of working part time or giving tuition to earn more, or at least enuff for my pocket money.. but i have a responsibility, a commitment now... it's filial piety... i need to repay my coach... it's been 2 mths? but i cant let it go now.. becoz june will be intensive training mth for my dear hopeful juniors... i cant work part time.. becoz no job will allow me to choose when i wanna work... i wouldnt like my weekends to be taken away.. i had a taste of it.. not being able to visit granny n have dinner with the family on sat.. is quite sad.. n i will also lose time with dear chris.. and tuition... sounds easy huh? but i dun wanna start sth i cant commit for long.. it just aint fair for the kid if i just drop it when uni starts... i'm not sure if i can cope... but some seniors did.. so.. now.. i tot of giving it a try.. but where do i get the kids from? someone pls help me promote... pri to sec shouldnt be a prob... jc.. maybe chem n maths also can make it..

she thinks i'm tt immature... i gotta live up to her expectations.. how her eldest child should be like.. wad kinda person she wanna me to be like.. sick of it man.... yes u noe u cant force me to do anything i dun wan.. i've always been much more independent than the other 2 boys.. i had no choice.. tt was how i was brought up.. since i have 2 younger bro... so dun blame me for believing in myself so much... it takes some time for me to process other's advises or opinion.. i'm not a sponge.. i dun accept and suck up everything tt comes along.. isnt tt gd? having a mind of my own? ah... ya... i'm very sure my mum's advises are for my own good.. no doubt about tt... but pple do make mistakes, don't they? i do, don't u? if i did not stick thru the rough times of handling both softball n my studies, i wouldnt be who i am today.. my positive attributes that softball has shaped me into... i'm proud of it.. and myself... i'm glad i didnt let u stop me..

i still cant tok to her.. sigh.. i dunno how... we're a distance apart... i got no prob toking to my dad if i wan to... my mum... she just shows tt black face all the time.. never cools down and listen to me... when i pour out my feelings, she always have her "definitely right, dun doubt me"arguments... arh... i dunno how to tok to her... i wan to... but i'm helpless...

pple.. read my testimonial... i am a gd listener... a team coordinator in my PW group.. not to get points... but its me.. from the bottom of my heart.. i saw it coming.. all the inetrnal disputes... it's for the benefit of my group... i am self centered.. but i am open and do accept others'opinions... so hello... dun tell me i dun listen to u~!

NUS or NTU?

I got a headache seah... yes... good... NUS offered me chem engin too... but no... unfortunately and fortunately, I'll have to choose between the two... obviously my mum wans me to go NUS.. why? becoz she works there... transportation wise is so much easier n cheaper... but u noe how mug nus is... n i hate tt... i believe in an all rounded education. i dun wanna just mug my entire 4 years thru like tt.. i wanna play halls games, wanna join clubs.. wanna forge life long frenships..n nus have this sickening bidding system for certain courses or lectures.. wa so sianz... wth... n ntu... it's more lively.. yes it seems... but it's so freaking far... yes it's still in singapore.. but i dun wanna spend 3h to n fro... wad a waste of time.. if i were to study in NTU, i would have to stay in the hostel... n man's fav comes along.. $$$$$$ .... sigh... i dunno.. tml there's NUS fac of engin open house... hope it's gd n realli informative.. so i can compare and finally decide.. my parents are anxious.. both asking me where i would choose right after i start reading the letters and booklets.. it's my future.. i realli gotta stop and think carefully...

hm.... o... did situational fielding with the sec1s today... at the same time, we taught the sec1s how to run bases too... hm.. running bases was much easier i guess.. for me, i focused more on the sec2s... i think tt their basics r good.. just tt they r not experienced enuff.. sometimes very blur... especially when there r more than 1 runners running.. poor thing.. a few of them cried... becoz they didnt do well today and they feel pressurized to win the championship title... it's like it's somehow becoming a tradition for TKGS to win C div champion... so.. ya.. i understand... but then again, i was surprised... coz i didnt expect these young gals to be so ambitous... to think so far... it's like nationals wont start in a mth time... they havent even played a national game... u noe.. dun think about the outcome... focus on the process and the outcome will take care of itself... hm.. it never realli got into me.. not such things... i aim to get the title... but i dun worry? hm... anyway shaz talked to them... n i hope they r ok... their next training is in june camp.. hope they cna gain more confidence in themselves.. another thing is... i do wish to talk to them... not tt i'm good with words.. but i feel tt they need to strengthen their mental skills... yes skills.. it is a skill... those were the day when we were lucky to have ms tng... who did so much.. organised mental training sessions for us.. i think they need it to... but we dun have it anymore... may be i can tok to them.. share a bit of wad i've learnt.. i wanna help them...

kate- bless u...

XL's fren, tYrAeL aka cHiN sOoN aka aNdY aka sOoNiE aka cHiNnY aka cHiNs aka sPaRdA... lol... into me a blog to read yesterday... it was an eye opener... astonishing~!!! let me quote some of the blogger's interesting writings... firstly, she calls herself "Teenage Callgirl" in her blog.

Shocking quotes from her blog:

1. If u wld like me to repeat myself, to quote those who have said, "U sleep around". So far, till this date I have had only engage in Sexual intercourse. The kind with ur dick in a vagina... With 2 guys. None for $. 1 rape. 2.willingly.
2. Haha.. you know you can't afford my lifestyle. U can't afford my pussy.
3. A 5figure bank a/c. I already have that so to say. But it isn't enough. Nothing is ever enough. Thats human nature. 5figure... i can scan a copy of my bank book n show u guys. @14yrs old my bank account have already hit 10k. Therefore, many sickening poor teenage guys wldn't pay for dates. Would they ?
4. 16plus. I'm barely legal. But yet, again I'm legal. Fresh meat.

u should roughly get the idea wad kinda gal she is? for those who r innocent or too "clean"in the head, let me spell it out to you.. she's a social escort.... if not, of some kind similar... she's realli young.. not tt i am much older.. but i am shocked by wad she's doing.. the way she thinks about the society, about love and worst, about sex... she doesnt believe in love. she thinks tt most conform. she thinks tt 150 for sex is too little and 500 is rejectable.... not tt i feel tt she should charge any more or less... i just dun think she should sell herself... she denies and give excuses that she isnt.. she calls it a transaction... perhaps it is so.. to her or her kind... but to me, it's just morally wrong.. wad has the media done to us? should we take a step back, stop, and look around and see wad has the world became? wad kinda impact the media has for our youth, the innocent naive minds who r not matured enough to distinguish the gd from the bad and make their own decisions? ok let's stop the GP thing... but seriously... it caught my attention becoz of her attitude towards sex n the way she thinks about selling herself...

even though i believe tt it is wrong, i still admire her to some extent for her straightforwardness, boldness and honesty... she seems like a rich and well- educated gal...if u read carefully and take notice of her choice of words... concise and wide vocab... shamefully or perhaps not, her english is probably stronger than mine... her writings provoke my mind and perhaps have infected or influenced the rest. if not, there will not be so many patriots. but of coz, the patriots includes the pervertic wolves who are interested to get into her pants... I do not think tt it's all her fault to become who she is today. the society plays apart. her family background plays a part. the rapist must have played a part too. whether her story is real or not, i bless kate and wish tt she would not be harmed further..

this blog of a young lady has shown us how human in the world has changed. have we become better man? has the world become a better place, for u and for me.. and the entire human race... lala... (there goes micheal jackson's song).. pardon me for being so corny... but.. realli... look at wad this young gal is thinking. i am very sure she's not the onli one. she's right. ur best fren might be one of her kind. the gal u have lunch with everyday might be one of her kind. or perhaps ur cousin? ur daughter? ur neice?

sigh.. i feel sad... hm.. enuff of blogging about this.. but her blog is sure interesting to read.... not tt i agree with some of her views...

long time no blog~!

ah... i dunno wad to blog about actually... lost touch with blogging... i've been keeping our dear love diary... so there isnt a point for me to blog realli... i've been writing all about my boring days in the pink lock book... it's cool.. it has 2 secret compartments in it... cool seah... anyway, i wrote all my MISSING Us and lovey dovey stuff inside... hee... proud of it... so dear can know wad's happening to me when he's not around with me...

anyway, i just read a few of my fren's blog... hm... christine's is forever nice... her england's like damn powderful.... she can realli express herself well.. hm.. i wonder... y not giver her the best blog award? i've read tt xiao xue's blog.. hm... i gotta admit.. it's realli funny... all the flash work tt she put up.. it's not very pro.. but comical indeed... i think tt's y pple like to read other's blog.. we're just born kpo... we feel tt our life's too boring.. like to poke our nose into others' business.. like to know wad's happening to pple around us... but christine's as good.. coz it's enlightening... she's a natural GP A1-ner... yup~! hm... o n bong's... quite interesting... so sianz.... y r so many interesting things happening to everyone? my life's so boring.. just stone at home all day... i'm wondering if i should go back to work... but then again, dear's gonna POP soon... he'll have a week break... and i realli wanna spend everyday with him if possible... we're thinking of going for a holiday together.. but will mum allow me to? sigh... tt's y i cant start work yet... even if i can find one, it wont be nice for me to take a week leave when i can onli work for a few months...

o... i check out the curriculumn and realised tt nus n ntu offers the same course. went for ntu tea party and almost got misleaded by them.. yes ntu is the onli sch in sg offering a degree in chem n biomolecular engineering.. but guess wad.. it's juts a difference in the name... they still study the same stuff... so... i dunno seah... looks like i got no excuse to choose ntu over nus... i'm torn apart... i've a better impression of ntu.. it seems like a more lively school.. of coz i'm going uni to mug and get my degree... but i wan an enriching 4 years... not just plain boring mugging.. i've always believe tt we should get a all-rounded education... nus's like so mugger... i dun like... n they have this bidding system for certain courses.. sianz... but on the other hand, my mum works there.. i can get free rides whenever possible... ntu seems nice.. but it's so far seah... so ulu.. prob have to stay in hostel.. if not i'll be spending close to 2 h just to get to ntu... sianz... how how?

"Lonely"

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,
I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,

Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there ya kno got that one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave
I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin

I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Cant belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right, I
Really wanna make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing u
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)
I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you'd be gone this long, I jus want u to call my phone, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl I didn't mean to shout, I want me and you to work it out, I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy cuz...

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)
I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll
Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely

3 CHEERS TO VJ SOFTBALL GALS~!

Wa La wA lA~! we are the CHAMPIONS~! hee... even though I am not in the team, I'm still so proud of them! we beat hcjc like 6-1 la~! tt's like trashing~! wahahaha~! I am up on cloud no. 9~! yeah yeah~!

okok relax shirley... let's reflect on how everything happened..i met cheryl at orchard today.. we were supposed to shop for her mom's mother's day present.. we didnt get anything in the end.. but it was kinda fun.. and time always pass fast when u r shopping, when u r having fun.. hehe... we went to Tangs.. there's this super big lingerie section where there's this realli COOL nice changing rooms side. One of the changing rooms is called Queen of Hearts~! It like so shiok la~! a bit bigger, u can make it a bedroom already. It might be the same size as some of the bedrooms in the new condos~! It has this super big mirror in front, place for hangers and this big round couch or wadevre u call it! so cool.. it realli deserves it's name... prob live like a real queen if u have tt as just ur changing room at home~! the rest are smaller but quite nice too.. and all the bras are like super cute n super sweet! i feel like buying all of them~! eeek~! I just have this thing for lingeries... sadly, no money... haha.. I was trying to stop myself from trying anything on so tt i wont have a chance to buy anything.. lol..

ok after all the shopping, we took a cab to hcjc since we forgot about time while having so much fun shopping. just when we board the taxi, it started to rain~! cheryl was like "WTH~!" we're both kinda angry la.. waste our cab fare... the guys started first and the game went on n off, on n off due to the rain. they onli managed to finish 1st top where hsien yao, 2nd batter made a nice hit to left field. for some reason, perhaps he was too desp, he didnt listen to coach albert and tried to go to 3. I thought that wad coach albert said was true. Even if u r the fastest runner, u will not get urself safe on 3.. the ball simply travel faster than the runner. It's guys playing after all~! fortunately for them i tot, the game was postponed by the good umpire who dislike to play in a rain. but it's kinda sianz... coz i was looking forward to this game too. i tot vj had a chance to beat hcjc.

o well, den it was the gal's turn. somehow or rather, I have great faith in my juniors. in my heart, i always believe tt they r the better team. so i had no doubts tt it will not go their way! yeah! 1st inning, hcjc managed to score a run. we fought back and got one run. if i am not wrong, most prob, it's candice's home run. wa she hit damn nice la.. it's a drive to between cf n rf... it was clear.. went all the way to the rock stairs of hcjc.. right at the end of tt flight of stairs... NICE~! BRAVO CAN CAN~! well, in the beggining they didnt make gd hits. it was better later. hcjc did hit pretty well in the beginning too. it was diane's ball la. not tt she's not gd. she is. alamak.. she's onli sec3 and she's striking out pple like ESTHER~! lol.. i wonder if hcjc knows... so no face la~! anyway, diane's pitch is not as heavy as putri's.. so easier to send out lo.. but i realli think she improved a lot.. i am sure she'll be a pro by year 1... ya... and i think they can realli trust their fielders.. outfield like how zai~! meiling's catch was superb~! jump n caught~! wa so nice~! PRO~! i think it was 4th or 5th inning tt vj started wacking and hcjc started fumbling... and there came 3 runs... making it 6-1... hehehe.... O ya.. since vj started batting, they had to finish all 5 innings.. the last caught by bong was the most unforgettable~! coach zhang like how smart! so experienced tt she could predict wad kinda ball the batter will hit by the way she holds her bat. i noticed too... the batter's bat was slanted down, brought lower so tt her cut down could be made faster to meet put's ball... not sure if it will be be a gd drive. but i also tot it 's going to bong... coach zahng shouted and told bong to mover forward... and guess wad.. it realli went to her.. and perhaps cheryl was right.. if she was standing where she was, it probabaly might be harder to catch due to the bounce. so we must realli thank coach zhang. she's so pro~! not forgetting coach jo who's been yelling n yelling most of the time.. haha.. she so kan chiong.. quite funny sometimes... but the team and us, will not be who we r if it's not for her. it's true about wad feli n daph say... our basics r definitely better... we dun slug. we dun anyhow throw... haha at least tt's how we r taught.. and wad we know is correct...

3 cheers n 3 cheers n 3 cheers for VJ~! Hip hip hurray~! Hip hip hurray~!

Catching up...

3rd day without hearing dear's voice... without recieving his sms... sigh... life sux... o well, thank god time is passing realli fast... with softball and all the events happening..

i went to watch Sound of Music at The Esplanade on Sat.. quite cool.. they sang realli well.. so gd tt i wonder if they have it pre-recorded... ya.. tt was the highlight of my Saturday...

It's kinda nice to stay at home n slack.. lol... tt's wad i've been doing these 2 days... highlight of my Sunday - dinner with my maternal side of my family. It's weird.. How come the whole world is celebrating Mother's day a week in advance? The restaurant was so crowded... Perhaps it's becoz of the long weekened.. It was Labour day after all...

Hm... O well... and today... highlight of my day - I'll be meeting Efei~! Wonder if anyone who reads my blog remembers him.. yea... How exciting... Plus we'll be having sushi buffet~! yipee~! Luckily I didnt lose any money yesterday.. won a bit here and lose a bit there... so dumb... I won 4 bucks in total.. lol... hope we can win a bit more today... hope to win back the 100 tt dear lost... so sorry...