It's tough to be the eldest child...

on bad terms with my mum again.. it's kinda sad.. i cant communicate with her. we dun understand each other... ya... i'm very envious of pple getting along so well with their mums as if they are friends.. u noe.. it's a pity... we have different opinions on everything even though the same blood runs in our veins... damn... i'm as tired and sick of this deteoriating relationship.. i never had any intentions to worsen it... if i ever did, blame it on my carelessness and insensitivity.. i know i am.. at times...

i've finally decided on NUS... the seniors and profs played a huge part in it... met them.. had seven to one sessions.. and it was very informative... yet casual... cool i've decided to go for chem engin camp too... since i'm going there all alone.. need to know more pple... she's definitely very happy tt i chose NUS.. sets her mind at ease.. my choice.. partly for her... she must be thinking, "for once, she's listening to me, hedding my advice"... *roll eyes.. come on, i always did... it just takes time to process thru my own set of values... and i noe.. i'm rebellious.. the trick is.. not to challenge me... u wont get wad u wan if u push it too hard...

anyway, back to the prob of my life... yes.. u didnt hear it wrongly.. PROB OF MY LIFE... it will probably be haunting me all my life.... u noe... i realise how little she understands me... all her claims.. she got no idea that i've thought of all the things she said way before all her complaints.... yes i have taught of working part time or giving tuition to earn more, or at least enuff for my pocket money.. but i have a responsibility, a commitment now... it's filial piety... i need to repay my coach... it's been 2 mths? but i cant let it go now.. becoz june will be intensive training mth for my dear hopeful juniors... i cant work part time.. becoz no job will allow me to choose when i wanna work... i wouldnt like my weekends to be taken away.. i had a taste of it.. not being able to visit granny n have dinner with the family on sat.. is quite sad.. n i will also lose time with dear chris.. and tuition... sounds easy huh? but i dun wanna start sth i cant commit for long.. it just aint fair for the kid if i just drop it when uni starts... i'm not sure if i can cope... but some seniors did.. so.. now.. i tot of giving it a try.. but where do i get the kids from? someone pls help me promote... pri to sec shouldnt be a prob... jc.. maybe chem n maths also can make it..

she thinks i'm tt immature... i gotta live up to her expectations.. how her eldest child should be like.. wad kinda person she wanna me to be like.. sick of it man.... yes u noe u cant force me to do anything i dun wan.. i've always been much more independent than the other 2 boys.. i had no choice.. tt was how i was brought up.. since i have 2 younger bro... so dun blame me for believing in myself so much... it takes some time for me to process other's advises or opinion.. i'm not a sponge.. i dun accept and suck up everything tt comes along.. isnt tt gd? having a mind of my own? ah... ya... i'm very sure my mum's advises are for my own good.. no doubt about tt... but pple do make mistakes, don't they? i do, don't u? if i did not stick thru the rough times of handling both softball n my studies, i wouldnt be who i am today.. my positive attributes that softball has shaped me into... i'm proud of it.. and myself... i'm glad i didnt let u stop me..

i still cant tok to her.. sigh.. i dunno how... we're a distance apart... i got no prob toking to my dad if i wan to... my mum... she just shows tt black face all the time.. never cools down and listen to me... when i pour out my feelings, she always have her "definitely right, dun doubt me"arguments... arh... i dunno how to tok to her... i wan to... but i'm helpless...

pple.. read my testimonial... i am a gd listener... a team coordinator in my PW group.. not to get points... but its me.. from the bottom of my heart.. i saw it coming.. all the inetrnal disputes... it's for the benefit of my group... i am self centered.. but i am open and do accept others'opinions... so hello... dun tell me i dun listen to u~!