Counting down to 2006 on cruise~~! - an escape for me perhaps

hm.. had a long chat with mark yesterday..
yea.. i shud realli stop reading it..
i have a week b4 sch starts...
b4 i face my greatest fear...
i have to stand up..
recover by then...
i have my CAP to up..
u r not gonna ruin my life again..

hm... suddenly the cruise seems to be helpful..
i always dread gg to cruise..
becoz i do nth but rot on cruise..
eat n sleep.. n play lousy arcade..
but this time it;s different..
it''s a chance for me to get away from everything..
to plan my sem ahead...
prioritise, so tt i will not make the same mistakes again..

u noe.. i wonder y..
i am rather confused..
this i must clear up..
i tot i''ve let go everything..
somehow.. i still care..
after all the pain u brought to me..
the very moment i learnt tt u r sick,
i felt the urge to be there for u,
to take care of u, be sure tt u r alright..
is it just as a fren?
or have i not let go everything?

wadever it is, it is now just a passing tot...
it will not happen..
i will not allow it to happen...
it never will...
there''s no "till then"..
becoz there isnt any story of us in the future..
not in my books...

all erased...
my tears washed them away...
my blood stained n buried with them..
the old heart u crushed with tt cold hands of urs died with them..

the new one reborn..
i can feel it..
i see hope..
but it is locked..
someone hold the key..
anyone else but u..

SuRpRiSe SuRpRiSe~!!

r guys fan qian or wad? he msged...
yea wad a surprise..
i felt almost nth...
just didnt expect him to do so..
coz he's always running away from his problems..
didnt expect him to have the courage to contact me at all..
after all tt he has done to me..

somehow i can still hack into his brain..
he posted..
no this is the last time i m gonna read tt blog of urs..
mark is right..
leave everyhting behind.. y shud i read?
it doesnt mean anything to me anymore..
perhaps it was never anyone's fault tt ur feelings diminished..
i've been thru tt myself..
it just happpened.. ya.. it just did..
still... i cant accept they way u reacted to it..
how u told me tt u were ready before i agreed to start sth with u..

good move there..
ur sms made me feel good..
becoz i am not much bothered by u anymore..
it feels good to be able to let go..
wad a pity.. realli..
i tot it was sth..

but nvm.. u r right..
so is mark.. so is edmund..
so is everyone who have been listening n consoling me..
i certainly deserve better..

life has never been so exciting..
i fell so badly this holiday..
probably caught so much attention,
pple started showing their care a bit more..
feeling pampered..
made a gd fren..
wahaha.. being driven here n there feels gd..
wahaha.. o no.. becoming a lil.. materialistic?
hehe.. i am just plain lazy la..
n tt siao kia mark has proven me right once again..
i shall not disclose all the crazy things u said n done..
haha.. shall not ruin ur reputation..

ooo.. someone baked a cake for me to test tml~!
so sweet eh?
am i lucky or wad?

thanks my angels...
for being there for me when i am weak...
whoever never there dun deserve my tears, care and concern right?
i;ve learnt tt... thanks once again..

off to curise tml~!
yipee.. shall win more money back from casino..
practice ktv..
n may be meet new pple?
hehehehe...

i think i m realli confused..

haha... frens been telling me not to post up my tots n feelings about him on my blog.. not to show him my weaknesses.. is tt a weakness i wonder? y would it be? it''s my blog.. it;s where i trash out everything.. it''s not meant for any of u to read in the first place.. it''s for me.. onli me.. to say wadvere i wan to say.. to complain.. so y do i have a counter? contradicting isnt it? becoz i found tt i have quite a few regulars... so.. y not? just to find out how mnay pple read my posts.. not like was u think about my posts matter much to me...

n no.. i see it as a strength.. to be able to be honest with myself n everyone else.. even towards him.. it''s natural.. it;s was i feel... if u knew me well enuff, i wouldnt have to say it out... u would noe tt i was having troubling getting over it... yes WAS... not tt i have succeeded in letting go everything... but.. i am almost there..

thanks to all my frens, my angels who have me there for me all these while.. keeping me busy... all so sweet n nice... ha... n may be the bees.. it''s not a bad time to have bees ard u at this time.. but i must be careful not to let anyone get too close to my heart... becoz i might make a wrong decision again..

once bitten twice shy.. stay away from me...

i''m happy with the angels ard me... enjoying my singlehood as much as i can.. life will onli get better... becoz i am me.. i am shirley~~! :)

moody day...

he's back.. or he will be today...
sigh.. cant help it...
perhaps i'm not to be blamed..
it's natural to still hold on to sth now right?
it'll take time to let go everything..
i noe i will..
i have to...

ponned meetings today..
quite drained from the chalet n my crazy outings...
slept all the way till 12 before siyong woke me up..
just dun feel like gg out...
may be i just wanna nua with someone...
suddenly, i feel weak..
thinking of u, makes me feel weak...
wan to be hugged tightly,
protected from all evils..
i need someone to pull me up..
confused i am...

serves me right...
i might not be thinking of all these things now
if i went for flv meeting.. n pru meeting after tt...
i'll be off to cruise soon...
would u wanna tok to me before i leave?
would i wan to tok to u?
would i allow myself to?

my eventful post christmas days

hee... dun remember if i talked about how i spent my christmas.. so here's it..

hm... went to ecp to blade with edmund.. haha... so scary... exciting n all... i mena the last time i blade was when i was like in pri 4 or 5? realli cant remember how to blade seah.. when i stood up, i tried moving, but i slided backwards... hahaha... but later, i figured it out.. we both had much fun i guess...

anyway, just realised tt ecp is quite a cool spot for frens and couples to hang out.. we didnt have the chance.. wad a pity.. but may be u wont like it either.. i nuaed with edmund on the beach, under this coconut tree for some time when we both got tired with all the (walking) blading.. ya.. it;s quite cool.. with the brezze blowing gently on ur face.. watch the tides come in n out... just nua n enjoy the scenery... tok cock with ur buddy...

edmund gave me a diary for a christmas present.. feel so bad.. coz i havent got time to get him one.. :P next time ok? hee... erm... yea.. o did i mention tt mark gave me this la bi xiao xin vcd? it's so... diao.. but funny.. hahaha... a cartoon version of himself...

26th dec... lao yeye n lao nainai came back from shanghai.. met up with them for lunch.. went to grassroot club.. still prefer the buffet we had for dinner last time.. with all the abalones, sharkfin, xue ha... :)~ hehe.. i told u i was tai tai material... training hard to be one.. wahhaaha...

then went for ks bdae chalet... blade with luna again.. quan was so funny... he couldnt blade at all.. at least kahsin could move... he looked like a robot.. serious.. hehehe... anyway... ya... think kahsin did a lot to make his chalet a success... not bad.. food marinated well... even though i would not like to know how he did it exactly after seeing how he prepares his salad.. wahaha...

hm.. half way thru, i'm so sorry kahsin, didnt come back on time to cut the cake with u.. mark called up n asked for a spin.. i knew wad was up.. so couldnt help it.. i'm a gd fren u noe... hehe... so i agreed.. for the very first time, i took a ride in his car.. he drives like mad~! make acute turns... pple slow down when they turn, he speeds up.. i think.. we went to changi airport.. to have ice cream~! hahha.... havign a car is realli convenient huh.. may be i shud include tt in my must-have list for my future bf.. wahahaha... then went back to ecp, to his pub to have a drink.. well.. i was gg for ktv.. n i am not gd at drinking, so i onli took a few sips from his... yea.. we talked a lot.. it was realli fun.. mark's a real nice crazy fren to hang out with.. he piggybacked me back to the car.. hahaha.... siao one...

byt the time i reached the chalet, luna left for k box.. thank goodness mark waited for me... so he drove me over to parkway.. too bad he has an appt.. if not, i could have invited him too... he's a gd singer.. hmm.. i waited realli long for luna... they actually walked over~!!! hm.. think this is one of the few times i realli sang... hehehe... not bad.. improving..

these few days are one of my craziest days of my life i guess.. after chalet, i actually took 31, all the way to toa pa yoh to shop.. alone... haha.. bought 2 basic tops n a black skirt... realised i have onli spags.. wahaha... hmm.. ya.. then makr called again.. jio me for movie.. but we were late la.. wth.. missed the movie.. n he confused perhaps love with the promise... so diao... alamak... so accompained him to eat.. then he took 22 min to drive to pasir ris.. haha.. lu chi like me... went to pet farms.. played with cute puppies n all.. fun day~!

ya... i'm thankful tt my frens are keeping me busy... so much so tt i seem to be leaving all my sorrows behind me effectively.. not thinking about it as much.. but i still read the smses u send me sometimes.. our photos... think i shud keep all our sweet memories.. leave the sad ones behind... haiz...

i'm a stronger person now.. no one can bring me down...

MeRrY cHrIsTMaS~!!!

merry chirstmas to all...
sigh.. i am still bothered by him..
y so? sigh.. wondering how he is spending his christmas..
haiz... even though i do hate him... but.. sigh...

anyway... i pang seh mark today.. wahaha..
so paiseh,.. but i reached home so late on fri...
felt bad if i left hous early mroning again..
yes.. so i stayed at home..
guai guai.. quite a boring christmas eve..
had the usual fmaily dinner..
mahjong with the pros, my dad, granny n aunty..
lost.. but a gd game... coz i never throw any winning tiles at all..

n o~! happy birthday FELIX~!

hee.. decided to go out with edmund tml..
shall not spend my christmas rotting at home alone..
hee.. roller blading.. 2 noobs blading..
think i need some cushions for my butt...
we'll see how tml..
hope it'll be fun...

ya... i shud try n call mark now..
he's mia~!!

PiSsED wItH nUs~! NuS sUcKs~!

sigh.. it's realli bad... stupid nus ask me to either retake CTW of accept a D grade.. wtf~! have u got any idea how much time I wasted on the stupid module? yea.. even though I took my papers in the hospital, as expected I didnt do well, but I am sure I can get at least a B if they grade me according to my assignments like the assured me~! f**K~! wad is this?!!! not as if it's gonna improve my cap.. it's so low.. i onli passed... arghhhh... and physics was my best mod.. can u believe it?!!! I am sure I could have done a hell lot better if it's not for the infection. but nvm... I shall be a full time mugger next sem.. apart from my commitments to the 2 or 3 projects.. I am gonna screw NUS upside down.. they better grade me as promised.. Or I am going all the way to MOE~! I am already affected for all the other modules.. U R SO NOT GONNA BULLY A SICK PATIENT LIKE TT!!!

ah... and thanks felix... for the sunflower.. so sweet of him huh... haha.. never expected him to buy me flowers.. hahaha.. he looks so blur.. with such things... cool... u made my day...

i am not happy with my results of coz.. but it cant be helped.. i wasnt in my best condition.. not even in gd condition.. my brain was so fried.. i couldnt rmemeber anything.. i was so sick.. i couldnt study... so... haiz... who's to blame? the infection... one sem down... i better work hard next sem, need to pull up my cap..

n... about him... well.. i never teared for him anymore.. i guess i feel so numb about it.. i dunno wad to do anymore.. my heart still ache.. i can realli feel the pain, emotionally n physically.. but.. so wad.. not like it will matter to him.. not like it;s gonna chnage anything... selfish he is.. blinded i am... he's away overseas now.. prob having fun... y should I get upset about him, about us? I deserve a hell lot better.. trying hard to move on.. Í have recovered quite well these few days.. have alot of caring and supportive frens ard me.. like felix... have been talking to ruhua... haha... yea.. keeps me occupied at night.. when i think a lot.. influenced by tt jerk i guess.. n edmund... he's been realli sweet too...

y shud i wait for u and expose myself to such uncertainties when there are so many better guys, great guys out there waiting for me to choose? ha.. even till the very second when we break up, u;re still so selfish, still full of urself, still thinking onli about u urself... y do u deserve me care? y shud i remain as gd frens with u? y shud i try and talk to u like before? and exposed myself to the risk of breaking my heart even more if i fall deeper for u instead of letting it go with time, or if i find out tt u fell for someone else when i still have such strong feelings for u? y shud I even consider to remain as frens with u? y shud i? ya.. it's such a pity tt our frenship is flushed down the toilet bowl along with out shitty r/s and memories... but do u realli think u deserve this frenship.. after what u have done to me? y shud i let u off so easily? i dun hold grudges.. i dun usually do.. but it hurts too much... no i wont forgive u.. i dunno wad can be done.. i see no hope n no light to out r/s, to our frenship..

i screwed up my first sem.. it's time to wake up... jerks stay away from me... i am gonna concentrate on my studies and all my projects.. dean's list wannabe coming ur way... i am determined..

Why cant u just get OUT OF MY MIND?!!

i had enuff of this sick shit...
so frustrated with everything..
the more i think of it, the more i feel cheated...
how the heck did i get myself into such a mess?
y did i allow myself to give so much?
Y?!!!! y?!!!!!! Y?!!!!

It's so hard to pull everything back now...
if u onli liked me a lot.. if it;s not enuff to call it love,
y come so close to me?
y bother going through so much drama to win my heart?
y did u allow wad happen tt day to happen?
y did u even try kissing me the very first time?
i had so many flash backs..
from the first time we met..
the first time we had a heart to heart chat..
the first time we watched a movie together..
when u said tt u felt the urge to hold my hands..
u got no idea how touched i was.. i melted..
ok i am s softee.. perhaps tt's y i am so easily cheated..
fell into this miserable trap...
i am such an idiot.. to believe tt u r ready..
to believe tt u might be the one i am looking for..
to believe tt u loved me..

how is everything gonna return to before after all tt has happened?
it's impossible~!
i'm deeply hurt...
by u.. my onli love...
i hope everything will become hate..
i wanna let go of everything now.. badly~!
i wanan forget u..us...
every single word tt u said tt is registered in my stupid brain...
OUT~! OUT U GO..
LEAVE MY MIND..
LEAVE MY LIFE..
LEAVE MY WORLD..
dun appear in front of me..
i dun wan to be reminded of wad we been thru together..

we can never be frens..
dun think we can...
i said tt i dun blame u for losing feelings for me..
yes i dun..
but i cant help it..
i cant forgive u for bringing all these pain to me..
it hurts too much.. becoz i love u too much..
too soon.. too soon...seth's right..

pls stay away from me...
i have no mroe tears to cry for u...
val's right.. u dun deserve my tears...
time to move on..

so afraid of being alone now.. coz i'll keep thinking about us..
thanks edmund... for accompanying me today...
narnia was not bad...
i am glad n blessed with so many angels ard me...
cheong hua was first..

ghim was there..

felix was there..

mengyi was there..

so was arvind..

when i flooded aranda right after our closure on the fone..

thanks to all who asked.. n showed concern...

hongkeat, liang han... cheryl especially...

paulene...

i dunno if i missed out anyone..

but thnaks to all of u..

i'll be stronger..

i'll not cry anymore for tt jerk...

not like he cares.. not like he feels anything..

y would he?

he feels nth for me anyway...

stay away from me.. dun trick me into this dreadful trap again...

i dun wan to fall deeper..

my 2nd post of SORROWS..

i stopped crying.. finally... perhaps i have no more tears...
i dunno if i can talk to u like before..
i dunno how to face u...
becoz we feel differently for one another..
i wan to stay close to u..
as close as possible...
but no, i dun regret breaking off..
it's best for u.. and hence, may be me...
gd luck.. i hope u get ur championship title..
train hard... but do rest well...
pls do not go smoke or do anything to hurt urself..
it'll hurt me further...
i guess it's not ur fault..
feelings do fade... i;ve experienced it myself..
especially when u r so busy...
when i am not ur priority...
i'm not in the pic...
u wan to gain self confidence..
u wan personal glory..
u wan to be treasured n valued more by ur frens..
i guess i failed to make u feel special...
i understand ur goals for urself..
it hurts so badly when i read ur sms again..
when ur last words played back in my head again..
but i've accepted it..
i hope it's worth it..
i hope u'll get wad u wan..
i hope u will be happy..
i love u...

now i understand wad mengyi meant...
now i tt i felt it for myself..
when i think of u..
when my mum just asked about u over dinner..
the breathlessness..
the pain...
it felt almost like my heart was bleeding in pain..
i could almost feel it physically...

here, i present u my heart..
scarred. torn apart.
by my onli love..
any takers?
it cannot take anymore ill treatment..
pls handle it with tender love and care..
how do u mend a broken heart like tt...
a broken heart still beating for just you?

Destroyed Once Again..

happening strat of the week.. so much happened.. to much for me to take.. i feel so weak.. i lost another gd fren... i lost my support... i gave it up.. i hope it's best for u.. n may be us... i dun wan to be a burden to u.. a r/s shud never be tiring... y come so close to me if u onli like me? is there realli no love? tt's how shocking.. how disappointing.. yes u r right.. u r selfish, irresponsible and heartless... but i cant help it.. i love u... i still love u so much.. n it is y i decided to let u go... i told u before.. i'll do anything for the man i love.. as long as he is happy...i figured out tt u have too many commitments.. perhaps u cant handle them well yet.. it's time for u to learn.. n honestly, before u master tt, u r not ready for me.. not ready for any other gal.. not ready for any commitment to such r/s.. u broke yiyou's heart... now u broke mine.. dun break another... no i dun think i hate u... i love u more than wad i am blaming u for all the pain u brought to me.. it's short.. it's realli short.. but i never cried so much before.. perhaps in my life.. 2d1n in aranda... i prob cried half my time there... so AA... everyone prob saw me.. damn... i cant help it.. i tried to stop.. but it wouldnt.. perhaps it did... when my tears were all dried up... i teared.. invisible ones... i cried in my heart.. i am sure it bled... yes there's a wound.. i wonder who can heal it... no there's no gap.. becoz there isnt anyone who can replace u yet.. yes tt's how much i love u... i hate u for the way u mistreated me... but i still love u for u...i'm a stupid gal... blinded by love... no one to blame perhaps.. i brought this upon myself... i knew u well enuff to predict this.. i asked.. n believed tt u were ready... then again, i was wrong.. u were wrong... once is enough... i am sorry... we cant be frens... u can never be just a fren to me.. at least not now... i very much wan to stay close to u... but.. i dunno if i can... can i still hug u tight? i so wanted to do so when i saw u yesterday... even though i was so angry at u... for avoiding me, leaving me alone.. i knew tt it was coming.. when u didnt hold my hands... when u didnt kiss me... how can we be frens when i still love u so much?

i'm sick...

i'm sick .. down with flu
have fever... had sore throat.. lost my voice..
but do u noe? u never will... becoz u locked urself in ur own world..
where is "we"? where is "us"?

i'm sick of taking initiative everytime something goes wrong between us...
whether it's my fault or urs...
i;m sick of being left alone for days..
no sms, no calls, no msn chat.. no nths.. no form of contacts at all...
how can u be so selfish?
how can u leave someone so dear to ur heart alone like tt worrying?
getting panaroid.. thinking of all sorts of possibilities to y I am treated like tt?
perhaps it's my own wishing..
perhaps i was never so impt to u..
perhaps i was just somebody...
i cried so much.. u got no idea at all..
u ran away.. avoided me n the problem...

thanks for all the pain u brought to me...
i;ve seen another side of u.. and our relationship...
i am angry.. sick.. n frustrated with u.. for wad u have done...
pls do sth about it.. solve the problem.. or prevent me from such sufferings in future...if not.. it'll be too tiring for me to take...

a r/s shud not be tiring...

perhaps u were confused n upset with urself becoz u cant spend as much time with me as u wanted to... tt's very sweet of u..
but instead of brooding over it, shouldnt we try to make the best of wad we have?
instead u choose to avoid me, leave me alone..
wondering wth i did wrong tt i deserve such a cold shoulder from u...
i figured out tt i didnt do anything wrong..
so wad's the reason..
we havent talked about it..
i still dun understand wad is happening..
perhaps one day if u ever see this post, u will like to explain to me..

dun mind my hurtful words... becoz i am realli angry with u for treating me like tt...

i lost the battle.. i lost it all...

went to sentosa to recce today with my programms comm and the 2 fwc heads..
we got a lot of things done.. the rough programmes for the 4days.. all the games tot thru... yea... hehehehe... we practiclaly combed the entire sentosa... time flew.. spent like almost 7-8 hrs there... but i guess it's worth it when u see ur freshies enjoy the camp.. it';s gonna be pretty diff from the last camp we had.. more intense, more competitive, more packed...

n i am right.. u didnt reply my sms... no contact for 2 days already... i wonder when u will break the silence... i was getting mroe and more panaroid as i complained to my frens.. came up with all sorts os possibilities of y u r doing this to me... i'm not so much upset becoz we arent spending time together... i'm upset becoz u claimed to be so busy n tired.. so busy tt u dun even have time to drop me a single sms to say hi? ormay be u r relali not concerned.. may be i never crossed ur mind... dunno... but i am sure.. i;ve said things i dun realli mean... i'm just realli frustrated... y apologise to me? y not make things best as u can? waiting for me to pull us back together? me again? no.. sorry.. it doesnt work this way all the time... if u r sick of me, let me noe.. i didnt do anything wrong.. i dun deserve this...

sigh.. perhaps u need time off.. perhaps u needa think thru how to face me again.. perhaps u r disappointed with urself too becoz u cant give me wad u wanted to... so r u making this any easier for the both of us by doing wad u r doing now? r u making me any happier like tt? i dunno wad u r thinking... u r driving me crazy...

i decided to stop guessing.. to make my life easier... i'll let others take over.. let everything else take control... i need more distraction... from this problem tt is causing me all these pain... n at the same time, i am falling sick.. so sick.. i dun feel like moving anymore... so weak... someone save me... i'll cry in ur arms now if u r here...

here i pour out my tots

no more hiding...

sick n tired of being the one pulling us back when we stray off from each other..
dun understand y it is onli my responsibility..
wad can i do alone?

perhaps i shud realli keep myself busy...
tire myself out.. at least during the camp, i have my campers..
i have so many things to do..
time flew.. n i didnt have so much time to think about us..
to worry.. to be sad.. to cry like i did when we started talking about it..
like when pple ask me y i look so sad...

i'm realli drained..
i have no drive to do anything more..
n i cant do anything since u arent gg to put in any effort to do sth about it..
issit not worth it?
is everything else so impt?
u have responsibilities and commitments u cannot let go of..
so i am the sacrifice?

damn it.. i am so disappointed..
wad m i to u?
perhaps u r busy.. but so busy tt u cant even drop me a sms now n then?
not even one a day? issit too much to ask for?
i gave u all the space n time u need..
i never stick to u like wad ur ex did..
n u complain tt i compromise too much?
hello~!!!! wth do u wan from me?
u're not even talking to me..
u're not finding time to talk to me..
u dunno wad to say, u dunno wad to do,
u dun reply my sms, u dun call me..
u r just avoiding me..
u dun miss me at all..
u r just gonna leave it there right?
let us both stray away.. n we will have nth to announce to anyone..
ARGH~! so pissed..

if it's so.. let me noe.. i dun wan to be the last to noe..
i onli remember when u said u were ready...
when i took the risk...

have i made a silly mistake again?

or may be u dun love me anymore...
or is there someone better?
o shit i am getting panaroid..
fuck.. think i said too much nonsense..
whether i mean wad i say here or not.. it doesnt matter..
may be u wont get to read it.. u wont noe.. becoz may be u dun care...
may be i onli mean it now.. or then..
ah this is stupid..

MaRs MaRs MaRs~!!!

yeap.. just came back from slc.. slept less than 6h in tt 2 days.. shagged man... but it is worth it.. realli fun.. n got to noe a bunch of realli fun n cool pple.. i guess student leaders do they more initiative. they made work so much easier for me.. i felt more like a camper becoz there were pathetically few gals.. so few tt i had to play most of the games.. well, the onli diff is tt i had to go for brefings n ensure tt they r punctual, well n all having fun.. i guess we kinda clique well as a group.. everyone prob thinks tt we r crazy. on the very first night, after all our activities, we took cab to marine parade n k boxed~!!! patrick, ru hua, joann n wei cheng had their combined singing competiiton.. lol.. until 3 am la.. back at H4, 4 of us, wei cheng, joann and benjamin played mahjong till 5.30am~!!! slept about 3h and started day 2..

day 2 is beach games.. n we showed off the power of the MARTIANS~!! hahahaha... we won 5 straight games out of 6.. how cool is tt... well, unfortunately we didnt win best group.. spent too much eating gd food during food link.. wahahaha..

hmm...realli looking forward to meet them again...
uploaded some pics i took with my camera... gonna kop from the rest..

moody moody... :(

sigh... i'm not happy today... anticipation isnt always gd.. when it doesnt happen, u'll be disappointed.. sigh.. cant complain.. not in the position to...

spent my whole day making name tags for my slc campers... i hope they like it.. becoz it took us a lot of time and effort... i hope they r enthu n fun pple.. if not.. sigh.... it'll be so depressing... not realli looking forward to it anymore...

the right things arent happening.. the wrong things keep coming... argh... tt's my life...

new skin.. i dun realli love it... becoz the grey part is so small.. so small tt u cant realli see my pictures.. cant find any better ones anyway... the last one was too pink.. n no.. i dun feel like a princess anymore..

o man.. i;m a leo.. such an attention seeker.. wth...i shud be more independent... let me get used to this loneliness.. or in a more positive light, independence...

packed my bags for slc... hmm.. now to think of it, it'll be quite silly to wear red everyday.. shall repack it again later.. look for some other clothes to wear.. ha.. i threw in my black vj shorts.. if it gets too dirty, i can just wear n throw... :ppp

hai...bad bad mood...

ToO mAnY beEs ArD...

yea.. tt was up on my nick... havent realli gotten over the cold shoulder i got from dao.. now comes another.. well no.. it's not realli a problem.. but i wonder.. perhaps i am too... nice? am i?

i'm not ms world.. i'm not even tt pretty... i'm just any a gal.. i'm just me, shirley... i wonder y... i wonder y pple will.. u noe.. like me? i shud be glad right? tt pple like me? like i dun have to worry tt i will not be able to get married in future.. ha.. but still.. i rejected one this holiday already.. wad's up man? i feel realli bad doing it.. i never fail to break pple's heart.. may be i shud be a lil bit low profile.. keep things to myself.. damn...

wad's worse? i am so busy.. so is everyone else.. so much to do.. no time to meet up.. it's so sad.. i tot we'll ne able to spend more time n bond n get closer this holiday.. unfortunately, tt's not gonna happen.. i dunno how to make it happen.. i shud add tt to my xmas wishlist...

suddenly i am not so excited about slc.. onli tt i will be hanging out late at night with my new frens.. n siyong shud be treating flv comm to some drinks.. wahaha... 2 weeks to dateline for fwc proframmes draft.. n we havent done anything since last meeting.. great...

i'm falling again...

Ms Rajan's wedding

14 of us went to attend Ms Rajan's wedding.. well there were so many people, she didnt realli have the chance to talk to us.. she was wearing this white sari prob of normal wedding gowns material.. gd combi... here are some pics i took.. ha... ms rajan is MRS now.. time flies man..






ok.. the pics are not in order... lol... well the pic we took with the couple is with the main photographer.. boo hoo.. when can i have it?

after tt, most of us went to bugis.. had a lunch cum dinner at sketchers.. i designed my pasta.. well, i guess it;s better than wad my frens had.. coz they still feel pasta mania is better... haha...
perhaps it;s becoz i havent seen them for so long.. n the fact tt i am a roamer.. i chat with everyone, except for the same 2.. dao n bang... i said bye to bang... tt's all.. i wonder y u noe...

when j1 1st started, i tot i was quite close to bang.. when he called me to ask about work.. suddenly he stopped n we drifted apart.. well of coz.. there's yq.. n all the other chiobus.. i was realli a low profiler unlike them.. ever since then, we never realli talked.. in class, outside sch, during gatherings.. somehow.. i dunno y... we just never talk..

n dao... we were in the pool gang.. i was the onli gal in the gang.. quite extra sometimes... but they're nice people.. dunno when it realli started.. in j2, dao suddenly developed feelings for me.. he was super sweet.. did i tell u all tt? even though i am a real softee.. but ya.. no one has ever been so sweet to me before.. as in the wooing period.. he realli touched my heart.. perhaps we were not fated to be together.. becoz he was onli a gd fren to me... no chemistry...i realli treasured our frenship.. but ever since i rejected him, n made a stupid decision to choose tt idiot.. nth was ever same again...

we drifted apart.. WORLDS APART.. tt is so sad.. becoz i realli like him a lot.. just not enuff to be more than frens.. sigh.. sometimes i wondered how it would be like if we had the chemistry then.. if i felt sth then.. then may be.. we'll still be as close.. or even closer... he's still as cute as ever.. or may be even cuter.. ahh i told eugene tt i missed him some time ago.. i realli do... when can we talk like before?

i wouldnt say tt i regreted.. becoz.. i realli dun feel the same way towards him... i just couldnt say yes.. sigh sigh.. how many frens must i lose becoz of wad we all call LOVE?

had enuff.. pls.. someone save me~!!! sigh.. where r all my angels? someone help me~!!

Happy birthday Daddy~!!

here's my second challenge for this holiday.. the first cake i made.. oreo cheesecake~!! n it's a success~!! wahaha... made it for dad as his birthday present.. n of coz shared with a few close frens..

look at the way he eats~!! wahahaha....

hmm..anyway time realli flies.. had a lot of fun yesterday... so much tt i was so tired.. i kinda slept n nua thru the entire day... hee...

o~! i'm o gonna grow fat.. went for chinese buffet dinner just now.. sharkfin, abalones, both big n small.. my family of 6 ordered and finished 19 different dishes.. serving of 6 each.. fwah~! can u believe it?!!

ah lots to do... slc stuff.. flv meeting... busy busy~!!!

Haha.. this is the pic we took in k box.. y am i in the shadow?!! cant see my face~!!! ahha class gathering.. of 5.. well.. junhao onli contacted 9... so.. not bad..

5h of ktv.. shagged...

yOyOYo.. the start of my busy week.. ha damn shagged today... slept realli late this morning n woke up at 9am.. nua until 10 plus when daph called me up for job lobang.. unfortunately, i have a meeting and class gathering.. so ya.. cant take it up...

hmm.. we're flooded with info for events.. date line is 21st.. i wonder how we're gonna draft out everything by then... ha.. busy busy busy~!!! let's make fwc 2006 a smashing gd one~!!! ok i am super excited.. over sth tt will onli happen half a year later.. lol..

n.. 5 of us met up at suntec k box to sing.. well.. junhao had his personal concert most of the time.. n i decided to open my golden mouth.. hahaha... sang quite a lot actually.. n the funny thing is tt junhao was singing the female songs n i was singing the male ones.. wahaha.. i cant reach the high notes man.. lol..not bad.. i got no more ktv phobia.. shall train up more.. hee..

after tt arvind met us for dinner.. went to kenny rogers.. ate a lot~! growing fat man~! n i am super broke.. spent like more than 40 bucks today.. anyone wanan date me? haha treat me.. muahaha~!!! i'm so happy to be a gal.. haha..

hahaha.. it's been a busy day for me.. went to watch Saw 2.. not bad.. but a short one 1.5h onli.. gd twist.. but it's damn gruesome~!! i was covering my mouth half the time..after tt, went to carrefour to buy stuff for dinner..

guess wad.. i prepared dinner for my whole family~! how fun~! lol.. made pasta, fruit salad, soup, cheese sausage and garlic bread~!! o i bought apple pie back for dessert..

ha.. tt's my lil bro helping me out..










my fruit salad.. well after mixing..







ha... it's quite fun cooking.. i shud do this more often this holiday.. shall try sth new soon.. enuff of pasta~!!!

fully packed week ahead~!

yea!~i'm going out later.. heck.. sneaking out to watch Saw2.. buy stuff to prepare dinner for the family tonite.. haha.. so fun~!

i just relaised how busy I will be from next week onwards.. holiday's gonna pass with a blink of an eye... so peeps, now U have to BOOK ME earlier if u wanna ask me out.. lol.. here's my schedule for next week:

5th Mon - FWC comm meeting, 3A class outing
6th Tue - SLC briefing, dental appointment, hospital follow-up check up
7th Wed - Movie~!
8th Thu - Dad's birthday
9th Fri - FLV comm meeting
10th Sat - Ms Rajan's church wedding, 03s44 class gathering
11th Sun - family day???

busy busy bumble bee eh?? hehe.. i rather be busy than slacking n rotting away..

ok times up~! time to go have early lunch~!! bye~!!!

i'm bored.. i'm so bored.. sigh... woke up at 11.30am today.. lol.. started my role as FLV secretary.. did the minutes for the last meeting.. ha.. relaised i didnt take down certain stuff.. hee.. i smoke a bit.. wont matter tt much right pd? hehe...

spent the rest of the day having my personal ktv session with my lappie.. ibm's pretty gd.. looked for lyrics n started singing along.. ha.. must start to learn some chi songs if i wanna go ktv again.. if not always cant sing.. time flew.. think i sang for like 3h.. haha..

nuaing at home isnt tt bad.. but.. i think i cant take it anymore.. ha.. needa get out~! edmund asked me out again.. cant turn down no more.. hehe.. me gg out tml~!!! yippee.. needa get dad's birthday prezzie reali soon.. it's in a week's time.. ha.. wad to get?

ha.. i seem to be blogging everyday.. ok it's past 12.. so it's 1st dec already... oops.. hee...

nth much realli happened today.. went shopping in town.. walked from one end to the other.. ha... i am such a direction idiot.. if it wasnt for my fren, i would be lost in orchard.. muahaha... bought this pair of bronze shoes.. quite cool... shall take a pic n put it up one of these days.. i just realised i have a lot to buy... dad's prezzie, hong bee n cheryl's prezzie.. n may be some xmas shopping? shud i get felix sth? haha.. my dear sp..

hmm.. met up with les today.. short hair n yet still super cute.. muahaha.. like my lil bro..went to eat bake rice at NYDC.. shiok~!!! i'm so xin fu.. satisfied man... posh spice is gd.. realli... well i was so full i couldnt take my mud pie.. sob sob.. some other time.. hehe... finally found a gd jie mei to shop with.. les's pretty diff... dresses up n dun mind wearing hats out.. tt's cool.. have 2.. n i havent worn them out in singapore before.. would it be weird? sometimes i wished tt i am stuyding in japan or sth.. it would be fun.. engine;s realli boring.. everyone's in t shirt n jeans.. sianz.. i didnt want to be AA.. so i never realli dress up often.. everytime i do, pple stare...

n hey.. i just put up my counter.. wonder how many ppl read my blog.. lol...

yippee~!! 1st day of celebration.. went to watch harry potter... not bad.. went to marina.. i still think tt it's realli big.. o i like the central decor.. the crystal curtains.. so pretty..

had one of my best meals after so long today.. lunch was simply great... well expensive of coz.. nice sharkfin.. it had this sweetness of the crab meat.. slightly diff from the normal ones i've had... o the herbal duck~! it's simply delicious... i'm not realli gd at describing such stuff... so ya.. i highly recommend u to try it if u have the chance.. there's also spicy lime kai lan tt tasted a bit too much like a thai dish.. n pork rib... it's in dian xiao er.. nice decor... like having meal in a ker zhan.. shall bring my family there one of these days... hee..
thankyou powl.. haha..

sigh came home late today... think i shouldnt go out tml.. luna having outing at nite.. sigh... if onli it's in the day.. o well.. some other time.. planning a mahjong session n a shopping session.. anyone keen?

PrInCeSs xUe Is Back~!!!

YoYoyOyO~!!! havent blog for ages~! bcoz of tt supid exams.. n of coz my 1 week holiday stay in NUH~.. lol... i was bombarded my all my dear caring n loving frens when i came online.. lol.. felt like ages..onli had time to blog now..

hm... can u believe it? i think nus realli suck~! i was hospitalised.. fever reached 40.1 degrees celcius n kidney causing my back to hurt most of the time.. n they still insist tt i shud take my exams.. well i was fit enuff to take the exams.. but hello.. how much can i study when i am unwell for so long? n my brain was fried.. couldnt remeber wad i studied.. so there goes maths n mkt.. let's hope i pass n get sth better than a C... o man... worried.. but then again.. mummy understands.. n after taking the 2 papers, i am very sure tt i buang liao.. so not realli looking forward to recieving my results.. junyi said it'll be released on xams day.. how evil can nus be? on xams day?!! spoiler man...

o n nuh young doctors suck.. i have so mnay bruises on my arms.. n the worst one comes from tt guy.. need more experience.. or may be he needa learn from the nurse.. cant even draw blood well.. i think i was his guinea pig.. my mum, an expert in this area was staring at him n shaking her head.. ha..

then again, it wasnt tt bad.. thru this incident, i realised how fortunate i am.. i have great caring parents there for me.. n supportive frens too.. thanks to all tt came to visit me.. ha.. i dun think i'll ever recieve more flowers than tt 1 week.. 5 bouquets~! all my fav sunflowers n roses.. hee.. :P felt like a princess.. i lost 2kg when i was first hospitalised. now i gained another kg back.. sigh.. sob sob.. sianz... whole day eat n sleep in hospital.. i barely left my bed.. well i was on drip.. hmm.. i was awake onli during meal times.. haha.. hibernating the rest of the day.. may be tt's y i recovered so fast.. hee..

time to start celebrating~! oo the first thing i did after sicharging from the hospital was shopping~! lol.. i bought a super pretty pink dress.. hot pink.. with a feel of batik or tribe.. i simply love it.. someone convince me to wear it in engin.. lol... so sianz.. i'll wear it if i'm from biz..

ahh no time to make my oreo cheesecake.. anyone wanna try? o mahjong.. looking for makjong kah kees~! anyone? afternoon mahjong at my place one of these days.. got cruise.. got fwc n flv prep to do.. n slc camp.. hee.. so looking forward t the rest of my holidays~! cant wait cant wait~!!!

new blog add~!

haha for those of u who r reading my blog now.. well.. u would have found out tt i have changed my blog add? y? so as to prevent tt guy from reading my post n flooding me with sms again... i'm onli meanie shirley to him.. well to pple in my bad books.. n so far, he's the onli honoured one to be in it.. darh...

i lost a buddy becoz of tt idiot... so sad... miss my buddy xl a lot.. when will he forgive me? sigh... not tt i didnt wan to help u.. but i'm not an actor.. i cant act.. i've always been truthful to everyone.. to everything in my life.. n i cant tolerate another second pretending tt i dunno anything about wad tt idiot has done.. to me n to u... so sorry... not expecting u to forgive me actually.. hence i havent been tried to approach u.. hopefully time will fade all of these...

i'm a selfish bitch...

in his own dreams...

funny.. chris msg me again last nite.. totally spoilt my nite... but of coz i wont let him or tt affect me.. it doesnt realli matter... but i guess... i still gotta say sth.. sorta just expressed it out in some way... he hasnt realli gotten over everything as he claimed... he still thinks tt i might probably have a chance to like him, to fall for him again? o gosh.. please... after tt wacking incident.. OVER MY DEAD BODY~!!! u can do it once, u can do it twice n again n again... i dun wanna be abused~! tt shows how much respect u have for mi~! so F**K OFF~! oops.. wahaha.. i dun normally use vulgar.. but i guess u understand y i am using it now.. he never fails to piss me off.. i laughed at wad he smsed me..

ha o~! he thinks i am lonely n unhappy becoz he;s not ard with me.. or for me... ahahaha... o god... tt's him.. he thinks he;s so great... no one can take his place.. he thinks he loves me most perhaps.. he thinks i need him.. hahhaa.. i tot i already said i dun? he's prob the last person i wan him to appear in front of mi right now.. anyway... i can never feel better than wad i'm feeling now.. away from him... i'm felt lonely bcoz my frens and powl couldnt be there.. or rather bcoz my fone was dead..i couldnt contact them.. i have super lots of frens n getting along pretty well with them.. not a loner :P the loneliness onli meant sth when i sorta couldnt get used to it at tt moment.. bcoz.. i m normally found in a grp? o gosh.. i cant express myself well.. must be the mugging for fna... all messed up now... lol...

how can i be lonely in ur terms, when i have my family, my frens, powl and all the mugging? oops.. wahaha.. haiz.. i noe i sound pretty mean n evil here... but u cant be nice to someone u dun like.. almost to the extent of hate probably.. so to u, whoever reading this, dun get into shirley's bad books.. i can be a real meanie... well tt's if u're still worth my time.. BLEAH~!

n i do need some isolation now i guess.. to concentrate on mugging.. o so y am i here blogging now? to et away from the books~! haha.. can die mugging for hours.. erm.. not tt i mugged for tt long.. er.. like 2h including breakfast? haha.. oops.. time for lunch now... ciao~!

2nd post - WOW friendster knows me best~~!

The Bottom Line
Being able to swallow your pride is key if you want a trusting relationship.
In Detail
Dreams, nostalgia and thoughts of how great things used to be are on your mind now, and they're having a powerful effect on you. Before you get too swept up in all that nostalgia, be sure you're remembering everything correctly -- with your mind, not just your heart. If you're in doubt, talk to a friend who understands you and knows what's really going on in your life. Experience is a great teacher.

So I'm a drama queen? so, Friendster, can I tok to you? U seem to be the onli one who knows..

getting used to the loneliness...

it''s been a long long day for me... time never passed so slowly... it did bcoz i was alone... been pretty independent since like mid of last week.. isolated myself from the rest of the family at nites, trying to mug.. but of coz.. i failed, distracted by several stuff...
about 9 more days to my 1st paper.. sigh... havent done much so far.. onli half way thru more core mods.. just read one topic for mkt.. 10 more to go i guess... tried the sofas of muchie monkeys today.. hmm quite nice.. not a bad place to mug.. could have been more conducive if they have nicer slower songs instead of some rock ones... stayed there from 4 plus to 6.20pm... was so hungry i had wedges... an hour later, i reaslied the chances of wad i've been waiting for will not come.. was handicapped with a dead fone... couldnt call for any subs anyway.. decided to try to enjoy tt loneliness... focused on my work instead of letting tt emptiness overwhelmed me.. n it worked... i managed to finish up the chapter.. cheers~~! perhaps loneliness isnt so bad after all.. i''ve grown up n matured once again... no more as dependent on the pple ard me.. my frens.. my whoever...
perhaps it was obvious tt i was waiting... i found myself looking out the window every few min.. sad tt i am right.. it never came... i sacrificed n gave the space, n find myself drifting away somehow.. it drifted away.. n now it''s my turn... it takes 2 hands to clap.. wad can i say?
not the right time to worry about such stuff... shud i go to sch tml? may be not... no mood for anything right now... feeling weak somehow.. draining me... everything is draining me away... gravity made the precious rain fall from my pretty eyes... i dun realli noe y it happened... perhaps it''s one of my mood swings.. i dunno...
chris just smsed me.. sigh... y does he bother? cant u get it? nth will be the same.. i dumped.. but it doesnt make it much easier to forget everything... u did.. at least u claimed tt u did... well, i''m sorry to say i havent.. i cant forgive n forget after all tt has happened... dun blame me for ignoring u.. i''m not ready.. will i ever be? i dunno... but one thing, i''m sure.. the cruel truth to u, it may be... u dun hold a place in my heart anymore..
let me come to u, loneliness.... i need u....

Happy Birthday Guideng~!!!

just came back from guideng's hse at 12... lol... thankgod mumm's not very angry... hee... i called home anyway.. didnt expect us to take so long to reach the mrt station.. hmm.. next time go out late, must give more time allowance.. see la.. must let me go out more often den i noe mah.. lol.. anyway ya.. it's guideng's 21st birthday party.. hmm.. not bad.. food's great~! wad a pity tt seth n weijin cant come..i bet weijin will finish everything by himself.. haha.. n we met his buddy... where he get his "hey dude"from.. they behave exactly the same way.. super enthu one~!

o well... less than 2 weeks to exam.. went out so much this week.. next weekend cannot go out le.. gonna mug very hard from today onwards~!! haha.. if onli i can.. very san fen chong re du one.. cant settle down n mug for long.. got super lotsa things to do for today.. hopefully i can cover enuff... just enuff for today..

so looking forward to dec holidays... haha... hot news coming up~!

shirley the pirate~!

wahaha... dl ing songs is so easy... hmmm.. hopefully i'll be able to sing in kbox like my frens soon.. wahaha... dl so many nice songs... i love fish leong~! hee..

hm... damn sianz.. cant get down to work.. but i guess i'm not the onli one facing this problem.. so.. hm... trying real hard to mug... well, i started swimming frequently.. rather spent the time to burn some fats than nua and grow fatter.. wahaha.. one stone kill 2 birds...

caught up with jason lately.. sigh.. feels weird.. after all tt has happened between us.. hmm... he just told me tt he broke up with his gf.. y? y are all the couples ard me breaking up? anyway.. i dunno if i shud be happy or sad... he told me tt he still love me... after wad.. 5 years.. since sec3.. the time when we're together... he said he has been treating his last 2 ex as sub for me... he said he loved them as if he's loving me... sigh... he say he cant forget me.. n till this day, no one can take my place... he dunno if he shud wait for me.. but he knows tt things will never be the same again.. after how we ended our r/s.. wad he said to me then.. wad his mom said.. y r guys so 犯贱? i'm deeply touched when he told me y n how he decided to leave me then... well, tt''s if wad he said is true.. i''m touched.. but i'm still doubtful of wad he said... after all tt has happened, after the on n off cryings to sleep for about a year, how can i still trust him? y? y tell me all these now? if u noe nth''s gonna work.. y let me know?

so much to say.. so much to filter... waiting for the day to come... when i can blog about all i wan...

zZZZZzzzZZzz....

sianz~! this sucks... life sucks.. exam sucks.... y do i needa mug? y do we needa take exams?! damn it.. my whole family's relaxing n having fun this week.. n me.. poor me.. have to mug n try not to be distracted by them... sigh...

n mummy just rejected my proposal to stay in hall~! sigh.. boring... nth to look forward to now... this is wad i get.. wad i have to live with..

got into fest la vie comm... secetary...ah.. so confident in my england power? haha.. o well... i wonder if they gave me tt pos becoz they r confident in me since i'll be i/c if both pds are not ard.. or... they dun wanna give me any impt pos becoz they dunno me at all.. :( it's so unfair isnt it.. just becoz i never go for union camp.. sigh.. o well.. slack.. i will.. if tt's the way it has to be...

no motivation, no drive for anything.. sayonara...

x moody x upset x bored x nua x tired x pessimistic x i just wan to die

one full day of slacking~~!

o god... hahaha... less than 3 weeks to final exam.. n i did nth yestreday, went to z chen concert.. n den reached occ chalet at 9 plus, almost 10... slacked, watch tv... since my bros dun dare to play mahjong with me.. went for international breakfast.. n jumped into the pool for a 20 laps swim.. feel so fit.. haha... i miss the sun... got tan lines again~~! haha. i dun realli think they r nice.. but... it means i m getting darker~~! yippee~~!

n i just realise tt my breast stroke is wrong.. or rather in effective... saw how this previous sg swimmmer coach the kids... n tried it myself.. fwah.. much faster... n easier i guess... heee.. :P

hmmm... den headed to jalan kayu for prata lunch~~! muahaha.. i had one prata bom, banana prata n teh chino~~! goodness~~! feel so fat now.. but satisfying.. think it''s definitely better than fong seng's.. anyone wan me bring them there to eat?! eh the banana prata is huge~~! twice my face prob.. n i finished it all by myself~~! lol...

so i think now it's -20 laps again... muahaha...

hm... time to get some work done.. trying real hard.. cant seem to sit down n concentrate... swimming is one big distraction.. strating to luv swimming more... n... i get to tan~~! lol.. just realise.. hmm.. even though i grow fat le.. fats piling up on my obliques.. but heck~~! can still wear my bikini... not sexy.. but not tt bad as well.. lol... how to tan when u wear one piece seah?

okok.. chao~~! gotta d/l songs n do my fna project~~! last one to go~~! wee~~!

2nd post

Your Birthdate: August 13

Being born on the 13th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer, but it may also give you a tendency to dominate people a bit. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious, hard working individual. Your feeling are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. Your intolerance and insistence on complete accuracy can be irritating to some.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

i fried my diy ice cream~!

yea... jus got back from marina square, sukiyaki n teppankyaki buffet.. hehehe.. believe it or not.. i had 11 favours of ice cream~! muahaha... it's basically similar to seoul garden... meat no seasoned as well as seoul garden's but they had sushis n my fac baby octopus, etc~! ate a lot of tt.. hehehe :P hmmm... unfortunately, no sashimi, if not... wahahaha... but of coz, it wouldnt be so cheap then... i think dinner week end onli about 21? well +++ la..

ooo n it's realli interesting tt u can "fry" ur own ice cream... hm.. they had this flavoured liquid in little cups.. hmm.. n they'll clean up ur table, turn the hot plate to cold one where u can make ur own diy ice cream.. when it';s cold enuff,m the liquid changes to semi solid form realli quickly... they have like 16 flavours.. i had 11... wahahaha~! eat more n grow fat~! how to diet like tt? lol.. hmmm.. orange sherbet n fresh orange r refreshing n nice... champagne's cool.. haha.. next time i shall try the other 5 tt i missed, yam, banana, walnut, grape n one more.. i cant remember.. hee.. :P

sigh.. another wk gone... didnt do much.. tried to mug.. but with so much happening, projects, meetings, lectures, tutorials.. how to seah? sigh... worried worried...

my new blogskin~!

hee changed blog skin again.. lol...
hmm.. isnt it nice?
pink.. the colour my mum used to force me to dress in..
haha.. pple change, dun they?
i'm starting to like purple too..
the hot funky bright purple.. n pink of coz..
hmm.. this skin kinda speaks of where i am right now in my life..
but still dun feel very contented with it..
bcoz sth seems to be missing..
not attitude enuff.. not shirley enuff.. yea..

hmmm... new stage of life..
some old r/s breaks, some new ones are formed..
funny how pple change..
how much pple can change..
n hence how r/s suffers or get affected becoz of so..
but it is inevitable i guess...

if u wan it to last,
make it happen..
do sth..
compromise..
dun let it be the excuse for the failure of ur r/s
if it aint worth it,
den f**k it..
dun waste each others' time..
move on...

it isnt tt difficult to be alone..
single n avaliable has it's pros too..
u can bieo any yandao whenever u wan..
tok about them with ur frens like no one's biz...
get closer to opp sex w/o worrying..
n lots more freedom of coz..

but love is sweet..
hong keat asked me..
n ya.. i prefer to be loved if u let me choose..
i would rather marry someone who loves me more than i love him..
i'm selfish..
cant help it..
gals are more xinfu when they r being loved..
i wanna be one of them.. lol.. :P

read yimin's blog tt day..
it's a fact tt exams are in less than 4 weeks..
but look on the bright side..
it's also a fact tt holidays r in less than 5 weeks.. wahaha..
so looking for dec holidays...
i gg for slc, pru chalet, cruise, fwc prep..
wad's more in for me?!

time to start mugging.. i hope..

yea... went to watch movie today... hehe... happy happy~! i realli hate mugging la... sianz... so unfulfiling.. sigh.. 4 more weeks to final papers... must start mugging.. today shall be my last day for slacking..

o n must start doing sit ups n exercise more.. i m realli growing fat~! o ya.. i ate super lots today... hm.. banana chocolate cake at secret recipe.. n got to taste baked cheese too.. wahah.. hey it's dman cheap~! 1 for 1~! shall go eat more.. wahaha... oops.. no i m supposed to be on diet~! hm... den or fillet burger meal.. with cheese fries... den jumbo fish ball... wahaha... it must be the company...

n like half an hour later, when i met my family, i ate another banito... wahaha... realli growing fat.. n i just had red bean soup.. o no... i am having food therapy..

o well... seems like i dun realli have much to say...

i'm just a happy happy ger today... :)

o man.. exams r like in a mth time.. n just dun have the mood to mug.. sigh... i realli wanna go out chiong.. have some fun... becoz i wont get any for like the next 4, 5 weeks... sianz... sigh... y must we have exams?

been rotting at home the whole day.. did nth constructive.. n man d.e. is tough seah~! i need more practice.. hmmm...

yea.. tml going to watch flightplan.. hehe... at least sth...

shall try to mug hard from mon onwards.. :P

i dunno y i'm here... watching tv... haha cant seem to write anything here... :P

i love you

Yesterday you asked me something
I thought you knew
So i told you with a smile
Its all about you
Then you whispered in my ear
And you told me too
Said you make my life worthwhile
Its all about you

And i would answer all your wishes
If you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses
Don't know what I'd do
So hold me close
And say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
Its all about you, yeah!

The Bottom Line
Your opinions will be challenged when you meet someone who's different.

In Detail
Make your reservations -- and make them without any reservations, if you'll pardon the pun. You're totally overdue for some fun, you're beginning to think that this 'all work and no play' thing isn't doing wonders for your disposition, and you're also wondering if your relationship might not benefit from a bit of time away together -- alone, that is. Sounds like a plan. Now choose your destination -- and please don't forget to ask for the input of your traveling companion.

My opinions of what? friendster knows me well... this is scary...

i'm already looking forward to dec holidays.. planning activities for dec holiday.. fwc planning, pru slc, pru chalet, catching up with softballers, pri sch buddies, jc classmates may be.. n i m hoping tt i can find time to go back coach my tk juniors.. miss softball.. miss them.. miss coach...

been considering if i wanna stay in hall next sem.. unfortunately, i dun have the time to go earn money so tt i can pay everything myself.. cant do it in year 2.. will prob be too busy by then.. n besides, there r so mnay events for pru next sem.. think it makes sense staying in hall since i'll have to go home late pretty often..

talked to weijie, paulene, serene my cousin... shears or kent ridge? the less happening or the more happening? frens' company or cousin's company? which block to stay in?

the main reason y i wanna stay in hall is to experience hall life... an opportuinity to learn how to take care of myself... will be useful if i wanna go for sep...

ahh too much sensoring done.. i am blogging for the sake of blogging.. so no pt.. chao..

what is frenster horoscope saying?

From friendster:

The Bottom Line
You know what you want -- so put your energy into getting it. Be enthusiastic.

In Detail
When it comes to relationships, what you're offering is like gold. What you insist upon is someone who can provide you with nothing that even remotely resembling 'the usual' -- in any department. This doesn't necessarily mean that you'll try to entice someone, who's currently attached, away from their current situation, but if you did -- well, let's hope it would be only because you were sure that you and they would have a long-term relationship that would be better for both of you. Right?

I dun understand seah.. my england too poor.. just got back my critique.. sigh.. didnt do well again.. a lil better than summary.. but it still sucks... sigh... when can i do as well as chong hua and all the smarties? sob.. :( feel unhappy.. n havent tok to anyone about it.. perhaps i should approach ms pang soon.. ask for help to improve my ctw... cant afford to do badly.. it will affect my cap..

ah exams is in wad.. 6 weeks time.. it's freaking everyone out... i shud be studying already.. but i just cant find the time.. 3 projects on hand.. nth much has been done for ctw since chonghua and melissa r both so busy.. i cant accomplish much, for the fact tt my england sucks.. shall look for more info n let them do the writing... argh... how can they expect us to finish mugging eveything in a week's time? o man... this sucks...

i've decided not to run for any project vd.. y? becoz i am pretty certain tt i will be involved in fwc.. n i realli wanna do sth for my juniors.. n hm.. sem 2 will be very xiong for me... so i am not confident of being able to commit so much time for pru events.. sob.. wad a pity... shall take on small roles in all events if possible.. hee... :P after all, i joined pru to enrich my uni life.. not to earn any cca points.. n besides, i had my fair share of 6 years of leadership... not keen to climb up to some impt pos like pres of pru anyway.. :P

sigh... sometimes i wonder if i have made the right choice.. do i think too much? shud i just do wad i want.. risk it all.. n not consider so much about whether i have the time for all tt i wanna do.. cant help it... i've learnt to prioritise in some sense.. my studies is ultimately the most impt thing now.. so.. i will not let it suffer under any circumstances.. well most circumstances.. :P think tt is sth someone needs to understand right now..

i mean ya.. of coz u have ur dreams, ur goals, things u want to accomplish in life.. but.. there r always limitations to wad u can do... life isnt perfect... u cant control time.. so... choose wisely how u wanna spend ur 24h everyday...

if i could, if i had the time, i wanna learn cooking now.. i wanna attenda make up courses now, i wanna learn jap.. i wanna vice head any projects i can get my hands onto.. i wanna play major role in fwc.. i wanna do well for all my exams n be in the dean's list for all sems.. i wanna hang out with my frens every week.. go watch movie.. play pool wadsoever... i wanna spend quality time with my mr right, feel loved n pampered n all.. i wanna make more frens.. i wanna lighten my parents' load by helping out with all the house chores.. i wanna help coach my juniors... n so much more..

there r so many things i wanna do.. but do i have the time? so unfortunately, i realised tt i am not some octopus... cant handle all at a time.. decided to pick out a few.. n leave the rest for the future.. when i have more time to accomplish them.. y hurry? i am onli 19.. always believed in completing wad's most impt first... well dun apply to all cases.. but... realli... there's a limit to wad one can do..

wad makes a gd leader? self motivation i feel is very impt.. it realli aint easy leading a grp, especially when they r all passive slackers waiting to be arrowed.. some pple prob dun like the idea of arrowing pple, like chong hua.. but after all, isnt tt part of the duty of a chairperson or leader? oversee everything, distribute duties n settle all the admin stuff.. leaders work. but wad differentiates them from the "workers" are their ability to distribute the work load... a successsful grp consist of a gd leader and gd followers... one cannot accomplish as much as an effective grp can...

ahh i dunno wad i am blabbering about already.. haha.. tt's all for my crap... i am lost for words again... time to sleep.. nitey~! o.. think paulene knows already...

i miss sat~!!

sigh... havent had so much for a long long time.. all the mugging.. not tt i am a mugger.. but it's peer pressure.. everyone's mugging so hard.. u cant stop n slack for too long.. or rather, i just feel tt i have to keep up with the pace.. nah.. cant blame it on peer pressure becoz i do work at my own pace...

took fna mid term test on sat afternoon.. rushed to nus in a cab from harbourfront.. lol.. ya was late again.. gosh cost me 7 plus bucks! can u believe it?! o well.. i like open book test... haha.. i would say tt fna test wasnt exactly tt tough.. it's more of tricky... a test of my ENGLAND.. ya england.. i find myself unable to interpret some of the qn sometimes.. i mean they just seem ambiguous... dnno if i interpret it correctly.. n hence doubtful of my answers... hope i do ok...

hmm.. n after all tt mugging, i decided to reward myself with an evening of slacking n fun!! haha... went to ps.. watch Into The Blue... tt gal.. issit jessica alba? she;s super hot! the guys in front of us were making so much noise.. prob nose bleeding over the kissing scenes and her boobs.. lol..

ahhh.. i am so envious of the couple.. ahaha... just reminds me of me.. lol... i'm touchy too! haha.. onli with my special one of coz.. well tt depends on the extent we're both comfortable with.. anyway, everything went well on sat... better than i expected in every area i suppose...

o had dinner at ichiban.. lol.. i love my ichiban set.. yum yum... but jap food is ex.. haha... still dun feel the pinch yet.. coz i didnt pay... wahaha...

n ya.. didnt do anything until sun morning..

n yes.. fourier series is terrifying!!! so many intergrations to do! yucks! i hate by parts!! spent the whole day doing it.. reading notes, wtahcing webcast tt didnt help... n attempting my tutorial.. thankfully.. i couldnt do onli qn 3... sigh.. not so bad after all..

ahh lots to do in the coming weeks... HELP~!!!

2nd post - from http://rep.astrology.com/free/9050/9559/1.html

Chapter 1: love's astrological profileSun in LeoWhen love was born, the Sun was in the Sign Leo, the Lion. love displays a great capacity for warmth, magnanimousness, generosity and playfulness. The ideal partner is an affectionate, demonstrative soul who helps her enjoy life to the fullest, encourages her inventive spirit, and isn't threatened by her charisma. If a relationship fails to provide sufficient shared joy and healthy mirroring, love may eventually feel undervalued and deprived. However, if the relationship is the sole source of her "strokes," she is courting trouble, because that's too much to ask from any one person. love would do well to have a creative outlet, and/or another source of personal affirmation and satisfaction besides the relationship

some tots about r/s discussed with weijin today..

ha... didnt bring notes to phy lecture today.. ended up reading my fna txt bk n talked about r/s with weijin.. he's so serious when we're on tt topic..

hmm... i guessed i gave it a lil more tot when weijin commented tt it was pretty fast for me to be able to get over chris in a mth plus time.. well.. perhaps so.. it sounds fast.. but i personally feel tt the reason y u broke up is an important factor here..

say if u broke up peacefully becoz u both feel tt u r not as compatible as u tot u were n decided to be frens onli.. the first few weeks or mths after breaking up, u may feel tt u have gained a bit more freedom, but nth much has changed.. u will most likely not have any problem staying as frens.. if u had, u would be patching up again..

but if u broke up becoz u were upset n disappointed with the other becoz of certain reasons, then, things wouldnt be so simple.. u may not be able to reamin as frens.. if u hated the other then, may be not forever.. but for tt period, u will not wan to keep in contact at all.. n perhaps it;s gd.. to give each other time to cool off.. to get over all of these.. n may be after several years.. i dunno.. u may be able to become frens again..

the latter applies to me.. shall not go into the details.. y so n so.. since it has all passed.. but well, i initiated the break up.. i didnt like and agree with quite ano of things about him n wad he did.. several complications were involved which resulted the hate for him building up in me.. n ya.. hence i feel tt it was much easier for me to get over tt r/s... it's like sth off ur shoulder... i'm free again.. i can finally be who i am inside..

i felt tt it was wrong.. the r/s wasnt right becoz i couldnt be who i am.. i couldnt find the comfort in him when i was down.. even when he was physically there for me.. he just wasnt the one.. diff frequency perhaps.. some may argue tt well, at leats he's there for u.. y complain? y not cherish? i appreaciate a lot as i've told him before.. but.. he isnt a soul mate to me.. n tt's wad i need.. it's no more about the lovey dovey things u do for each other.. u may be sweet.. but so wad?

i've gone past the stage where u're all concerned about the sweet little nths u say to each other.. the lovey dovey sweet stuff u do for one another.. things u read in romance comics... it is important of coz.. but perhaps i'm looking for more of the connection.. spiritual love? hmmm.. dunno how to explain it.. just feel tt i have matured a lil more.. understood a lil more about life.. seen a lil bit more.. n expecting a lil more.. amy be not more.. just sth diff... sth tt has never came into my mind.. or wasnt tt significant..

i tried to search for tt missing thing in him.. but i couldnt.. n he disappointed me much more in some other areas.. i wouldnt say tt it's all his fault.. it's mine too.. becoz i changed.. i admit tt.. i moved forward.. perhaps a lil too fast.. hmm.. i wouldnt say tt coming into uni have influenced my decision.. perhaps it did.. but it wasnt significant.. becoz.. i didnt fall for anyone i met in sch so often then.. even if i did, it wouldnt made such a big diff.. becoz we already had problems way before i came to uni.. way before fwc... perhaps even before i got my posting results.. dun quite remember when it all started...

weijin's right.. i would agree tt a lot will change when a couple who dated since sch time, go into the work force.. be it one of them or both.. u're introduced to a new environment, new pple.. n pple tend to get a lil stressed up if they have a hard time adapting to this new environment.. it's so overwhelming.. but if a couple wants to stick on together thru thick n thin, some changes will have to be made.. or rather compromisation.. nth will remain the same forever... it's up to us, it's up to the couple, the individual to change him/herself n adapt to this new environment if he/she cannot change the situation..

i never believed in finding a partner in ur class.. haha.. so my dear classmates, i'm so sorry.. lol.. it's like u see each other everyday.. as weijin has mentioned, it wouldnt matter much becoz u got used to one another.. ur other becomes ur company.. but if u were ever to be separated from each other for a period of time.. or if u cant meet one another as often as before becoz of certain things, then.. problems will arise.. haha sorry cheryl... but u r one gd example.. oops :P

hmm... sch mates r ok.. but the least.. diff class.. every individual needs their own space.. n time for ur own family n frens.. etc.. i'm sticky.. yes i am.. but i dun believe in meeting up everday.. sticking together every min, every sec if possible.. u can meet everyday.. for may be an hour? walk each other home, meet up for meals.. to study... i dunno.. but sticking together all the time is just too much...

haha think evereything may be no link after all, i typed wad my mind's saying.. tt's the way my tots flow.. :P are u lost, my dear reader? hee...

how true would this be i wonder?

Frenster has it all..

The Bottom Line
You two make a good combination. Everyone sees it. Don't take chemistry for granted.

In Detail
It's definitely time to relax, because romance is still very much on your personal agenda. Of course, you'll need to finish up your chores, balance the checkbook and shop -- but once that's over, you'll be free to fully commit yourself to the concept of nothing but recreation. You being the romantic, it won't be difficult to entice that certain companion to join you -- the one who'll be more than happy to pretend not to rush over the moment you call.

Tired of being alone.. the post getting over period is coming.. i can feel it.. especially when everyone;s so stressed up with sch work, tests n projects.. sigh.. 3 projects!! n phy is getting so compliacated by lecture... i feel stupid.. couldnt do a single qn in tutorial 3.. where's my angel? i wanna run in to his wings n hide...

blogger's cock up

i am typing my post here.. with a weird layout.. dunno wad's up with blogger... the icons are taking up such a big space in this page..

have been wanting to blog for the past few days.. was kinda free.. but i dunno y i wasnt able to find time to blog.. hmm.. havent been able to do anything constructive since mon.. after maths test.. omg.. been slacking a lot.. n thu n fri were busy days.. had nussu agm on thu nite .. wasted my 3h there.. n pru meeting on fri evening.. well wasnt tt bad..

wanna sign up to be slc facilitator since i didnt get into the comm.. man.. shall make my dec packed with lots of fun activities.. wondering if i should start giving tuition.... in dec or sth.. dunno if i can cope.. sigh...

hm... time to do some tutorials.. ah die.. i went out the whole day again.. afternoon to bishan.. hee lunch n shopping~!! o there's this new biz idea.. this interesting stall was selling hermit crabs as pets! so cool! n they r realli cute! in their colourful shells.. hahaha... hmm but super ex.. if not i will consider to keep one myself.. like wad.. 45 bucks for one?! goodness.. *hint hint~!!

ooo.. n i realised sth again.. hairstly makes a person look realli diff.. ever since i first rebonded my hair, i've been getting more attention.. ahh not bragging here.. just tt it was so obvious tt i couldnt have not noticed.. was leading ma to surf paradise... den these 2 guys in green were walking towards my direction.. they walked past me at first.. n i found out tt they reversed.. n came into the same shop.. surf paradise... yups.. think i overheard them saying, "norh.. this one looking at tt swimming costume lo"... n ya i was looking at one.. just in front of them.. i onli took noticed of them becoz they were wearing the same shirt.. wonder y.. so brother ah? hahaha...

well, it didnt realli bothered me.. then, i went to the hermit crab stall to take a look.. n they suddenly poped out beside me n started talking to the boss, asking how long they'll be there n all.. n their questions sounded pretty duh.. n i caught them looking at me twice! ahahaha... flattered.. coz one of them's quite cute.. hehehe... :P

o later found out tt they were working in fox.. just a few shops away from the hermit crab stall.. lol.. i think i saw one of them smiling at me when i walked past their shop.. hahaha... wad a day..

my hea'd getting bigger.. anyone wanna help me burst it? lol...

my 2nd post for today..

friendster might be the source of motivation.. they always seem to noe wad's happening to me..

" Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile. In other words, your luck is about to take a spectacular turn for the better, and you can happily put away any lingering problems that have been on your mind for far too long. Before you pack everything in mental bubble wrap and put it away forever, make sure you examine each of these past conundrums and remember the lessons they taught you -- you don't want to have to learn them again! "

my physics sux...

o man... sigh... just found out my phy mid term results.. 8/15.. just pass.. how bad is tt? there were many 7s though.. n quite a lot of 10+s... sigh sigh.. so wad m i? above avg? below avg? or just avg onli? i dun wanna be avg.. this sucks.. need help in physics~!!!

hm... havent been doing much these 2 days .. ever since maths test... shag seah.. just wanna rest.. slack.. wadever... but i just got my phy marks n it sucks! needa spend more time in phy le.. havent been doing much for phy.. n all the work r piling up.. i feel so free.. n yet worried becoz i noe sth is wrong.. sth bad is coming.. i will soon be working like a bee... AGAIN~!! argh..

one sem realli fly past real fast... sigh... so looking forward to holidays.. i must play as much as i can.. haha.. havent take exams.. already thinking about holidays.. bad bad...

need some motivation to keep me going.. burning out.. or rather burnt out already... n i onli got 8 for phy.. sigh...

the cons of being "single n available"... where is the love? actually it's there.. so wad else do i need actually? cant seem to get my momentum.. sports? needa exercise more...

did i mention tt i hate travelling to n fro? y is nus so freaking far.. tml will be a long day.. wont have energy to do anything by the time i get home.. sigh... I WANNA STAY IN HALL.. may be residence will be better... sigh...

long distance relationships seldom last... if i get into one, will i survive it, i wonder? i m independent n yet dependent.. i wanna be strong.. i m strong.. n yet i m weak... very weak at times... sigh...

mom once ask me when i was with chris.. will chris affect ur decision if u have a chance to go overseas to study one day? my answer was a firm no... but then again, now when i think of it, if i do have someone, i might be affected.. i wouldnt bear to leave him alone for mths or years.. i'll miss him a lot.. but o well.. i am wad.. 19? so young.. shud go for it if i can.. it applies for him too i guess... cant bear to.. but cant help it.. no choice.. becoz it's the right thing to do..

ha y m i toking about this? o well...

ahhh i m too tired...

o man... 2 down!! 3 more to go!

had my mkt presentation n phy mid term today.. mkt presentation was quite a success.. it was engaging i feel... so interesting tt out q n a session lasted for half an hour.. haha.. n i got my first A~!!!! A- actually.. hehe... :P happy ger..

ah... for the whole of mid term i have been sleeping at 2, 3am.. waking up realli early ranging from 6-8am.. n going to sch to do projects for my 2 sartors... sigh.. burn out.. too tired.. so tired my brain felt swollen... had sore eye.. n i guess i was too tired to think properly.. brain not functioning well, n hence screwed up my phy test.. o well.. i did 10 qn.. ti-cam the other 5.. of which 4 i could have done if my brian was working... n i was basically clueless about qn 14.. ahhh so bu4 gan1 xin1~!!! sigh.. 1st test.. it's always like tt.. o sigh.. n after looking at it for another 30min to an hour, i realise there's onli 1 qn tt i cant do... ahhh~!!!! brian not working! i am so brain dead now anyway..

sigh.. there's maths on mon n i ahvent mug
think i needa destress.. tml ps invited us for his ktv bdae session.. may be i'll go.. if mum let me stay out a bit later than usual ba.. NEED A BREAK~!!!!

n my decision to sleept for like 1.5 h was correct... it wouldnt have made a diff if i used tt 1.5 to mug.. sigh...

luna gathering - shang yue hui last night

yea.. gathering again.. hee.. actually we didnt do much.. just met up, eat mooncakes, pomelo, tok cok... yub.. hmm some of us met up at munchie monkeys earlier to have dinner together.. n.. haha.. we're late again.. must always remember the one hour rule.. o well, everything's in sch anyway... yub.. o n there was this band performing.. hm... quite cool.. n the lead singer was pretty impressive.. would love to go munchi monkey again to chill out with a few frens, watch the band perform n all.. hee :)

hm.. yub.. we went to the park near arts... it was realli dark.. benches may have been dirty.. but too dark to realli see.. so i just heck care n sat down.. haha.. hmm.. den guideng n shanbing lited some lanterns n hung them on the bushes.. n loren, kah sin set up candles on the table tops... was not so bad after all... hong bee n yimin were like the main target of the suaning session.. lol... so funny.. heng shanbing n me never kana anything.. ahahaha.. i'm not very gd at verbal battles.. hee.. wols la...

hmm... ya.. n it was getting pretty late.. n we had so many mooncakes to settle.. so we started playing our fav game.. zhong ji mi ma.. alamak.. i kana once.. ate this quarter of double egg yolk mooncake.. think it's my regent hotel mooncake.. it's nice la.. but think it's a bit too heaty for me.. now dun feel very good.. yea.. luckily got seth n weijie beside me.. if not i would have kana once more.. haha felt pretty sick after tt quarter of mooncake.. o poor chee siang kana instead.. lol... hm.. was my no tt diff to guess? 22 is like my all time fav no.. my jersey no.. u would have known if u noe me well enuff..

yub.. n nice val sent us home.. hee... great.. even though we got caught in the traffic jam... n hey.. val's driving not bad wad... wad's wrong? at least i didnt get car sick.. coz i do.. when i take long bus rides or when my mum drives.. oops.. wahaha... :P

hm.. mid term starting.. i wanna have fun.. n i wanna mug hard too... mid term test will be an indicator of where i am...

frenster seems to have an answer for me..

The Bottom Line
If you want to truly understand your power, give up control from time to time.

In Detail
It's hard to let go of an old relationship, whether it's a friend you've known since kindergarten or someone you see on a daily basis. However, if the situation is getting more and more uncomfortable, and you two are getting less and less enjoyment from each other's company, it's time to evaluate what's going on with a clear and cool head. It's nobody's fault -- in fact, it's quite normal. You're just growing in different directions.

shud i heed it? wad exactly do i wan? i m weak.. i run away when i dunno wad to do.. i m fickle at times.. at times when i dunno wad to do.. o gosh i just agreed with weijin tt i m not fickle unlike most gals... wad is this?

my msn nick: %@ xUeLi @% - InCoMpLeTe- something is missing in my life

ya.. my msn nick always speaks of how i m feeling inside.. i m kinda happy with my life right now.. i mean it's alright.. but it just aint good enough.. it can be better? n it should be? feel tt sth is lacking..

perhaps one, my uni life isnt well balanced.. been mugging and mugging onli.. not used to not being active in a cca... may be so.. met sharon n szwha yesterday.. made me miss softball and my team mates so much.. they look so happy with each other.. where's my cheryl? sob sob...

hm.. besides tt, i guess i m still in the process of getting used to being alone.. "single n available".. haha.. i'm such an attention seeker i realise... it just feels weird tt there isnt anyone there throwing all his attention to me.. feel like i dun belong to anyone.. y do i need to feel so, seth one asked me.. n he's right.. i m insecure.. i m confident.. but no so after all? i need to be constantly reassured... tt's wad's missing.. ahh i m driving myself crazy.. but tt's how i feel.. tt's who i am...

decided to be more independent.. no more sticking shirley.. drew the line.. just not convinced.. no enuff to give my all.. just aint fair to me.. u gotta work harder if u realli wan it..

sth interesting from frenster again..

The Bottom Line
Let pride save you from a getting involved in a power struggle with a weak person.

In Detail
Straight answers may be hard to come by right now, especially if the questions themselves are as complicated and twisty as any maze. Clearly, the astrological lesson here is that you need to learn how to make up your own mind. Get a little clarity and focus on what you want the outcome of the situation to be, then make your decisions and stand behind them. Once your colleagues and friends see what a success you can be, they'll be coming to you for advice.

wasnt looking for answers when i read this.. after reading, i guess i can apply it to certain situations in my life right now.. went for slc comm interview just now.. it was very smooth.. just opened up n tok cock with the 2 heads.. hm.. not sure if i can get my ranked no 1 pos - public relations officer.. hope to do it with someone i noe.. may be felix.. will be fun.. will be able to achieve my aim of knowing more pple in nus.. make more frens.. hee... think the heads will be interested to tok to a chio bu n a yandao ya? lol.. anyway, yup... i was told tt we will have meetings n all starting from may be next week.. in the evenings.. hm.. well, tt's the way it is if i m gonna get myself involved.. yup.. no answers to wad i m getting myself into.. but it's wad i think i wanna do.. so.. we'll see how things come about..

oops m i making sense here? ahaha..

hm... when some things cant be said.. it gets more complicated.. sigh... things happen at the wrong time.. the insecure me is driving me nuts again.. i actually teared over such a small thing.. wad happen to u shirley? u're supposed to be stronger than before~!

a lil bit of sparks in my life..

havent had the time to blog these few days becoz of stupid ctw assignment 2~! finally sort of finished it. yea.. hee :) hm... sch's getting boring.. mug , mug n more mugging... sigh... when are pru activities gonna start?

oo.. ya... lil sparks in my life.. i had my very first bike ride last fri... so cool~! hee.. weixian came to fetch me to sch on his motorbike.. i was realli scared in the beginning... felt so unprotected out on the road beside all the cars.. speeding n flying thru the road.. kinda held onto him pretty tightly in the beginning.. lol.. so pai seh.. but after while, i sorta got used to it.. onli realli felt the adrenaline rush when he went faster than 90km/h on my 2nd ride.. haha.. yea.. got default chauffer... lol... exploit or not? muahaha..

hm.. havent seen weixian for a long time.. since wad.. erm.. was it mid j2? yup... he still love wearing his singlets.. not bad.. he always look gd in them.. o n his new haircut.. kinda funky.. made him look like a boi boi.. lol.. n i almost forgot tt he's wad.. 4 years older than me.. haha.. feels great to catch up with old frens.. shud do it more often after my mid term.. or may be in dec...

a few strangers have been msging me in frenster ever since i changed my status.. y so? y r pple like tt? u're onli interested in a gal when u think u have the chance to get her? wont take initiative to make frens with someone who's attached?

let's see wad's frenster's forecast is like for today..

It's time to do a little cutting and pasting when it comes to your recent situation. Blazing a new trail isn't always easy, but the effort will be worth it in the end. Once this is over, people will know you're a force to be reckoned with.

wad does it mean?

some blog sites realli sux u noe.. u type a lot.. post.. n gone.. damn it.. wth~! waste my time..

i'm so PISSED~!

argh...~!

ah.. for short, i didnt imply anything.. i'm confident n yet insecure.. yup.. tt's all. some things come naturally. dun feel obligued to do anything.. i never meant it tt way.. i onli tot i could share it with a gd fren...

stress.. ya.. everyone's feeling it since mid term is coming up.. u have catching up to do.. so do i.. everyone is starting to mug too.. wad's new? even if i was unhappy about anything, i wouldnt have said anything.. becoz it would be selfish.. anyway i have to clarify.. no i am not unhappy despite the regrets.. i just wondered how things would be like if everything happened later.. tt's all.. i might not fully understand the stress u feel.. wad about mine?

u're sad becoz it is impt to u..

i m not complaining.. i m just sharing my tots.. perhaps u're wrong tt we can share everything with one another.. it doesnt seem so to me anymore.. u dun make me feel so.. well, tt's too bad.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. wad can i do alone?

ha... havent blog for some time already... i'm shagged.. tired.. but just cant sleep when i get home.. i dunno y...

went for PRU elections yesterday night.. sigh.. n again, i didnt run for any position.. i dunno.. i just dun like to take up sth tt i'm unsure of.. this sem is suppose to be a slack one.. but.. i'm not quite sure wad's happening for some like physics.. worried about my studies.. which is definitely my first priority... so.. running for events head or vice might be too xiong for me.. after all, u have to oversee all the 4 os issit 5 events, host overseas students and organise gatherings for the entire PRU.. alamak..i mean i like to doing such stuff.. but do i have the time? can i commit? i'm not quite sure wad i'll be getting myself into.. so.. ya tt's me.. if i decided to do it, i'll go all out for it.. if not, might as well dun touch.. so yea.. decided not to run in the end... tot competition was tough.. gim song is a very gd candidate.. seems steady n pro.. but ya.. after hearing their speeches, i felt some regrets.. felt tt i might have had a "pt of difference" (frm mkt text) to compete with the rest... not tt they arent gd.. but i have a lot more personal experiences tt i have been able to bring up in my speech to prove my capabilities.. well, then again, it all comes down to whether i can commit.. i'm not sure.. so o well..

just sms arvind to confirm with him tt i've decided to join fwc comm.. no recognition or wad so ever.. i dun realli care.. just wanna make fwc a special meaningful n unforgettable experience for the freshies next year, just like how the seniors have done it.. or may be even better.. since i havent got any pos in PRU, well, shall keep myself well balanced with preparations for fwc perhaps.. hm.. i am actually looking forward to PRU's SLC too.. been a vice cap for 4 years but never been to any SLCs unlike my bro... hm.. will be an interesting experience.. i hope to make SP night a romantic and unforgettable one.. ya.. it was a hit to me.. fwc wouldnt be the same without tt night.. tt night tt i bonded closer with a few pple.. ya..

anyway, back to elections.. ended onli at about 1.25am.. goodness.. ya this morning... some cock up grp of frens were to lazy to write their own votes.. all handed in with the same handwritting n we have to revote again.. argh.. it was getting into my nerves.. felt like scolding them.. i felt bad.. becoz the rest were waiting for me in hall.. ya.. stayed in hall for the first time.. in paulene's.. hee.. quite fun.. but of coz.. i was too tired.. ran back to hall to wash up n then met the rest for supper at feng song.. oops.. is tt place call feng song? ah nvm.. ya..feel guilty.. needa go exercise one of these days.. it was wad.. 3am? n i had one cheese prata, one banana prata with honey.. n dinosaur... wahahaha... i'm such a pig!!

perhaps i ate too much... or may be i'm just not used to not sleeping on my own queen size bed with my dear boster.. haha.. didnt realli sleep well.. n argh.. thanks but.. u noe.. my parents came at 7.40am to pick me up.. it's like so early!! i had to drag myself out from the bed seah.. it was comfy.. n i felt too nua to move.. o well.. it's quite a gd experience.. looking forward to physco my mum to let me stay in hall in sem 3.. i wan play buaya week too.. i'm sure i m gd at it.. lol... anyone wanna try? lol..

ahh damn.. mid term coming.. so much to do.. so much to catch up with.. i have got no idea wad's happening for mid term seah.. sianz.. time to start some serious work... hee.. no choice must start to be mugger le.. i feel stupid ard all the chem engineers.. they're like how smart.. ahahaha... die.. i'm onli looking forward to all the fun part.. like next fri.. got shang yue hui with lunatics.. hee... fun fun~!!!

carefree shirley

yup.. free of worries.. but work has been piling up.. wasted too much time crying over tt stupid relationship.. ah.. heck.. free from it... pls dun appear in my life again.. i dun wanna hear a word from u..

i'm happy now.. free to do wad i wan.. time for reflections.. move on gal..

needa start mugging or sth... i dun understand a thing for phy.. n i m super lagigng behind for mkt.. ahhh.. diee...

was with him.. n things turn real sour... i promised him tt i will try to lose my hate for him.. and treat him as a fren at least.. i tried.. i realli tried..

but he kept talking about our past.. reminding me of all those moments.. well, i had more unhappy ones in my mind.. so i got realli sick of it.. he doesnt understand.. so i started being a little harsh...

when we were on our way back, we quarreled... he was so frustrated tt he actually threw the newspaper he was holding onto, at me.. whack.. hard at my back... i m so angry.. so disapointed.. no one has ever done tt to me.. it shows how much respect he has for me..

realli cant tolerate him anymore.. i ran.. i tried to run away from him.. i cant face him anymore.. everything about him pisses me off.. well with my fna txt bk in my bag, how fast could i run.. ?

he caught up and stopped me.. pestered me all the way back for another chance.. how mnay chances have i gave him? tt's it.. nth more to say about him.. i told him off.. i told him to get out of my life.. y do i have to take all this shit? i'm selfish.. i wanna be happy.. tt's y i left him.. i m never comfortable ard him.. argh.. f***

-this is a repeat post -

ya nvm.. brief one.. i just hate him to the core... out of my life.. i dun wan to shed another tear for u... STOP PESTERING ME!!!