one down, one more to go..

yea problem finally solved.. things arent tt bad actually.. it's just the matter of whether u wan it to be solved.. like wad val said.. hm.. i'm glad tt so many of my frens cared.. yong quan, val, sipei, weng hong, peisheng are the few seniors who have talked to me.. showed their concern... thanks pple... well, it takes two hands to clap.. i wanted to solve it.. n i got pple involved to settle it together with me.. yup.. great.. feel so much better now..

but there's still one.. the one tt has been dragging on for months... i dun have to take this shit... i realli dun have to.. y am i still holding on? becoz i m too soft? becoz i feel responsible for certain things? wtf seah... i badly wan to be free from this shit.. seriously.. i deserve much better.. y shud i give u anymore chances? ahhh fuck... fuck off... u piss me off.. u spoil my day.. u ruin my life..

i feel better but i still dunno wad i shud do

i'm alright i guess.. i m much better..
i commented as he asked.. i dunno if it's right to do so..
i hope it's for the better..
i couldnt realli express myself properly..
some things close to ur heart cannot be clearly explained..
it's there to be felt..
do u noe? can u feel it?
perhaps he didnt understand me well enuff as i tot he did..
sigh.. o well...
i've said my piece..
i hope he realise tt it's all up to wad he wan now..
i always felt the same way..
he's the one being fickle n unsure of wad he wan..
wad we will become, wad we r... it all lies in his hands..
i'm willing to be at ur side.. do u wan me to?
i'll support u.. i always did.. but wad do u wan me to support u in?
i gave u ur space.. let me noe if u need anything else..
there's phy lecture tml.. time to worry again..
i have to run.. i have to try to avoid appearing in front of him..
i dun wan to ruin his day.. i dun wan to make him sad..
but sch's so big.. i think i can hide..

helpless & useless

i read it. i wanted to comment.. but i tot i shouldnt.. u onli want me to read it... i dun have the right to say anything.. i dun wan to say anything wrong.. tt will make u feel worse.. i post n i deleted..

i'm sad becoz i cant be there to remove all the pain.. i feel useless.. i wan to do so so badly.. but i shouldnt.. i may make things worse.. STOP SHIRLEY. u need ur space.. i gotta shut myself up for this one time..

wait... wait... if he needs u, he will come to u when he's ready.. i'm as confused as u r...

positive way of looking at it..

i teared a little when i realise i have lost sth special in my life.. it's getting worse.. i dunno if i am being over sensitive.. but it seems so.. i dunno y it has to come to this stage... i regret being so honest... perhaps i never shud have been so straightforward... it's my bad... tot so much.. so much tt i wasnt able to sleep well.. i was kinda moody n sleepy the whole day... paulene was tired too.. so we pon half way thru fna lecture.. haha feeling guilty now.. n there's no webcast.. -.-"
i came back early to take nap.. nua for a while n tot if tt's how i wanna live my life until i can let go of everything.. then i realise no.. y not be happy n be proud tt i m sad becoz i lost someone impt to me? at least i realise how impt he is.. i hope nth drastic has changed.. but it seems a little too late now. sigh... i decided not to bury all tt has happened.. i'll frame it up.. lock it in a corner of my heart... n i simplay cant help it.. but to wish tt someone will one day find the key to open it.. perhaps it's just my wishful thinking.. i m dreaming again.. hoping for sth tt will not happen...

anyway.. i went to jog.. yea.. i managed to drag myself to the stadium n ran 2.4km.. haha.. think it's gd.. a way to destress myself.. sweat out all my sorrows.. o sad sad.. tml will be a boring day... biaoshu went for lazer... cant go rebond my hair tml.. sigh... nth to do.. i shall come for maths lecture.. n may be go swim? hehe... shall start to exercise more... keep myself busy.. so tt i cant stop myself from thinking about pple n things tt i shouldnt be thinking of so much...
i cant help it.. y do tt face keep appearing in my head?

i'm a bad bad gal..

i'm such a bitch.. i said the wrong things i think.. i made someone sad.. tt someone is down.. n i dare not tok to him.. i'm afriad tt i will make things worse.. he's down all becoz of me.. sigh... i'm a heartbreaker.. bad bad gal..

pls guys.. stay away from me.. i dun wanan hurt anyone.. i never wanted to.. let me be ice queen.. i realli wan to... i dun wan to noe.. i dun wan to feel.. nth as bad as this would have happened then.. let it go boi.. give it up..

i'm too selfish for u... all u see is my good.. i shall break away...

jus another day..

stayed up real late yesterday... chiong my ctw, discuss about ctw.. discuss about this n tt on the fone... n ended up weeping to sleep again... it wasnt tt bad somehow.. becoz i saw it coming... it's sad to face the reality... the sad truth... how nice it will be if everything happened at the right time..

it's too bad.. i dun feel enuff to risk anything.. convince me.. i need to noe how it will be like.. if u wan it to happen they way we all wish it to be.. tt's me... tt's leo... i wont allow myself to step into it until i believe tt it is worth it...

i dunno if it'd gd or bad to say out all these.. i dunno how pple will take it.. i wan it badly but i just cant have it... regrets... ya.. lots...

wad m toking about here? i'm not making any sense.. i'm just toking to myself again... i hope things change for the better... i just wan to be happy.. n i wan u to be happy too... wad do i base my decisions on? i try to find the best way out so tt u can be happy n i'll be alright with it... so tell me... wad makes u happy?

i'm a heartbreaker. i'm a bad gal. i'm as imperfect as u r.. if letting it all go, makes life better for u, n may be hence for me, i'll do it.. or perhaps we shud.. i cant commit anyway... not in sth i'm still so unsure of... it's unfair to ask u to stay... i shud leave.. i think i shud.... fine.. i will...

wad do i exactly wan?

tt's the qn ringing in my head... i wan sth i shouldnt have right now.. at least for now... i'm not sure if anything will change in future... i wished everything happened my way.. i wished i was irresponsible. i wished i was selfish.. selfish to make me myself happy... heck wad pple might say.. heck how pple will look at me.. heck the consequences... i wished i didnt noe wad i m supposed to do..

i left msn at 12 midnite... onli to find myself stoning in front of my lappie.. thinking.. or more like stoning.. becoz i m reluctant to face the fact.. reluctant to face the truth.. reluctant to accept n physco myself to do the right thing.. i chose not to think when the saddening reality appears in front of me.. y? y must it be like tt? is this how my life should be like? full of dramas... unhappy dramas..

havent been able to sleep well.. i noe wad i have to do. but i dunno wad i should do. i dunno wad i will do. i dunno if i can... have been thinking over n over again.. not my first time.. but.. wad exactly do u wan BITCH?

it's so addictive. felt so gd.. i dunno wanna let it go.. i cant bear to.. but it's happening all at the wrong time.. blame it on fate... heaven's fooling me... weijin told me to cry it out if i have to.. will i? shirley... r u tt weak? i dunno... should i just let it all out? let go.. dun appear to be so strong all the time.. cry it out.. cry it all out... perhaps i'll feel better after all tt crying..

but y? i find no tears from these cold eyes of mine.. have i cried too much? have i given up hope? i begin to lose faith on wad we all call LOVE... i dunno wad's love. i dun understand wad's love.. all i noe is wad i feel inside.. i noe when my heart is stolen.. i noe when my heart is broken.. tt's all i noe.. tt's all i m sure of.. for the right reasons or not? i'm not very sure of tt myself..

it''s so hard to be me.. it's so hard to be happy...

2 songs tt speaks off wad's in my mind..

Over
by Lindsay Lohan
album: Speak (2004)

I watched the walls around me crumble
But it's not like I won't build them up again
So here's your last chance for redemption
So take it while it lasts, cause it will end
My tears are turning into time I've wasted
Trying to find a reason for goodbye

I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreamin' bout you
Honestly, tell me that it's over
Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I'll be the first to go
Don't want to be the last to know

I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time
You're the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel, the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time I've wasted
Trying to find a reason for goodbye

I can’t live without you
Can’t breathe without you
I’m dreamin' bout you
Honestly, tell me that it’s over
Cause if the world is spinning and I’m still living
It won't be right if were not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I’ll be the first to go, yeah, I’ll be the first to go
Don’t want to be the last to know (over, over, over)

My tears are turning into time I’ve wasted
Trying to find a reason for goodbye

I can’t live without you
Can’t breathe without you
I’m dreamin' bout you
Honestly, tell me that it’s over
Cause if the world is spinning and I’m still living
It won't be right if were not in it together
Tell me that it's over
Tell me that it's over, over
Honestly tell me, honestly tell me
Don't tell me that it's over
Don't tell me that it's over

____________________________________________

Jojo
Get out

Verse 1.

I've been waitin' all day here for ya babe,
So won't ya come and sit and talk to me,
and tell me how we're gonna be together always,
hope ya know that when it's late at night,
i hold on to my pillow tight,
and think of how you promised me forever
(I never thought that anyone)
mmmm
Could make me feel this way
(Now that your here boy all I want)
Is just a chance to say

Chorus

Get out (leave), right now
It's the end of you and me
It's too late (Now), and I can't wait for you to be gone,
Cuz I know, about her (Who), and I wonder (Why),
How I bought all the lies, you said that you would treat me right but you was just a waste of time
(Waste of time)

Verse 2.

Tell me why your lookin' so confused,
When i'm the one who didn't know the truth,
How could you ever be so cold
To go behind my back and call my friend,
Boy you must have gone and bumped your head,
Because you left her number on your phone,
(So now after all that's said and done)
Maybe i'm the one to blame buuut
(To think that you could be the one)
Well it didn't work out that way

(Chorus)

Get out (Leave), right now
It's the end of you and me
It's too late (Now), and I can't wait for you to be gone,
(You to be gone)
Cuz I know, about her (Who), and I wonder (Why),
How I bought all the lies,(All the lies that you)
you said that you would treat me right but you was just a waste of time
(Waste of time)

Verse 3.

I wanted you right here with me,
But I have no choice you've gotta leave,
Because my heart is breakin', with every word im sayin',
I gave up everything I had,
On somethin' that just wouldn't last,
But I refuse to cry,
No tears will fall from these,
Eyeee-eyeee-eyeees
Ohhhh ohhhhh

GEEEEEEEEET OUT!!!!

(Chorus)
Get out (leave), right now
It's the end of you and me
It's too late (Now), and I can't wait for you to be gone,
Cuz I know, about her (Who), and I wonder (Why),
How I bought all the lies (How did I bought all those lies) , you said that you would treat me right but you was just a waste of time
(Waste of time)

(Chorus)
Get out (leave), right now
It's the end of you and me (Hey yeah)
It's too late (Now), and I can't wait for you to be gone,
Cuz I know, about her (Who), and I wonder (Why),
How I bought all the lies, you said that you would treat me right (treat me right) but you was just a waste of time
(Waste of time)
Get Out (Leave)
You and me
It's Too Late (too late)
You
bout her (who, why)
You said that you would treat me right buy you was just a waste of time

it's a sad day...

sigh... when do i mind toking about personal stuff here? right now i do.. so... let me tok about it generally... i think i made a choice.. i gotta do the right thing so for the benefit of everyone.. no doubt.. it's the right thing to do.. but can i? i realli dunno.. can i bear to? definitely not.. i m so depressed right now.. like i've lost sth very impt in my life? was it ever tt impt? was it tt deep? i'm not sure too.. sigh..

knowing wad to do n doing the right thing is completely diff case.. y issit so hard? come on shirley... u can do it.. u just gotta get over urself... physco urself! put it to a test! it will give u the answer u wan.. but how long will it take? issit worth it? can i take it? or m i too weak to go thru all tt? next week isnt gd.. i have too much time for myself.. may be i should go rebond my hair on tue.. keep myself busy.. life will be better... it will be... yes it will..

here's my new skin

have been wanting to tok about this skin for a long time.. yup.. it;s simple.. the way i wan my life to be right now.. there's been to many dramas.. too much for me to take tt i m gonna break down soon.. thankfully there r nice frens ard me to pull me up, brighten my day when i m falling.. ya.. it's white.. i have a thing for the colour lately.. anything tt's white is nice.. lol.. n the shattered glass.. very impt.. tt feels like my life.. all the pieces of me.. broken... n red.. tt red ink.. reminds me of blood.. wounds... yup...

n surprise surprise.. i dunno y suddenly so many pple r leaving comments.. n they r not even my frens.. most of them... weird weird...

i've been wearing a mask recently.. tt sucks.. i have no choice.. n i hate it.. it's realli tough.. becoz tt;s not me.. sigh...

i've been thinking quite a lot.. but i always let my heart rule over my mind.. i dunno if wad i m doing is right.. may be the pace is too quick for me.. things should slow down... let me do more research before i decide... think gal think!

blogger cocks up

sigh.. i had so much to write this morning n blogger failed me.. i had problems getting into this page... where i post so tt u my dear readers can know a tiny bit of my life..

i'm kinda lost right now.. i am not sure where my heart belongs.. my problems with chris have always been there... we cant seem to understand each other.. cant put ourselves in each other's shoes.. n.. i simply get very irritated by lil' things he say.. it's not as bad compared to wad jimmy got from me.. but... i feel lousy... i feel bad being so harsh.. too straightfoward will be a nicer to way to put it.. aka too blunt.. but i cant help it.. i dun like to wear a mask.. especially not when i'm with my bf.. since he's supposed to be the love of my life? is he? i wonder.. i seem to be avoiding him nowadays.. all the tension in this relatipnship is breaking me down.. i'm not a saint.. i'm selfish in fact... i wan the best for myself.. i dunno if it;s best for him.. but somtimes i feel tt he may be better off without me.. i'm a meanie.. i'm a bad gal.. i'm a heartbreaker.. guys.. dun come near me.. dun come too close or ur heart will shatter..

if i were to get into another relationship, perhaps i should be more careful.. get to noe the person much better first.. convinced tt we realli have sth... sth ahead of us too.. before i make my first step into the coffin of love.. yea.. coffin of love.. n be stronger.. not melt too easily.. play hard to get? wahaha...

tutorials r gonna start soon... i;ve got lots to do.. but i cant seem to get myself settled down.. discipline myself to do wad i should do first.. o no.. i havent wash toilet yet... ahh.. see.. so much to do... i need motivation... cant seem to find it from anywhere, from anyone.. i'm not a mugger.. i just need to get things donw when i have to.. n i seem to be slacking too much.. half a day has passed n i havent done much... i cant study at home in the afternoon.. my bed is just too inviting.. my lappie is too tempting.. haha..

i'm not making sense again.. am i? i dunno wad i'm toking about.. just crapping.. ahh... sianz... i'm losing control of myself again.. n tt sux... i'm a bitch.. yes i am.. but i'm not a bitch in control of herself anymore.. i'm plain weak.. plain weak right now.. who's willing to carry me? where's my angel?

it has sth to do with wad i am feeling now..

Black Eyed Peas - Don't Phunk With My Heart

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart (Yeah)
No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

I wonder if I take you home
Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)
I wonder if I take you home
Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)

Girl, you know you got me, got me
With your pistol shot me, shot me
And I'm here helplessly
In love and nothing can stop me
You can't stop me cause once I start it
Can't return me cause once you bought it
I'm coming baby, don’t got it (don’t make me wait)
So let’s be about it

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

Baby, have some trustin', trustin'
When I come in lustin', lustin'
Cause I bring you that comfort
I ain’t only here cause I want ya body
I want your mind too
Interestin’s what I find you
And I'm interested in the long haul
Come on girl (yee-haw)

(come on)

I wonder if I take you home
Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)
I wonder if I take you home
Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

Girl, you had me, once you kissed me
My love for you is not iffy
I always want you with me
I'll play Bobby and you’ll play Whitney
If you smoke, I'll smoke too
That’s how much I'm in love with you
Crazy is what crazy do
Crazy in love, I'm a crazy fool

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

Why are you so insecure
When you got passion and love her
You always claimin’ I'm a cheater
Think I'd up and go leave ya
For another señorita
You forgot that I need ya
You must’ve caught amnesia
That’s why you don’t believe

(uh, yeah, check it out)

Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
Cause you know you got me by a string, baby
Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
Cause you know you got me by a string, baby

Baby girl, you make me feel
You know you make me feel so real
I love you more than sex appeal
(Cause you’re)
That-tha, that tha, that-tha, that girl [6x]

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart [2x]
That-tha, that tha, that-tha, that girl [2x]

I wonder if I take you home
Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby) [4x]

Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
Cause you know you got me by a string, baby
Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
Cause you know you got me by a string, baby

Cai Yi Lin ( Jolin Tsai )
Album: Kan Wo 72 Bian
shuo ai ni

wo de shi jie bian de qi miao geng nan yi yan yu
huan yi wei shi cong tian er jiang de meng jing
zhi dao que ding shou de wen du lai zi ni xin li
zhe yi ke wo zhong yu yong gan shuo ai ni

yi kai shi wo zhi gu zhao kan ni
zhuang zuo bu jing yi xin que piao guo qu
huan qie xi ni mei fa xian wo duo zai jiao luo
mang zhao kuai le mang zhao gan dong
cong bi ci mo sheng dao shou hui shi wo men cong mei xiang guo
zhen ai dao xian zai bu gan qi dai

yao zheng ming zi ji
ceng bei ni xiang qi Really
wo hu si luan xiang jiu cong jin tian qi I wish
xiang yi ge xian jing
que cong wei you yu xiang xin
ni zhen de yuan yi jiu qing gei wo jing xi
guan yu ai qing guo qu mei you yi xiang de jie ju
na tian qi que dian fu le zi ji luo ji
wo de huai yi suo you da an yin ni er ming bai
zhuan a zhuan jiu zhen de yu jian Mr.right

wo de shi jie bian de qi miao geng nan yi yan yu
huan yi wei shi cong tian er jiang de meng jing
zhi dao que ding shou de wen du lai zi ni xin li
zhe yi ke ye zhong yu yong gan shuo ai ni

Liang Jing Ru ( Fish Leong )
Album: Yan Wei Die (Xia Ding Ai De Jue Xin)
Jie Shou
fang fu shang yi fen zhong
ni hai pei zai wo zuo you
hai yi wei wo men hui kai hua jie guo
wo hai ji de mei kui se tian kong
que mo hu le wo men de lian kong
hn guo de ge dao di you shen me nei rong

* fang fu yi jing zi you
xia yi ke wo bian cheng feng
chui guo ni de ling kong
cha dian shi kong
hui yi de ye li nao de hen xiong
wo xiang wo ke yi ming bai ni suo you de tong
xiang rang ni zhi dao wo dong
que dan xin yan bu you zhong

# wo men dou jie shou
yi ding shi bi ci bu gao cheng shou
zai ai qing yi fen bu liao qing zhong
cheng shi de guo le tou
bu neng tui hou
ye wu fa xiang qian zou
ai shi yi ge zi si de nian tou
ba ji mo xiao chu de li you
sheng xia de na xie gan dong
neng ji de duo jiu

Repeat * #

Wang Guang Liang ( Michael Wong )
Album: Tong Hua
Tong Hua Mandrin lyrics
wang le you duo jiu
zai mei ting dao ni
dui wo shuo ni zui ai de gu shi
wo xiang le hen jiuwo kai shi huang le
shi bu shi wo you zuo cuo le shen me

#ni ku zhao dui wo shuo
tong hua li du shi pian ren de
wo bu ke neng shi ni de wang zi
ye xu ni bu hui dong
cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou
wo de tian kong xing xing dou liang le

*wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

Repeat # and *

wo yao bian cheng tong hua li
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

wo hui bian cheng tong hua li
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he kuai le shi jie ju

yi qi xie wo men de jie ju

hee.. i just watched my mkt webcast.. 2h of crap... intro n all.. n covered like 2 pages of the notes onli.. lol.. how pathetic.. loren say tt she didnt cover much anyway.. so.. haha.. n ya.. y did i pon? paulene came back to hall realli "early".. 8 or 9am? so she was realli tired.. n i didnt bring my notes.. so ya.. gd excuses to pon..

ya i nua at shears most of the time.. after all, it;s near biz... where i am supposed to have my mkt lecture.. and wait for dear paulene to go lecture with me.. haha.. eh... the room is surprisingly small.. it's onli like half the size of my bedroom or may be smaller? ya.. but they have a real big table n sheleves.. paulene's one is super big.. weijie's one smaller since he has a window at the side.. ya.. actually i was wondering how i would decor my room if i was staying in hall.. haha.. all the weird ideas.. i'll make it real nice n comfy.. shirley's style.. if i so stay one of these days.. hehe...

serene stays in kr.. i shall go bug her one of these days.. haha.. anyway 4h of nuaing was kinda fast in shears.. all the reading n napping i had.. lol...o n chatting.. paulene says tt shears is a slacker hall.. so yup... i might wanna stay there if i ca convince my mum..

13th aug 2005 - my worst birthday ever

main activity of the day? crying.. lots n lots of crying... before i left my hse, she flared up... perhaps i was too insensitive.. i should have seen it coming. she's probably stressed up with work.. she is.. according to dad.. her complaints for the past few weeks... should have seen it coming...

have i not done enuff for the family? i'm 19 and i have to be told wad to do.. should i be ashame of it? ya perhaps so.. i admit tt i havent contributed much.. perhaps... i mug, i sleep, i eat at home.. besides being toilet manager every sunday... it seems like tt's all i've been doing... issit not enuff? may be so.. at least to mum.. i know she's tired... but i can never fully understand it until i go to work myself.. alright.. i'll do more.. i always wanted to.. just never knew where to start.. i check them out.. i'm concern.. just never been able to open my stupid gold mouth to ask wad i could help out with... tt's my fault.. perhaps i have to realli show it.. cant assume tt pple will noe.. especially not her since she dun seem to understand me at all.. we dun understand each other at all..right.. we'll start tml.. default dish washer.. sth to begin with..

wad's wrong with going out on weekends? everyone is doing it? i keep one of the days free for the family.. stay at home and be the guai guai ger.. i've never been out late.. not after 10.15pm before.. onli once when i went to catch finals of champions league.. got screwed upside down by her again.. reached home at 12 plus.. got realli screwed.. tt very one time i assumed tt she knew the match will end tt late... it's my fault.. i shouldn't have assumed.. she never watched soccer.. wad can i say? n sat was my birthday.. my special day.. she couldnt excuse me.. not even for tt day..

i tot we agreed tt i'll be back by 10 to cut the cake wthbthe family.. she didnt object at all on fri nite when i told her.. ahh.. i'm angry. i'm disappointed.. may be she didnt mean it.. but i'm still realli upset... realli wished she didnt scold me like tt before i leave the house.. my whole day was ruined... i wept on the mrt.. i was all dressed up.. pretty and happy like how a birthday gal should be.. but i cried my eyes out... they were so swollen.. my nose was so red... i was so ugly.. chris said tt thrice on tt day. how hurting...

i wasnt in the mood.. but i had to try since chris was there to celebrate it with me.. we watched wedding crasher.. n guess wad.. i think it's supposed to be a comedy? n i cried like 3 times? n perhaps i was so carried away by all tt has happened, i was insensitive to him.. i said pretty harsh things to him.. he couldnt take it.. and he walked off, left me alone crying in the middle of PS.. i dunno.. perhaps i expected too much.. i tot he will understand.. i tot he will be there to console me instead of telling me tt i have too many commitments, this n tt... he even started blabbering about our problems.. thanks man.. i am sure tt made me feel much better.. -.-" it made things so much more complicated for me.. i was wrecked.. i was realli sad.. i realise how weak i am.. i was so confused.. felt so frustrated. so terrible tt i had the idea of jumping down some building and end it all just like tt... i m serious..

well, thankfully or may be not.. chris was there for me to cry on.. at least there's someone to hold me.. if not who knows wad will happen.. went to kino to find my organiser.. didnt buy one in the end coz it's super ex! i bought the refill papers.. n yea.. guess wad.. i made one myself.. haha...

i wanted to share it badly with someone, someone mature, a gd listener.. i opened my fone.. n saw dad's msg.. so sweet.. n my instincts told me he was the one.. i probably complained too much.. got carried away.. and again, expressed myself wrongly.. chose the wrong words.. was too straightforward tt i sounded blunt.. never expected mum to read the msgs, especially not before dad did.. n ya.. she got even angrier.. left the house, didnt came back for dinner, didnt came back till 10 plus, 11.. wad's worse? i'm home becoz of her.. n she didnt wan to cut the cake with me coz she was still so angry.. sigh... how much worse can my birthday get?

shirley shirley.. u're strong.. n pls do try to cheer urself up.. i'm relieved, happy tt all my frens r so concerned.. many of them have heard about my bad day.. n sent sweet msgs to console me.. thanks dearies... u guys made me feel much better.. i know u guys care.. tt's y i love luna so much.. they're so sweet... n thanks to all my other frens who showed care n conern... love ya lots..

i love luna~!

yup yup... today's a great day... we had our outing.. n guess wad... it will not be the last this sem... hee... sob sob most of them had lectures, so they came onli later.. yimin, peisheng, weng hong, weijie n moi went to holland v first.. i had my late lunch in bk while the rest watched me.. haha.. so pai seh... den we went to essential brews.. it's a cool place... the drinks are nice.. shall bring chris n other frens there one of these days... hm... food there looks pretty expensive... but the chill out place on the 2nd floor was neat.. we crapped n played cards there... hm kinda fun... it's quite a gd place to relax after school.. or may be mug during exam period? i had scarlet er.. issit scarlet strawberry? it's like ice blended jasmine tea with my fav fruit - STRAWBERRIES!!! the red, romantic, kinky fruit... haha... has this nice strong unique taste of jasmine tt i like a lot, enhanced with the sour of the strawberries... yea-ness.. yum yum...

yimin's realli cute.. she's using her fone to pass secret msgs to everyone except me the whole entire day.. kinda obvious right, gal? haha.. or was i too sensitive? lol... ya when the rest came, weijie came back with a chocolate cake.. it's pretty nice.. has this distinct taste.. issit peanut butter or sth? ah i dunno.. but i like it.. it tastes realli sinful... muahaha... all the cream.. wahaha.. i think i am gonna grow fat! we celebrated for the august babies... me, shan bin, weng hong n weixiang even though his has passed.. yup... hee thanks luna... love ya lots!!

unfortunately, i had to leave early.. since i'll be out the whole day tml.. must be guai guai.. n i was hoping i can have my 2nd celebration with my family tonite so tt nth will clash tml.. mum couldnt fetch me since lil bro had to buy sch u... stanley wasnt ard... so i guess tt's y we didnt go to suki.. settled dinner in serangoon gardens instead... hm... wasnt expecting much i guess.. feel tt as i grow older, the celebration itself becomes less impt... wad's most impt, is tt my love ones are there with me.. i'm just happy n contented tt luna, chris, my family and other frens are there for me.. yea...

looking forward to tml... it's gonna be a busy busy day!!!

maths day even though i ponned sch..

sigh.. no choice.. gotta discipline myself.. sit down n watch web cast... to my horror, n i must have scared seth with my sms, the web cast was on chapter 2! differentiation... which means.. everything from complex roots to er... i dunno wad's part 3 of lecture 1, are all self taught?!!! $#@@#$$#%

there isnt webcast for lecture 1 part 2 n 3 tt i noe of.. so i gotta go thru tt chunk by myself.. sigh... spent my day scaring myself with maths... the pile of notes... n funny numbers n phrases tt failed to register into my brain.. it's just too rusty... even if it goes in, it comes out when the next formula comes in.. ahhhh... stress~! why must they make life so difficult for us? self learning n its advantages... bla bla... for goodness sake~! gimme my webcast n i'll shut up.. i can stay at home n pon all lectures.... which will probably make ur life easier... ya.. n y do i choose to go to sch? to socialise n see my dear frens.. whom i hope our bond to strengthen or else i'll have nth to look forward to... sch will be very sad.. like in pri 3...

ya.. i am weak at this time of the month.. felt my brain swelling up.. so i stopped n went to relax myself.. spot the Love Actually VCD on my bro's table.. so i decided to watch it.. sob sob.. no unhealthy tibits at home at all.. opened the fridge n there were onli breakfast bars, corn flakes, biscuits... n... OATS!! lol... ah... i found TIME OUT! yippee.. dunno whose.. just "stole it".. muahaha... indulge in my chocolate n watched the movie.. shiok!

n i was so tired.. i couldnt bring myself to the stadium for a jog.. n yes.. i failed again... took a nap instead... haha.. i am realli pigging~!

perhaps it;s the lack of exercise.. i'm so weak nowadays... suffered from a terrible headache when i woke up... sigh...

tml's fri! luna outing... so sad.. schs starting.. everyone's so busy... so looking forward to it... i wanan relax n have fun the next few days... coz sat is my special day!!! 13TH AUGUST!!! yea-ness... sat fully booked seah... n mon lunch time.. hehe.. fri.. should i go home early tml? dun feel like it lei... how? how?

my 2nd post for today

suddenly, i just felt like looking for some meaningful quotations.. for myself n u guys who read to enjoy.. n yes, they r pretty close to my heart..

Love is giving someone a chance to destroy you and trusting them not to.

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."

"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great." - comte debussy-rabutin

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

All love that has not friendship for its base,is like a mansion built upon the sand. ~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

A goodbye isn't painful unless you're never going to say hello again.

Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too.

Within you I lose myself...

Without you I find myself

Wanting to be lost again.

title-less

yes titleless... i dunno wad to name it.. it has become quite a chore to do so.. another boring day... i agree with loren... spent at least 2h of traveling time to and fro nus just for 2h of phy lecture... n the lecturer realli crapped... he sorta started teaching onli in the last say 15min? ahh waste my time.. o i met mesiang today! wahaha... miss her so much... o n the rest of the 5 MUSKETEERS.. hehe.. we've known each other for like so long... all the way since pri 5... my o my... siang was so formally dressed tt i couldnt recognised her.. tot she was like one of nus's staff.. lol.. haha... n weijin and me were late for phy lecture... couldnt squeeze up the buses.. lol.. so we decided to take A1 instead of C in the end. n we had to walk to the other end of engin fac.. lol.. tiring.. i think i'll slim down soon... may be by end of this sem.. haha.. so much walking to do... nus is full of stairs.. haha.. gd work out.. can keep fit.. hee..

i like to talk about yesterday nite.. i chat with 3 diff guys... hm.. somehow i dunno y it happened n how it happened... was so busy.. haha... first was chris... n yes we quarreled again... i dunno wad to say... he just cant accept me, my opinion n my principles... sigh... is he not the one? chat with weijin during lecture today... n ya... we both agree tt it's mental torment having to go thru all tt quarrels all day long.. when u're so busy, so occupied, all these are downgraded to a waste of time.. xinglong told me to give n take... but how much to give? how much to take? wad's too much? wad's not enuff? it's vague. it;s hard to judge. n it's objective.. one impt thing: when u give, the person may not catch it... sigh... tt's love.. tt's life.. all so complicated... y? y? tell me y?

wad's with skirts? y do gals have to wear skirts? so wad if u think i look better in skirts? must i wear it with u when i meet up with ya just becoz u ask me to? tt's not me? i'm shirley, bitch in total control of herself.. haha.. i dun like n try my very best not to let anyone run my life. i decide wad's best for myself. i like to listen to pple.. diff opinion, suggestions, advices... etc.. but i filter them.. i heed when i agree with ya.. when my beliefs agree with urs... i dun function like a photocopying machine... n i hate pple ordering me to do this n tt, especially when it concerns my life.. ya be concern.. be caring... but dun dictate my life..

did i lose track? ah nvm.. i'm not making sense again..

den it was weijie.. ya poor guy.. locked out of his room... bad day he had.. n so was mine ruined... somehow i didnt talk about myself this time... even though i was sad n frustrated.. i didnt realli pretend.. i just kept it to myself.. becoz he already has enuff to think thru.. i think i managed to be a gd listener... tt's wad guy frens need.. yea... tried to keep him company until dad came down to make noise... i hope he felt better after talking it out..

den i went online n xinglong asked for a chat on the fone coz he was bored? ya... my buddy... coming to 5 years of frenship... made use of my free incoming call line... muahaha... i complained to him.. not as much as before.. not as detailed as before... he's right.. i didnt.. i restrained myself from going into the details becoz they knew each other.. just dun feel right... he told me tt i have changed... he claimed tt i'm not as carefree as before... not so sa3 tuo1... i'm too draggy? am i? perhaps he's right. i've grown older. i;ve experienced more, seen more, heard more.. matured... n things just gets more complicated.. life becomes uglier when u get a better picture of it.. sometimes i just wished tt i am tt inoocent lil' gal.. who's too innocent to understand all tt.. may be then, i will have less worries...

weird weird.. no one called tonite...

1st day of sch = sad + bore

sigh... 1st day of sch wasnt too good for me... sigh... i had at least a fren with me most of the time.. but somehow i felt lonely.. it's not as enjoyable as in jc.. where u have cliques of ur own who can go everywhere with ya.. uni is so much more individual... n i dun like it.. i'm a leo... i like pple..

or may be it's becoz of the lack of sleep.. i havent been able to focus well.. felt letargic all day.. sad.. sianz... bored to death... 5h of nuaing... frst of all, ctw was a waste of my time.. i shoudlnt have come for the lecture.. gosh.. i dun think i learnt anything from it at all.. n becoz of tt, i gotta nua for 5h... n wait for 2pm to come so tt i can attend my fna lecture...

well, i spent 1h in students lounge over at yih with yimin, seth n pengsiang.. haha.. oengsiang have lecture at 6pm! lucky him.. he stays near by so he can go back home.. o how i wiashed i could stay in hall.. den i can go back to get some sleep... o n yimin.. wa her hair's reali short.. but cool~! haha... no more xiao mei mei... lol... anyway ya.. i didnt do anythign there.. i stoned..

wanted to go swim... but it rained... so i tot of using internet.. went to central lib with pengsiang... n guess wad.. all comps taken up.. my god.. i think they r just gonna camp there.. so we went to tt red discussion room to nua again.. i tried to read the godfather.. but i think i feel asleep? peng siang too since he has nth else to do... how boring eh? i was counting down... hoping tt paulene will come asap.. company.. sth else to do... coz i am gonna meet her for lunch..

went to sch of business at 12.. waited for paulene n her seniors to come for 30min.. sigh... had laksa yong tau fu.. god.. the laksa is a little like curry.. haha... i dunno wad la.. n later, we walked ard... found out LT.. n there were quite a lot of happening pple outside... not like engin... i mean their dressing n hair... engin's like t shirt n jeans... FULL STOP... yup...

o i met someone new.. paulene's hall mate? david.. yup... haha he's quite a funny guy... not bad.. mreo company for fna lecture.. n i dunno how paulene started introducing herself.. she was chatting away with this pretty cute guy when i noticed... haha... was his name games or james? ah nvm... but ya.. guess wad.. he's from engin~! how come chem engin dont have guys like him? he look more like a biz or fass student.. ya..

tt's about all for my 1st day in school... dunno wad to say.. it's just plain boring... sigh...

tml's 1st day of school!

hm.. i think i am excited.. but then again, i got 5h of free time!! wad am i gonna do man? sigh... boring.. asked suwen, n she's not free tml.. paulene has driving..n weijie.. er... he's a guy after all.. n he has lecture at 12? too paiseh to ask him to accompany me again.. so i am all alone tml.. nua for 5h.. somewhere.. somewhere in nus.. sleep, internet, read, do tutorials.. ah i dunno...

let's hope tt paulene comes back early n i can bug her to accompany me.. may be i can go to shears hall n take a look at her room.. hee.. *keep my fingers crossed*

n ya.. i went out with chris today.. it's not tt bad.. we didnt quarrel.. n i'm glad.. even though he did make me angry for a while.. sigh... sch's gonna start... dun think we can meet tt often.. anyway, i just hope tt things can stay the way they r.. peacefully like right now... i dun wan another quarrel.. headache headache...

sigh...

lonely...
i'm mr lonely...
i have nobody...
for my own...

seems to be getting better after all..

came back from o week at about 10pm just now.. boring man... i mena my class is not bad.. there's arwind, the fwc pageant king, my dance partner seth.. n the rest were pretty enthu i guess.. it;s just the way the whole thing was ran.. i mean compared to fwc, this is definitely like a pea.. not fun at all.. n bbq on the 1st night? not tt we dun appreaciate.. but wth? wad makes u think tt we will hang out with our new classmates than our og mates whom we know so much better? haha i love luna.. obviously i clique with luna.. but i did try to tok to a few of them.. so not bad la..

ok main part of this post comes.. just yesterday, i talked to weijie... n he was telling me tt chris n i looked ok at the bus stop.. yea we sure did.. after all, we agreed to give the relationship another chance and i am trying my best to show chris tt i am also doing my part.. who wans to let go of a 10 mths relationship just like tt? it's tough.. realli... i am definitely not a hearltess gal.. i dun wanan break anyone's heart... call me selfish.. but i cant and i wont let anything affect my studies.. NO NO~! especially when sch starts, such problems n ever going quarrels thru fone are just redundant to me.. if we have to quarrel during every fone chat, den i rather not tok at all.. it's such a waste of time~! especially when both of us love to argue our way out... it's just never ending..

i still love him.. may be not as much.. after all tt has happened.. i even tot tt i hate him more than i loved him sometimes.. he threathened to commit suicide.. wad can i say? wad kinda guy would do tt seriously? gal, will u marry or wanna be with such a guy? ya.. it's in fairytales.. o so touching.. he loves her more than his own life.. but hello? we're in the real world here... tt act or tt idea simply tells me tt u r weak. n if u r so, how can i depend on u? not tt i will do so all the time.. i am independent.. but after all, i';m still a gal ya noe.. strong n cold outside, but a lil gal inside just like weijie described, btw, did i mention how pro weijie is? he seem to noe me inside out.. he sees the other side of me tt most pple cant or take ages to see... tt's y we clique i guess..

ok side track liao.. anyway ya... y did we look ok? becoz we r both trying.. i am trying very very hard...tried to show tt i realli care, realli concern.. bla bla.. just made it a bit more bovious now.. partially it;s fake becoz i dun normally say out such stuff.. but o well.. he's just like most guys.. not sensitive enuff.. i;ve got too much to settle on my own.. n boi.. i wished i could stay in hall.. the feeling of waiting for the bus to harbour front alone just now, late at night, wasnt realli good... hall will be great... so much nearer.. so many frens... ahh i hate to be alone most of the time.. mummy... I WANNA STAY IN HALL~!

o well... guess wad.. everyone;s bidding for the SS i wanted suddenly.. few pple did in round 2a.. i was too indecisive.. perhpas i shall try my luck.. we'll see how tml.. if i cant get it, den too bad,, i still have 2 sartors anyway...

another new one

wahaha..i guess this looks better... gothic.. but not so bloody? oo gonna go for movie.. bye~!

new blog skin

o man... i am so fickle nowadays... now i feel tt my blog skin is a bit too red n bloody? bloody.. haha.. tt's how wei xiang described it... lol... but i cant find one tt fits my mood yet... so.. mai hiam bei pai la..

o.. i just added links to a few photo albums.. hm kayaking tt we went yesterday, chalet... fwc one coming up soon.. too mnay pics.. too mnay captions to change.. o ya.. yesterday's kayaking was kinda pathetic.. i mena the no of pple who came.. there was seth, yimin, peng siang, guideng, weijie n me... onli~! seth n peng siang joined us onli later.. after our buffet at suki~! yum yum~!

i think i ate a lot of sashimi man... o n oysters~! hehehe.. :)~ u noe.. i still think we should eat the raw one first before the cooked ones? if not will get stomach ache lei.. raw ones r like salads? eat them with warm japanese green tea.. wa... shiok.. i'm in heaven~! o suki chef was so kiam siap.. the 3 slices of tako was soooo thin~! hm.. guideng liked it too.. haha chewy~! ok so it was our first time eating jap buffet together.. not much muo qi huh.. weijie ordered so much tepanyaki.. the table was so full with sushis, sashimi, oysters etc.. n yimin tot tt salmon skin was soft shell crab.. wahaha.. so blur... o ya she;s realli the blur queen yesterday.. she's well known for her lame cold jokes.. but somehow she couldnt catch ours yesterday... damn wols... haha.. we had a gd stomach work out becoz of her while eating... dun need to worry about getting fat already.. n somehow her coordination of her mouth n hands werent very gd.. she kept dropping food.. once on weijie's foot~! lol.. n she used up all the serveits (how do u spell man?) ha..

we met a lot of nus students doing flag yesterday... they were everywhere in bright yellow.. n we spot paulene~! wa i havent seen her since sec sch.. onli chatted online.. my gosh.. i couldnt recognise her.. neither could she recognise me.. hahaha... she had dyed hair.. blonde streaks.. n wearing this cute brown hat.. lol.. sorry but i think she puffed up a little since sec sch.. lol.. ooo she's gonna be my sartors lecture mate~! yea.. finally found company~!

yup.. later we went to ecp, leaving weijie n his uni frens.. i was tired.. not in the mood to kayak.. so i volunteered to take care of their belongings while they carried on with their wet fun.. took a few photos for them.. haha.. they seemed to enjoy a lot.. ooo weijie was realli sweet.. or may be he was bored like me? haha.. he came to look for me after a while.. yea.. guess he was realli tired.. he actually slept on the stone chair. n i was reading my "the godfather".. o man.. i still cant finish it... o did i mention tt there were many mosquitoes? i got 6 bites all over... weijie got 6 onli on his.. erm.. was it arms or legs? lol.. mine grew realli big becoz i was busy scratching.. haha.. cant help it... so disgusting~!

hm... think i'll try kayaking again next time.. when i am fit n well..

a few of my frens have been asking me about my msn nick.. hm.. ya i have to agree with weijie.. the nick says it all.. y do we put up suck nicks? becoz we want attention. we wan others to probe even though we may not wanna tell it all.. we want to know tt there r pple who care for us.. it's a subconcious thing for me.. just like blogging... my blog is a channel for me to tok about anything i wan, to pour out my feelings, my inner thoughts.. knowing tt others may be reading, i might have said things i wan them to noe but wouldnt say it out face to face? or i may not be bothered about wad others might say.. i just whack~! it;s my blog after all... am i side tracking? i am toking nonsense.. making any sense at all? i dunno.. haha... waiting for time to come.. den i can go watch charlie n the chocolate factory~! yeaness~!