My only love comes from my only hate

i woke up realli realli early today.. 7! tt's very early for a holiday bummer like me... i was hoping tt dear will wake up early so we can head to ecp to spend some lovey dovey fun time together before i go for coaching..

i had to becoz coach was asking y we were disappearing.... no choice. he's definitely more impt than softball at this point of my life. cheryl asked me just now during training, "do u have a passion for softball?" i replied, "yes of coz" as usual, but with my most assuring and confident tone tt i could reply with. y so? becoz i was unsure to be honest.. softball is no longer my life like my sec n jc school days. someone has taken over it. yes, tt's my dear. issit too early to commit so much into such a relationship, my mum has ever asked me. now i am asking myself too.. it's been ringing in my head... on and on again.. perhaps so.. after all, i realli realli love him a lot.. i noe how much i love softball. i definitely have a passion for softball. but it's no longer the most impt thing in my life. tt's y i was unsure...

anyway, i was kinda disappointed when he didnt wake up until i called him for god knows how many times... it was about 11 then.. definitely too late to go ecp. training's at 2pm.. no ecp, no kfc lunch with him. sad. sad. sad.

i was at the comp n he started asking me about soccer odds n so. i got irritated becoz i felt tt it was meaningless to me since i wasnt gonna place my bet, n he promised not to bet anymore. wad's the point of discussing and getting so interested about it when u;re not gonna bet? i just dun understand... it started from there i think.. n we just quarreled.. up to a certain point, where we were trying to say hurtful words to each other so tt we can make each other feel the pain we're feeling. we were angry at each other. he was irritated by my rattling about how incompatible we are, tt we arent wad each other is looking for n how wrongly we stared our relationship.. he raised his voiced. he was basically screaming. my heart cracked with every word coming from him. i cried terribly. i was so confused, so sad, so frustrated, so stress tt i couldnt handle it anymore. i tried to run away.. gave up finally and told him tt we should be frens instead. i would say thankfully, he had more faith in the relationship than i have. there was this silence before he started toning down n tried to console me with tt gentle comfoting voice of his. we talked and we finally decided tt betting will no longer be a part of our conversation from then on. it was onli then tt we mangaed to sort of patched things up.

he is actually right. i am self centered to a large extent. i am domineering. i am determined to get wad i wan yet stubborn. i wan everything to go my way becoz i feel tt they r always right. am i stepping into my mom's footsteps? perhaps so... i went a bit too far? perhaps i should just respect his views a little more. let him do his thing, have his way... i gave up convincing him to stop betting.. it;s too tiring and painful.. unfortunately, i dun have the patience to continue this after about half a year.. i am not a very gd gf... i am not the girly kinda gal... i;m not the ready to die for u no matter wad kinda gal. i wont allow him to hit me. i wont allow him to tell me to do things tt i dun wan to do. tt's me. quite a bitch perhaps. i hate MCP. but perhaps i am a FCP? lol... anyone reading my blog? comments pls?