my greatest fear....

i met my greatest fear.. finally.. 3rd day of sch.. yesh.. i tot it;s almost over.. but.. everything crumbled.. when i saw tt pair of eyes.. tt was all i could see from my place.. but it was enuff.. those familiar eyes i used to look into so deeply.. the eyes i fell for.. sth tt was my everything... WAS.. yes WAS... i tot it's over.. but i felt weird when i saw those eyes.. tt stare i caught.. the feelings is just undescribable.. i wasnt the usual me.. i wasnt brave enuff to look back.. to look straight at those eyes... they were telling me sth.. i noe so.. but i dun dare to assume... i didnt dare to face them.. i was a coward...

it's a tiring day.. 6h lectures of nonsense.. so draining.. may be i am falling sick.. have i lost my tan or am i getting sick? i looked so pale in the mirror.. feeling uncomfortbale these days... may be i have overworked myself.. all the late nights killin me slowly.. perhaps.. am i in love? y am i not pretty then? i look atrocious.. sth must be done... getting headaches, moody, crazy etc etc...

it's been raining for the past few days.. today is exceptionally cold.. flv ended surprisingly early.. everyone was busy.. i walked alone to the bus stop.. saw someone i didnt expect to see, dunno how to face her too.. thank god i had a cap on, may be she cant recognise me.. board bus c.. went to EA to take 188 to harbour front.. as usual, it took ages to come.. it was pouring.. the cold merciless wind was blowing at me.. chills went thru my body.. i felt so weak then.. i couldnt control my tots n emotions.. it's like some mtv.. the lead actress thinking about tt sad memory.. the sweet old times... in the rain.. dramatic it is... those pair of eyes kept flashing back n forth in my mind.. i was trying to analyse everything.. wad exactly was tt feeling? dun think it's pure sadness.. no urge to cry.. dun think it;s love.. even though my heart beat so fast.. i was probably just afraid..

my ahmad came to mind.. but it didnt help.. wish he was here.. may be he could help me.. felt so weak.. i pretended tt everything was alright.. i tried to smile as usual n be high n crazy like before... may be it;s just me.. i dun like to show this faggot side of me to pple.. tot thru so much at the bus stop.. so afraid tt i am leading ahmad to the wrong way.. blessed to have u ard me now.. i realli appreciate it.. just afraid tt i;ll hurt u.. u;re realli nice.. n u dun deserve it.. hm.. does tt show tt i care? m i ready? or m i just another heartbreaker? iss tt my retribution?

the walk home from mrt was exceptionally long.. the wind was so strong.. so cold.. it was worse the genting.. i wished i could teleport straight home.. ah... was hoping tt a cup of hot ginger tea will pop out of nowhere... ha.. yes seth.. i noe... i'm usualyy bored.. not lonely.. but for tt moment, it was different.. think i am sad.. it;s a shame.. it's a pity... coz i realli believe tt we were sth.. tt it will last a long long time... i felt the loneliness.. the helplessness... i wished the wind could just blow me away...

so many questions in my head... i noe i cant find answers straight away.. may be time will tell... i wanna get over everything.. let me believe in love again... let me be able to trust guys again... let me move on... i noe there's already someone waiting for me... so sorry.. i have to make u wait..

confused....