this week is chalet week

yup yup.. mon to wed luna chalet... n i just came back from family chalet to celebrate granny's birthday... hee :P i still enjoy company of my new uni frens more.. i guess it;s becoz of our age.. more crazy fun and sleep checks? lol... family chalet wasnt too bad but u noe.. all the adults.. parents = restrictions.. sigh.. i played mahjong most of the time.. hm... and time seem to pass realli fast...for both chalets...

we quarreled again this afternoon.. was playing mahjong.. he called. and i lost focus, lost 10 bucks on one hand.. damn.. i wasnt angry at him at all.. jokingly, i complained.. n he took it seriously.. in the very beginning, his tone was so hostile already... he pissed me off again.. n everyone was looking at me.. since i cant multi task especially when he's complaining for no gd reasons, i hanged up.
felt tt there's no pt arguing with him.. i'm just gonna irritate myself again.. so.. once again.. breaking up comes to my mind again.. it's been appearing in my head far too often.. not healthy for out relatipnship.. but i cant help it.. i've been balming him all the while.. but perhaps it might just be me... i jumped into the relationship too fast, too early.. i have the responsibility if it fails too.. may be i am too straight forward for him.. i dunno la... feels like we cant realli tok, not compatible as he once said...

den at nite, he called.. i tried my very best to calm down n discuss about us peacefully.. yes we did.. he's trying his best to compomise.. i can see tt.. i told him my stand.. it's very firm.. weijie is right.. i noe very well wad i wan.. if he cant give it to me, den let's not waste time.. i tried.. but it's affecting me way too much.. school's gonna start soon.. i'm not gonna let those long hours arguments over the fone happen.. i dun have time for tt nonsense.. it;s just ridiculous.. u see.. i;m so tired of it.. so stressed up.. i am strong at the outside yet soft in the inside... cant take all these alone like tt... i just felt like breaking down sometimes.. let go it all.. and feel no more pain... we worked it out somehow... may be meeting tml.. funny... i;m not realli looking forwrda to it.. perhaps we've quarrled so much.. i'm losing it..

anyway, we just celebrated granny's birthday.. the exact date is on mon 1st aug... she has aged so much... yet i can still see her beauty.. she was constantly smiling... must have felt blessed with so many love ones, children n grandchildren by her side... when she wished before she blew the candle, i noticed tears in her eyes... i felt for her. i wondered y.. i felt sadness.. like wad mum said in the car back home.. think granny knows her health.. it;s deteoriating.. i am worried for her... or perhaps she's touched tt we're all there to cleberate tt special day for her.. hm... the feeling i got when i saw tt look on her face was undescribable.. sigh... i hope she stays healthy..

so much going on... so much to do.. gd news.. i got both sartors tt i bid for. acc n mkt.. n yea.. paulene takign with me.. even though she;s in biz, at least we have soemone we know... great man.. i hope we can go for same tutorial too.. den mkt project wont be a prob.. sch is starting soon.. shall make use of the time to have more craxy fun or nua at home.. yea...

i'm stuck in a shit hole

ok damn.. wtf... i just quarreled with him.. he always spoil our conversation... he's always picking on me.. he was telling me about xiaxue n her blog... so ya.. i was listening.. i didnt comment.. since he has so much to say.. n he claims tt i am not interested and tt our conversation is always one sided... hello.. how many of u have experienced tt when u tok to me? my mum even say tt i am not a gd listener becoz i like to comment, criticise and differ... sigh.. it;s so hard to tok to him nowadays.. wad's wrong man? until now, he still dun understand me well.. i was just trying to be considerate here.. i wan to be a good listening ear.. sigh... was i wrong to not interupt him?

n he's forever praising other gals and telling me tt i should be like them.. wth.. i am shirley. i am unique becoz i am me.. love me for who i am. if u dun, if u cant accept me for who i am, den shut up and fuck off~! stop telling me to cut tt stupid dolly hair style.. i dun look cute. i am not the innocent type.. n if u wan me to dress like some ah lian, dye my hair red or blond like those cmi drop outs, forget it man... it's as gd as teaching pigs how to fly... not tt i look down on the sch leavers.. just tt i agree with my mum tt u dun look very decent and u cant find a gd job with striking dyed hair.. i'm ME~! I'm just ME~!

y? i took all ur complaints about how i look. bad pts of things i do for u or buy or make for u.. cant u take my critics? felt bad, felt disappointed when i say tt u look the same whether u gel ur hair or not? wad bout u complaining tt i dun look gd with my centre parting rebonded hair? n u were the one who pestered me to rebond my hair~! u noe.. u dun appreciate me for who i am.. u just keep picking on me... if i am not who u wish for, fo look for someone else n stop asking me to change..

betting is a sin for goodness sake. how mnay times must i repeat it.. y do i keep telling u tt i will break up with u, leave u for gd if u ever bet again? am i tt heartless? does the relationship mean anything to me at all? y can i give it up just like tt? it's simple... isnt it? ask urself... perhaps u cant see the light yet... becoz all u r dreaming of is winning a million dollars bet right? i swear i noe i will cry blood instead of tears if i ever leave u.. i swear my heart will shatter and it will take a long time to heal.. but it's all for ur sake.. ur own good.. y am i so persistent? sigh.. i dunno wad to say...

sometimes u make me doubt myself and the relationship... i lose faith becoz of u.. see.. u;re affecting me again.. this cant go on... especially not when uni start.. i will not let my studies suffer.. so we better get this right once n for all.. i must have been blinded to step into this shit hole.. wad have i gotten myself into?

looking forward to tml's bbq~!

hee.. it rained just now.. i hope tt's a gd sign.. coz it means tml there wont be any rain... hehe... keep my fingers crossed... yea.. i'm so excited.. love chalets.. can bbq n chit chat.. eat lots of sinful food... play mahjong n bridge n daidee throughout the night.. lol... i'm still considering if i should bring my ugly specs.. lol.. no they r not ugly.. just tt i look extra nerdy n hence ugly with the specs on... haha..

n ya... i bought a lot of stuff yesterday.. went orchard with dear.. hee.. shop till i drop.. pocket's a little tight now.. i spent hm... 70 bucks yesterday.. bought 2 bikinis at sheer romance.. hehe.. my first bikini.. sexy white.. but it's a halter.. so it has a rather sporty look on me.. and the other is erm.. generally pink.. a diff look i guess.. hee.. i likt the texture though.. a little glossy kind.. yup yup.. shall motivate myself to lose tt few inches off my waist.. hm.. i guess i am not tt fat after all.. but my broad shoulders n rib cage makes me look big.. so hm..i dunno... must lose tt extra inches man... not sure if i dare wear it out to swim though.. feel so bare~! muahaha... o and i bought this blue metallic belt.. looks cool... hm.. y blue? coz dear say it's nice.. so hee..

o n dear gave me a bag yesterday.. yea.. a big big one.. so i can put all my studd inside.. it;s realli deep.. n yesh it';s blue.. same colour as my wallet... baby blue.. it's a real sweet colour.. but it's realli plain.. especially when it;s so wide n big.. i mean it looks like one big piece of i dunno wad on me.. i am gonna add stuff to it.. make it mine.. shirley's style... anyone any gd suggestions? shall walk ard a bit more.. hunt for ideas... yup yup... ok i shall go online n look for ideas now... chao~!

2nd LUNA outing yesterday- ecp

yup.. i'm alone at home with my bro.. havent had breakfast nor lunch.. since i hev so much time for myself today, i shall first continue my story about fwc, before i tok about our 2nd outing..

where was i? hm.. the dance... yup... our skit was not bad... applause for chang-er aka kah sin pls... he's realli very confident about himself.. i dunno if he;s crazy or he just doesn't bother about how others look at him.. he's so funny up on the stage.. so onz.. if it's me, i'll be stunned up there... admire seah... and commando act gu niang... wa... *clap clap.. 3 cheers for the LUNA guys

we were pretty disappointment with the results of the competitions.. not tt i am bragging.. i'm not arrogant.. but i felt tt LUNA had a great chance in winning the dance one.. at least we remembered our steps.. i tot tt alone was gd enuff... all our grps forgot theirs.. why? why like tt? anyway, the outcome isnt tt important becoz i'm sure seth and i had much fun during the dance... sp nite ended with the same mass dance.. this time, twice.. first with felix. 2nd with yimin's SP.. i think he was the pageant king.. could see tt felix was as enthu as usual... i didnt noe my steps as well without seth... but it went well becoz everyone was dancing ard us.. haha can peep~! then, we took grp photos and went back to our rooms to change..

i stayed up all nite.. all the way till next morning... after sp nite, we went to 7 eleven.. bought tibits n drinks... chatted outside 7 eleven since we dunno where else to go.. perhaps i drank with an empty stomach.. threw out all tt drank.. omg.. so maluating... tt has never happened to me.. it was just a breezer~! have some phobia already... lol.. next time take carlsberg.. hehe.. but ya.. once again, i felt like a princess.. haha... when i came back from cleaning up in the toilet, everyone started asking me if i was ok... lol.. thanks to all seniors, especially weng hong, weijie, val n sheena.. so much concern.. hee.. =p

then, somehow we stopped by the road, sat in a circle n started chatting away... this time, i got to know weijie a lot better.. basically, i was chatting with him onli.. haha... i guess we're both sportsman.. so i guess we have pretty much the same opinion of many things in life.. cool.. i enjoyed chatting with him.. haha.. the conversation was almost never ending... feel tt he's a sensitive, caring person.. like an elder bro... great...

i guess many pple were getting tired so we headed back to our rooms.. some of us went to the guy's room to continue playing cards.. it was then, loren made his name.. lol... dun quite understand y he like to make things so complicated.. a game of bridge with him was almost like bluff.. he certainly gave us a gs work out for our stomach... all the laughings went on for hours.. all the while till 9 or 10am? which was then, i went back to my room, washed up and packed our things, ready to leave sentosa...

all the fun didnt end for LUNA just like tt... we wentto harbour front for dim sum buffet... the guys ordered so much, we had a hard time finishing up the food.. cant believe steven could eat SOOOO much~! omg.. i felt like puking then.. haha...

ever since then, my holiday has been realli busy.. we chatted on msn... hm.. record was 13 participants.. for me, "earliest" was till 3am.. ha... n yup... tt brings me to our 2nd outing... i guess not many pple play mahjong so the turn out for out first outing - mahjong session at val's place wasnt tt good.. so seth n zhiquan was suggesting to have an outdoor outing.. so we did...

we were supposed to meet up at erm.. 1pm? but ya.. as the seniors have expected... the 1h rule was passed on... becoz of the rain, we met up realli late.. i was early.. so i met up with weijie for lunch.. hm.. he introduced me to the DIY ramen.. it wasnt so much of DIY after all coz the waitress helped us mixed the ingredients.. it;s not bad..but the sesame paste made the ramen so sticky tt i did have quite a hard time biting them.. o how can i forget about the xiao long tang bao~! it's very nice~! i think better than ting tai feng's~! wa shiok seah~!okie relax shirley... omg... thinking about it alone makes me salivate.. hahaha..

anyway by the time, we all gathered at ecp mac it was 3.30pm? while we waited val to finidh her lunch, we played card games again.. illegal gambling den.. lol.. 4 decks for 4 grps.. haha... it was getting pretty late then... i think it was about 4pm when we decided to cycle... most of them were pretty slow... i prefer to cycle fast.. so tt u can feel all the wind brushing past ur face, running thru every strand of ur hair.. so refreshing~! o ya... did i mention tt poor weijin was stuck at home? heard sth like his mom took his keys so he cant get out of the house.. haha.. poor guy... but it sounded pretty silly... keke..

hm.. shan bin n hong bee couldnt cycle... so we got 2 doubles.. macho guideng n weijie volunteered to take the 2 mei nu... ai ya.. see la.. weijin... y u never come? no free rides for me.. kekeke... we returned the bikes 2 h later and played volleyball while steven n weijie taught the 2 gals how to cycle... it was quite fun.. haha.. even though my arms got realli red after it...

we went to macs again for dinner.. i had to leave becoz of my mum again... sigh.. was so pai seh becoz we were waiting for da sao to come.. ya seth's gf... haha.. i didnt speak up until around 8.30pm... mum;s gonna kill me.. haha.. i asked yimin to walk me out becoz i am a road direction idiot... haha... and as usual, the gentlemen LUNA guy, weijie actually, volunteered to walk us out to the bus stop..

i felt stupid when i reached home becoz my parents left for the wake.. i was so envious tt eveyone was still having fun in ecp... so i called weijie.. free incoming call... haha... talked to almost everyone.. i think i was disturbing them.. haha...

o well... i'm looking forward to our next gathering... but i think it;ll be the chalet on next mon... yup... cant wait to win back my 50 cents.... lol.. just kidding...

i LoVe FwC~!

yup yup... i was back from my 4 days camp yesterday afternoon actually.. wa so shag tt i went to sleep right after reaching home... have been pretty busy since yesterday.. now tt almost everyone's offline, i finally found the time to blog about my fantastic 4 days.. it realli spiced up things coz my holiday has been pretty routine like.. and i like making new frens... my og mates r realli nice pple..

okie.. 1st day:
we were all blur and new to the cold dull building of engin fac.. met hong bee at one of the lifts... so coincident.. as we walked to LT6 where we were supposed to meet up, we chatted and found out that we were both from LUNA.. yes LUNA... tt's my og name.. the moon... the power of moon~! it's a pleasant surprise... had this feeling tt camp will be realli fun and exciting.. we were probably quite early.. all the seniors were like staring at us when we reach LT6.. haha.. and surprisingly, some of them whom i've met in engin open house remembered me.. haha.. was it becoz i look like a malay? we got our goodie bags and went in to meet our dear OGLs...
Steven made an impression.. he was realli frenly... introducing everyone to us.. and i didnt realise kelvin and alvin were OGLs until the seniors told us becoz they looked young and quite small for the age.. oopz sorry... i was sitting beside weijin... it;s not quite my habit to start a chat with a guy.. so we were realli quiet while the rest mingled..
to my surprise, there were onli 4 gals in the og..3 before shan bin joined us.. i tot chem engin was called a female engin course becoz there were mroe gals than guys... but i guess we took it positively.. the gals were bonded from that very first time we met... yimin's from vj too.. cool... my tong xiang.. wahaha... o... and the first guy i took notice of was gui deng.. he;s like this big muscular guy with a baby face.. lol.. gd combi though... didnt realli get to know him until the later part of the day... n seth was in red... he realli look familiar.. now i noe y.. coz he;s from vj... he;s 2 years my senior.. feli's batch.. so i wouldnt know him from vj.. but he has this vj look.. most of us were pretty shy pple in the beginning.. we couldnt catch the cheer fast.. i was getting worried that my og's gonna be boring..
pple started opening up when we played the ice breakers.. seth was constantly sabotaged when we played wacko becoz his name was the easiest to call... lol.. melvyn and weijie our senior was forfieted to do pole dance.. lol.. gay pole dance... so funny... they r realli enthu pple... i'll be blushing like some ang bao if i had to do tt... valerie was the leader... she's the one introducing the games and all to us.. another very onz senior...
lunch was not bad... catered buffet.. i love the campus games... the human twist thingy was the best.. it was then we started bonding... trusting each other and listening to each other... the 2 body parts games were fun too.. one of which i had to put my knee on weijin's right ear was hilarious.. it was then i got to interact with him a bit more... the guys r realli very onz... peng siang and zhi quan tried to make use of the railings so tt their legs will not be touching the grounds.. i was shocked.. haha... so enthu~!
we went to sentosa at about 4 or 5pm... the gals had to share a room with another 3 gals from pheugo.. the guys all into another room, councillor had to squeeze into another.. i was excited to meet new pple again.. the three gals are anqi, weili and pretty angela.. nice pple.. but a bit too dainty for me.. haha... cant help it... but we had a hard time squeezing all 6 of us in the room.. costa sands is realli small.. worse than the one in downtown east..
after dinner, it was time for sp interaction... i guess it's more exciting than the letter writting one tt we did in vj.. both blind folded. both got no idea about everything.. haha... i am lucky to have an enthu sp.. he took initiative to chat.. quite paiseh about tt... but i didnt noe how to get it started.. hehe.. it was quite fun... i had to feed him chocolates.. n he;s quite smart to use his hands to direct them to his mouth huh.. if not the chocolates would be everywhere.. lol... i didnt like the climbing stairs part though.. so scary.. doing all tt blind folded...
next was fright nite... cool activity... it's like haunted house.. yea i always like such stuff.. but this was diff from the usual ones that i;ve been to. becoz it;s out it the open.. in a spooky house among the trees... i was grouped with zhi quan, the commando... didnt know him tt well then.. haha when hong bee and weijin entered, we heard a lot of screams.. tt kinda make my heart beat faster.. was excited and wonderinf if it would be better than th vj one.. i got to see the brave macho side of our dear commando during fright nite.. as usual, the ghosts were not scary.. we didnt scream at all.. there were onli 2 times when some of them jumped out suddenly where we got a shock.. lol.. i'm blessed that zhi quan was with me.. he made me feel realli safe and secure.. he's like checking for all the blind spots and all... the house was realli dark... there was this corner where we tot it was a dead end... so dark tt we onli found a door to a room when we realli walk to the corner of the house.. i was realli nervous.. held onto him throughout the experience.. haha.. quite maluating.. shhhh...
the day ended at about 3am... all tired.. but i couldnt sleep... poor me.. had headaches the next day.. twice~!

day 2: beach games
yup.. i was in a daze most of the time becoz of the lack of sleep.. brain was not functioning well already... it was quite a demoralising day for LUNA becoz we lost 6 games in a row... n the natural comedian weijin reminded us that we won the animal game... haha.. the first game of the day.. cool... but i guess we got more bonded becoz of tt.. at least we tried to fite together and give our all to win the game.. it felt great... i guess it;s like playing any other softball game.. when ur team is down and no matter how hard u try, things just doesnt go ur way.. it;s realli tiring and frustrating.. i have to agree with weijie.. the frisbie game is realli pissing.. especially for me... i cant stand MCPs... the guys r like passing to each other.. and the gals r left out when no one else is guarding us.. some guy was guarding me in the beggining.. may be becoz i had the sporty look.. or did i look aggressive? haha... when the opposing team spot our weakness, we were realli like extras.. standing ard... unable to help the grp.. argh... sucks..
time passes realli fast with all of tt going on.. soon, we had dinner, bathed.. and it was sp interaction again... this time, we were asked to eat this candy mix sweet ... the long and realli sour one... we were asked to bite it at the ends.. and my sp, felix.. haha he had to chew it until i could feel his breathe... how scary... haha.. thank god the seniors stop us before anything happens.. haha..
after tt, i had to go to the seniors room for dance practice.. i was chosen for the dance competition with seth... yup.. he;s a fun guy.. vj ogl.. so pro at the dances... n blur me had a hard time trying to catch the dance steps.. but he was quite supportive.. i depended on him a lot.. he was always prompting me.. hm.. nice guy.. n he's quite sensitive.. constantly aksing me if i wan a rest becoz i was having a bad headache.. the practice ended at 3am when we got all the wacky moves in it.. not onli seth.. all the guys in LUNA are realli nice.. when i was having a headache, gui deng offered me panadol and oilment. weijin n gui deng passed me water.. seth would constantly ask if i was ok... so did the seniors... sorta felt like a queen... haha... dunno y i was so weak.. perhaps it's becoz of u noe wad.. gals... but ya... i felt so xin fu.. haha... some of the guys i know in vj arent as gentleman as LUNA guys... so yup... realli think our og pple r very nice...

day 3: beach games & SP nite
scavenger hunt was fun.. pple like me with brains not functioning well are blessed with smarties ard us.. haha.. i didnt realli help much with all the brain cracking word puzzles... better at finding clues i guess... yup.. i realise my physical fitness is still alright.. becoz we ran alot along the beach... i was running with the guys... just realised so when seth told me about it.. haha.. but running felt gd.. wasnt tt tiring... i guess it;s mentally draining when u run in the stadium... may be tt's y it's diff.. we reached there first... so cool~! haha...
LUNA is the best~! Hong dou~! Da hong dou~! i dun see the link.. realli... but it's the fastest cheer tt we caught.. hee..
highlight of the camp and the day for me was SP nite.. so cool and romantic... along the pool, we stood and waited for the guys to guess who their SPs are.. poor beckham aka david... he was dressed in this pink shirt.. haha.. poor him guessed wrongly twice and was forfieted to go on his knees and shout, "wo dui bu qi wo de sp" haha.. the rest got them right at their first guess.. so cool.. my SP was nice.. like chatting with him.. haha... he claimed tt he was pressurised becoz i knew my dance well... haha... dinner was at the beach bar... outdoor, under the stars... how romantic.. i realli love the place... it makes my heart melt, makes my legs wobble... my sp, felix was such a gentleman.. haha... he brought me food.. and as usual, he started the conversation.. haha i feel bad... but i am learning how to crap like everyone else do.. i couldnt concentrate becoz i was so nervous about the dance competition..flashes of the dance routine keep flashing thru my mind.. argh.... i could have torn my dress.. haha.. seth wasnt sitting far from me.. we exchanged looks for a few times.. i think he was nervous too.. he made this heart thumping action.. haha... didnt noe a zai dancer like him would be tt nervous too.. we rehearsed once before we went up for the competitition... i'm glad that we weren't the first 2 grps.. gave us a chance to look at the others and some time for me to physce myself up... somehow, i convinced myself.. and i let it go... kept the seniors words in mind... right seth, just have fun.. so i did.. i probabaly look kinda crazy up on the stage.. the lights were so bright. i couldnt see audience downstairs.. so tt was to my advanatage.. it was like just seth n me.. guess we were not bad la.. haha... it was like sth off my chest when all was done..
~to be continued~

o gosh... i am free today... just realised it aint tt gd after all.. i'm TOO free~! I;ve got nth to do.. been stoning ard since the time i woke up.. tt was erm... 10 or 11? played yahoo mahjong with some losers with lagging comp or lagging brains.. take freaking long to click on the buttons.. the games took forever to finish... o darn... bored to death... sigh... coach doesnt need us for today... so i've got nth to do for the rest of today.... need sth to keep me busy... some excitement in life? sth to look forward to? ya... lacking of it...

think i am getting rather pmsy again... time of the mth coming soon.. i hope it doesnt happen during my chem engin camp... it'll totally spoil everything.. coz i'll feel tired and get realli hot in the head... yup yup.. havent been able to tok to dear much.. everytime we chat on the fone, it's all about betting... i am getting a little irritated by it.. but wad to do... we dun have much to tok about.. or should i say i have nth to tell him since my life is so boring.. my weekends are normally the best.. hanging ard with dear and all... but i still think i owe my current bad mood to the lost of my dear 1 week old hp... havent been feeling too good lately... everything seems lousy right now...

hm... but i guess there's sth i could look forward to... chem engin camp starts on mon... mon to thu, i wont be home.. tt's gd becoz mum;s getting psmy too.. haha... can avoild all the war fare at home... hee... i kinda feel weird about the camp actually.. we werent told much about it.. no schedule.. no nth... i dun like to be in the position when i have no control of wad's gonna happen to me.. all we recieved was a list of things to bring for camp, time and venue to meet up... i realised i've got lots to ask. like wad's the dress code? u noe.. since we'll be meeting in NUS instead of sentosa? and erm.. instead of t shirts, can i bring sleeveless? i dun mind getting tanned since i'm super dark already... t shirts are hot. i dun like round necks too... and shorts... ahhh.. i tot of brining my sec sch pe t shirt so i can wear, dirty it and just throw.. yeah.. dun need to bring it back to wash.. but it's white... cant get wet in it.. or i'll be free show to the guys.. so... help~!

ya emailed them.. hope they reply me soon.. hm... brainstorming for things to do later.. pack my bag... play more mahjong.. and we'll explore for more yahoo games... yup bye~!

My medical checkup in UHWC

hm.. i actually read christine's blog on her medical checkup hm... a few days ago? was it sat or sun? i had mine today... went to NUS early in the morning with my mum.. reached there like 0730.. was too early since it onli opens at 0830.. yup... spent tt 1 hr in mum's office... anyway, later mum showed me how to take the shuttle bus to the place.. it's in yusoft ishak house... the canteen looks best among those that i've seen there...

anyway, i was new there.. so i was kinda blur.. daph told me i didnt have to bring anything.. so i didnt.. checket the freshmen guide too.. it wasnt written in there tt i have to bring some medical sheet thingy, like wad the nurse said... anyway, they had a photocopied one.. so i used it... first station was the wt n ht n eye sight inspection stop... i gained weight.. damn.. 53.6kg... not sure wad my measured ht was though.. didnt have the chance to see... anyway, thanks god i have my contacts on, i could see everything tested quite clearly..

2nd station was the urine test one.. alamak.. i was so nervous, having christine's experience in mind... but yeah... i had it well planned.. ok this sounds a bit disgusting... but i pee a little first.. den put the little cup there to collect it... it wasnt tt difficult after all... hee.. yeah all negative.. perfect...

3rd station.. i had to wait for my turn... wait for my no to be called... the 4 red no blinked on the digital screen and i was supposed to go to room 4.. it was my first time after all.. didnt know where it was.. i was looking ard. n this helpful guy was smiling at me, pointing to the door and saying, "here it is".. ya... was it the way he look? i sensed sneering... or was i too sensitive? yuck i didnt realli like it... had to see this doc... she look more like some chi sinseh... haha... she had grey permed hair and this typical chinese look.. had my blood pressure tested... den she made me loosed my bra and lie on this bed.. aiyo... very embarassing when she was checking my heart beat, stomach and searching for swellings on my boobs... it was ticklish... i was trying very hard not to laugh... i must have looked weird... ah nvm...

last station was the x ray thing.. ya just as wad everyone have experienced.. take a deep breath and copied.. done.. think i made a right decision to come early... so the whole thing took a while onli... didnt have to realli wait at all.. but the journey home was realli long... needa get my disc man and all prepared for uni life... need to find more frens who will be traveling like me... wouldnt be so lonely then...

I'm so unlucky. my 1 week old fone is gone~!

fuck... i lost my fone... it's onli been a week. i havent even realli played with it. nokia 7260... come on, if u picked it up, return it to me~! i know it's super new. it's tempting.. but please put urself in my shoes~!

i lost it yesterday.. my dear dear fone... went to suntec to watch intial d with chris. i was so looking forward to it. all dressed up.. not so after all, but i looked sporty and sexy? i even had heels on... chris always wanted me to wear them.. so i did... i wanted it to be a happy enjoyable date before he book in again.. sigh... i remembered clearly that my fone was still in my bag when i paid for the tickets. i had this bad feeling tt i would lose my fone if i took it out when i search for my wallet in my bag.. chris was right. i didnt want to admit then. my bag is too small. i shouldnt have brought the digi cam. but i wanted to take photos of us... i finally remembered after so many weeks and i had to lose my hp becoz of tt... wtf~!

in 30 min time, the movie would be showing so we decided to stay around the place. there was a vcd shop just right outside eng wah.. so we stayed there to watch some preview of kungfu mahjong.. i might have lost it then. i held my bag close to my legs. it's too small to hang it on my shoulders. it was open becoz it was too full. but my fone was bulging out. it sat well on top of all my other precious. hence, i doubt i dropped it. someone might have stolen it then. i was engrossed at the preview or some time.

we then went to buy pop corns. i cant quite remember if my hp was still in my bag then. it's just not in my memory for some reason. but i have this feeling tt i took out my wallet with much ease. so i might have lost it before then. i onli discovered that it's gone when i wanted to turn it to silent mode in the theatre itself. i ran out frantically to look for it. i panic. i was worried sick. i felt lost, disappointed at myself... chris is right again. i could blame it to my carelessness. even though i out my hp in my bag, i shouldnt have left it right at the top. i shouted at chris when he kept telling me tt we wouldnt be able to find it. we tried calling my no but the fone is off or the person who found it might have thrown my sim card away.. i so wanted to find it back tt i didnt want to admit tt he was right. sigh.... it was a terrible day. we didnt watch the movie in the end.. wasted 20 bucks.. didnt do anything... no mood for any of tt...

no doubt, chris was more calm than me. i should thank him for being there for me. cant imagine how i would react if i was alone. i might have broken down, burst into tears in the middle of the cinema... i was so scared. he held me in his arms as i cried. so sweet of him. thank you my dear... muackz muackz...

i blocked my line temporarily. i tot of covering it up. get a new fone and pretend tt it's the same one. at least mum wont know. she wont get angry nor sad. of coz i am afraid of facing the music. but i didnt want her to lose trust in me. i didnt want her to think that i cant take care of myself and my own things.

mum just brought me around nus since we were too early for the medical check up. sigh... she's so nice... how can i lie to her? she has the right to know.. but i dunno how to bring it up to her. thinking of the incident, the fact tt i lost it, especially when it was in my bag, just makes tears well up in my eyes... so i wrote a letter, left it on her office table. hopes she sees it and wont get angry. i should think of more precautions. perhaps i should hang my fone in front of my chest? would it be safer? wad's the point of bringing a bag then when i could lose it like tt? if i held it in my hands or kept it in my pocket, i wouldnt have complaints losing it. but it was in my bag~! did it have legs to climb out itself? it's still a mystery.. i'm still praying that my hp will come back to me.. please do.. please do...

may be i should just avoid him...

i was realli pissed yesterday... got into this deep shit when i did practically nothing.. SOOOO FRUSTRATING~! it's end of the month.. my pocket's realli tight... the worst state i've been in my 18+ years of life.. call me a drama queen for all i care... here's my deep shit story:

firstly, i used to have 100 bucks savings... tt wasnt long ago.. like about 2 weeks ago? den chris lost money... so being this soft hearted caring girlfriend, i foolishly agreed to lend him 50 bucks under some circumstances which i dun quite remember.. 50 bucks.. ya it doesnt sound like such a big deal.. y did i agree? becoz we both believed that my dear buddy Xinglong will transfer the 50 bucks to me like real soon.. he's my buddy. i trusted him. and chris needed the money. how could i say no? later, chris lost more money thru soccer betting (i hope the gov closes down sg pool and stop all illegal gambling, i seriously do hope so).. he was so broke. i couldnt bear to see him starve himself so i lend him like another 20 bucks for his meals... and i should have known... he wont spend it.. he rather gamble with it.. and wa la... all gone back to sg pool.. becoz he was so broke and we still wan to go out have fun and date and do all sort of nonsense, i started digging into my savings...

onli till yesterday afternoon, den i realise that i've spent way too much.. 40 bucks have to go for the camp. 36 for dental which i owe NDC for like months already... 100-40-36=24.. yes tt's wad i tot i had.. but i then remembered tt i've been too lazy to look for an atm to draw out cash so i used cheryl's pay. after calculating all tt, i realise i onli have 7 bucks for the rest of this month. it aint tt bad right? it's the last few days of the month. but tt 100 includes the 50 tt xinglong owe me!!!! so i panic and asked for it. he was irritated. i understand. who wouldnt when pple are pressing u for money. Money.. so sensitive... for some reason, he claimed tt i bombarded his hp with 5 sms at a time. for goodness sake, y do u pple like to owe others money for so long? when u get ur pay, pay ur debt first~! it's been wad? a week or issit 2 since he got his pay. for some reason, he just dun wan to pay me back~! and he claims tt he is broke. he doesnt have money to return me~! innocently, i got into this deep shit. and he called chris up to complain me bugging him~! HELLO~! I AM THE VICTIM HERE~! argh~!!!! and he told chris tt i am becoming more brainless becoz i "cant follow simple instructions". WTF~! yes sir! i am not recieving any commands from u bastard~! i am soo super angry~! wad the fuck do u treat me as? argh... i swear i wont get involve with such stuff anymore.. just dun bug me~!

sigh... during the last day of the camp, i dropped my fone and the LCD screen broke. so my parents sent it for repair and bought me a new one. yeah. it looks cool. but aint tt impressive after all. i wasnt very excited when i got the fone for some reason. and yesterday night, mum told me about our financial problem. she asked me if i wan another birthday present or take the fone as one. well, i guessed she need the cash. so i told her i'll pay for my new fone ans she can get me sth else.. it probably wont be tt expensive... so... i hope tt some how helped. and since coach just paid us recently, mum wont have to give me pocket money for this month, and i wont have to pay her any sum. the good thing is tt i "got" my pocket money much earlier. the bad thing is tt my 200 bucks salary from coaching my juniors r all gone... sigh...

but i am looking on the bright side of life. it's end of june~! so... coach will be paying us soon~! hehe...

chris just complained.. he bet 200 bucks with xinglong yesterday. he won, supposedly 180.. and xinglong ot his fren dun wanna pay up. they claim tt extra time is counted. like since when? even sg pool dun. sigh... i dunno wad to believe. but it seems like xinglong isnt as trustworthy as i tot.. since he looks down on me, i shall stay away from him. chris is right. i shouldnt bother about the way he sees me... i am who i am. i am confident as i am.. so who cares? i'm going to uni and lead a happy challenging life. u can do it, shirley! u're the best~! let the rest who r jealous of u, think wad they wan. they cant do wad u can do. so be happy and stay cheerful~! :)

Phew~! back from softball camp..

hello... havent blog for quite some time... i've been busy with the TK softball camp since Monday.. yesterday was the day.. now i can finally have a good rest.. hee.. ya.. i woke up at almost 12 noon.. muahaha...

Monday was the first day of thier camp.. i think they came pretty early to "check in" to their "1/2 star hotel" as most of the sec1s call it.. why only 1/2 star? they are staying in the classroom block. 3rd storey. no aircon. and wad's worse? they had to carry the green and blue gymnastic mattresses all the way to their allocated classrooms. haha.. it was quite entertaining watching them. evil me~! it reminded me of my sec sch days.. lol.. but we were more lucky to have a more supportive principal then.. thanks to all, we could sleep in the studio where there's air con and located at the ground floor... it's like one big cool classroom where everyone can sleep together and interact better.

I lost my voice and started suffering from sore throat after the first day. Then i got fever for the next 2 days.. sigh... was so sick and busy sneezing tt i was reluctant to move around or scream at the notti sec1s like i did on the first day. thank god, jan, cheryl and calista came.. they did most of the coaching. while i tried to help. i tried.. realli.. i was so sick that i wished there was a bed there for me to rest on. o our superstar feli came for the first 2 days too.. like for a while.. she's still the feli i knew when i was in my lower sec. she's realli funny.. she laffs like no one's business especially when she gets excited playing rugby.. lol... it was fun...

Wednesday was probably the more memorable day of the 4 days camp. training in the morning was more relaxed as compared as the first 2 days. in the afternoon, the sec4s came to play friendly with the sec2s... i'm glad to see that they still have the skill in them even though they havent trained for some time. angie even made a home run.. how cool~! tt strong gal make gd hits with such little effort. i tried to hit too.. wasnt too gd coz i keep popping.. but i could contact clara's ball which was fastest among the pitchers present.. so i'm quite contented after losing touch for more than a year..

The highlight of the camp started realli late on Wed night... it was the traditional performance night.. the sec2s did a great job... totally hilarious.. i like cai miao's ah beng part.... she totally behaves like one~! sec2's singing was not bad too... dian's voice is great.. the sec3s were creative.. the best among the 3 i guess... coach did a lot of talking and debriefing... while coach zhang was busy playing with Duncan, coach's dearest pet dog.. i stayed overnite with the gals tt nite because it was too late and i'm plain lazy to come back early next morning. it was fun. learnt a new game call Asshole Daidee from the sec4s... played with them till bout 2 or 3am before i turn in with the j1s... had a hard time sleeping becoz the mattress was tough... not used to it i guess...

we woke up realli late the next day. by the time we were heading for breakfast, most of the juniors were getting ready for training.. lol.. lazy us... i didnt do much during the friendly with vj team. slacked ard... o... did i ,mention tt cheryl passed her driving test already? how cool~! i'm so envious of her.. mum wont let me learn... we took coach's car out to buy fruits for her.. haha.. i was kinda worried when cheryl first started but it was smoother than i tot.. better than daph's drive.. hehe... it seemed so easy.. like playing arcade.. lol.. i suck at it though...

finally, the pitchers were to pitch for the sec2s to bat... i took the chance to hit some balls.. hee.. made a few gd hits... so happy~! hehehe... but i'm going to NUS.. probably wont play there.. may be fac games.. haha...

hm... i realli hope the sec2s will do well in their upcoming nationals.. firts game starting on wed... jia you gals... believe in urself and be strong in ur mentality~!

You are a Faerie, mischievous and fun
loving. You are friendly, flighty and can
sometimes fickle and you love the company of
others. You probably have many friends and
delight them with your stories and jokes. You
do also have a rebellious side to you though,
and you like to upset the authorities. You just
can't help it - you just love to upset the
apple-cart!

Your good points are that you're
fun, intelligent and a joy to be around - your
bad points are you can be fickle, devious and
sometimes take your tricks too far! In
addition, you can also be unaware of other
people's feelings.

You love to be in the
limelight and believe in living live to the
full - After all, life is short and not meant
to be wasted!

Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)

what kinda gal am i?

You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)

My only love comes from my only hate

i woke up realli realli early today.. 7! tt's very early for a holiday bummer like me... i was hoping tt dear will wake up early so we can head to ecp to spend some lovey dovey fun time together before i go for coaching..

i had to becoz coach was asking y we were disappearing.... no choice. he's definitely more impt than softball at this point of my life. cheryl asked me just now during training, "do u have a passion for softball?" i replied, "yes of coz" as usual, but with my most assuring and confident tone tt i could reply with. y so? becoz i was unsure to be honest.. softball is no longer my life like my sec n jc school days. someone has taken over it. yes, tt's my dear. issit too early to commit so much into such a relationship, my mum has ever asked me. now i am asking myself too.. it's been ringing in my head... on and on again.. perhaps so.. after all, i realli realli love him a lot.. i noe how much i love softball. i definitely have a passion for softball. but it's no longer the most impt thing in my life. tt's y i was unsure...

anyway, i was kinda disappointed when he didnt wake up until i called him for god knows how many times... it was about 11 then.. definitely too late to go ecp. training's at 2pm.. no ecp, no kfc lunch with him. sad. sad. sad.

i was at the comp n he started asking me about soccer odds n so. i got irritated becoz i felt tt it was meaningless to me since i wasnt gonna place my bet, n he promised not to bet anymore. wad's the point of discussing and getting so interested about it when u;re not gonna bet? i just dun understand... it started from there i think.. n we just quarreled.. up to a certain point, where we were trying to say hurtful words to each other so tt we can make each other feel the pain we're feeling. we were angry at each other. he was irritated by my rattling about how incompatible we are, tt we arent wad each other is looking for n how wrongly we stared our relationship.. he raised his voiced. he was basically screaming. my heart cracked with every word coming from him. i cried terribly. i was so confused, so sad, so frustrated, so stress tt i couldnt handle it anymore. i tried to run away.. gave up finally and told him tt we should be frens instead. i would say thankfully, he had more faith in the relationship than i have. there was this silence before he started toning down n tried to console me with tt gentle comfoting voice of his. we talked and we finally decided tt betting will no longer be a part of our conversation from then on. it was onli then tt we mangaed to sort of patched things up.

he is actually right. i am self centered to a large extent. i am domineering. i am determined to get wad i wan yet stubborn. i wan everything to go my way becoz i feel tt they r always right. am i stepping into my mom's footsteps? perhaps so... i went a bit too far? perhaps i should just respect his views a little more. let him do his thing, have his way... i gave up convincing him to stop betting.. it;s too tiring and painful.. unfortunately, i dun have the patience to continue this after about half a year.. i am not a very gd gf... i am not the girly kinda gal... i;m not the ready to die for u no matter wad kinda gal. i wont allow him to hit me. i wont allow him to tell me to do things tt i dun wan to do. tt's me. quite a bitch perhaps. i hate MCP. but perhaps i am a FCP? lol... anyone reading my blog? comments pls?

My hate towards VJC

i always wanted to say all these..

firstly, congrats to vjc soccer who got 2nd in nationals this year...

* evil grin *

since my gals are the CHAMPIONS, i believe we should have a bigger share of the field.. more priorities for the champion team perhaps?

dun mind me.. but i do feel mistreated and sorry for my team when i was representing the sch. i remebered tt i cried becoz i feel tt the sch is so baised against us just becoz we were 2nd. if every cca in vj got champs, i would shut up. but no.. then y the arrogance? y the biasness? i cried becoz i felt helpess when we wanted so much to train as hard as possible but we couldnt. i had the idea to talk the team into boycotting nationals. we're not asking for more funds. we paid extra for coach fees becoz we wanted to train as hard as we could to win the title. Definitely NOT for the school, NOT for TYH but for oursleves and my most respected coach who gave all her life for softball. we just needed cooperation, understanding n more support from the school. but unfortunately, we didnt.

we never had a sense of belonging for the school as a vjc softball team member. i never felt tt home ground was an advantage since it was such a STRANGER, soccer's territory. Pathetic. a pity.

the softball team made my days in jc, besides my class. NOT becoz it's VJC. definitely NOT. i have sportsmanship and i shall not go on further condeming these pple. but isnt it time for u pple who look down on my team and my juniors, u pple who said, "finally" when my juniors won the title, give us a break? just BUG OFF and let us do our thing. softball aint tt simple. ya it's a fact tt there arent many schools in a div. but it isnt as easy as it seems. ask ur boys to play with rj boys. see wad trashing u would get. try the vj softball boys 2005. they're the best batch tt i know of so far. they will make u see how tough it is to score a single run. pls appreciate our efforts. our opponets may be new but they r not lousy. just inexperienced. they can be as gd or even better if given a chance to pick it up earlier.

anyway, my juniors got it.. so PISS OFF if u r still gonna treat my dear juniors tt way. we're not arrogant. but if u dun appreciate it, if u think tt we can be easily replaced by any other gal in the school, think again! u dun need us then. we shall see if they get wad they deserved.

i will boycott nationals if i could turn back time. seriously~!

NOTE: i copied this from my frenster profile

i'm a very PMS-y bitch lately.. pls dun mess with me.

CAUTION~!!!!

i'm so easily irriated these days... period's coming soon i guess... i hate to deal with every single detail in my life or worse, in other's life.. i just cant tolerate all tt.. becoz tiredness + stress = ANGER cum IRRITATION... so... just dun mess with me right now... i get very moody n emotional.. the graph fluctuates terribly...

dear's been very understanding though... i love u dear.. n i thank u for tt.. he's the onli one who can take all my NO-NO... my nonsense... i dun have to hide my feelings.. but i try to keep it sometimes.. after all, he's my dear.. i love him too much to make him my "chu1 ji4 tong3".. but sometimes i get too out of control... so... erm.. i admit i am guilty of tt.. so sorry dear.. muack..

hm... he's right.. we're too close... seems like we're progressing a bit too fast without the 2 of us realising it... not physically thank you.. we're getting a bit too dependent of each other.. too clingy... i am sure i am much more commited.. i feel sorry when i cant be there for him when he's alone.. sometimes i even get angry n upset when his family has to go malaysia in the weekends when he book out.. n his pop holiday.. his family has gone to malaysia again... right after the day he pop... wth... so... ok i am no one to comment on tt.. but.. isnt it a bit too #@$%$#^&^%& ? sigh... cant blame him for being so dependent on me for company i guess...

ok sudden loss of words... think it means THE END for this entry.. so bye...

BrOkE BrOkE BrOkE~!

yes broke... sigh... guess wad.. it's true that women need a lot of time to doll up... i dunno y... i didnt do much.. i didnt out on make up.. but i just took like ages toget ut of the house.. agreed to meet dear at 1215 in city hall.

i remebered looking at the clock then.. it was 1136? had my lunch.. which took about 15 min.. den granny physcoed me to agree to doing the laundry.. it is a simple task after all.. she poured the clothes into the washing machine and i just have to give my fingers a few moves of aerobic workout and *tada DONE~! yup yupee.. den i jumped into my deadly purple spag n white skirt and was ready to go. when i last checked the time, it was 1203 already... my fone then beeped.. dear's msg.."i'm onli at paya lebar. how to reach in time?" so i tot ok.. i can take my time... but i forgot about the problem of lagging thru hp trasmissions...

at about 1209, dear msg again.. he has reached. i was like "OMG... i'm so dead.." i was still on my way to the mrt station. serangoon not city hall.. damn.. lol... so i panic and decided to hopped into a cab.. dear called numerous times and i refused to tell him where i was.. he would kill me if he knew tt i was about 300m away from my house.. lol... thankfully i didnt make him wait too long. the cab was fast.. reached at bout 1220? cant remeber.. but yea... it was so damn expensive.. cost me 7.80 damn...

since we would miss suntec's movie by the time we make our way thru the LONG LONG city link to suntec, we decided to head for marina. as i've checked, we were in time for the 1255 Cursed.. great... and it was damn cool.. great 2h... our 16 bucks was well-spent.. we had the entire theatre all to ourseleves.. so cool... no one else watched the show.. hee... and we had centre couple seats... good for cuddling.. keke.... *^_^*

o i spent 8 bucks for popcorn combo.. damn.. it's freaking ex.. how much does the corn cost man? n tt coke from some syrup tt u add water to.. n... the so called free-gift, mr n mrs smith notebook... lame... it's just a way to blind silly consumers like, make us feel tt our 8 bucks is spent more worthy than a 7.30 popcorn combo tt doenst have tt note book.. argh... i'm pretty broke.. but it's worh it for every cent i spent when i am with dear.. he pays for almost everything.. he doesnt like me paying.. so i try to chip in when i can.. hee.. but i still feel kinda ridculous for tt 8 bucks popcorn combo...

after lunch, we headed to vj to collect my cert.. the office was under renovation... terrible.. all the dust in the air... wonder how they can tolerate it.. the cert was kinda ugly.. pink n grey... wad kinda colour combi is tt man? eek~! time flies when u;re having a gd time... it's 4 plus then... so we took 76 home.. coincidentally dear was invited to his ns fren's house for a party and tt guy actually stays 4 stops away from me.. lol.. i so want to tag along especially when it's so damn near... hee.. but then again, it's not so nice.. coz in the first place, tt the party was meant to be a get together for the platoon and dear's not from the same platoon... he doesnt even not tt guy's frens well.. so it would be worse for me.. yup yup... so here i am blogging here... time's up... chao~!

Gambling sux

yeah it sux man... i didnt buy japan win, didnt buy pick the score.. didnt buy singapore win... fuck shit... bulls eye man~! i didnt even check football stats. my instincts told me when i looked at the odds.. merely just took a glance... shit... japan won some team.. cant remember which.. 0-1... shit~! i got the score right too~! even if i bet with the min amt of 5 bucks, i would have won back wad i lost last time when i tried to help dear win back some. sianz... n the whole world seemed to be buying malaysia then. some how or rather my instincts told me to buy singapore.. i remember sg was the black horse since its odds was higher... sigh.... not fated i guess... i just told myself, if i had the chance to walk past sg pool, i'll buy 5 or 10 bucks... damn~! too bad i didnt.. sigh... i would have if i didnt force dear to quite betting.. role model u see... i shouldnt bet when i asked him not to. i'm not addicted. i'm not into betting at all. i dun care how high or low the odds are. i just like it when i guess the score right or got the right winner. yea... so it's not so bad tt i didnt bet afterall.. just tot tt if i could win back tt 25 bucks tt i lost becoz stupid tampines n geylang had to keylong when they havent for the past few sleague matches tt i guessed. i knew i was right. they KEYLONG~! o nvm... haha... it doesn matter anymore anyway...

n i lost my ring today... the pretty n special one tt dear bought for me... my dear ring.. i lost it at home.. u noe y i cant find it? i'm very sure tt my mum kept it when she found the ring on the table. i left it there when i had to squeeze some lemons to prepare lemon tea... argh.. she just wan me to get kan chiong right? just wana see my reaction.. guess wad... i knew it. n i didnt react the way u were hoping me to. ;P anyway, when i came back, i found it on the table... hiding among all the stuff.. all the containers... on the table.. i clearly remembered tt i left it at the corner of the table.. someone must have placed it there. if it's not my mum, it's definitely my cheeky dad... eeek~!

hm.. mum says OCC having promotion for their resorts... 108 for members... include breakfast for 2 and bbq for a family? my god... tt's cool.. so cheap.. i wanna get it for deare if i can... hee....

what do i realli wan?

finally managed to talk to my mum... had a heart to heart chat with her for like 3 hours~! ha... it's always like tt... well, this time, i reminded myself throughout the chat, to listen to her opinions more insteadof defending my stands and my beliefs as usual... it worked.. it was an open n peaceful chat... not realli tt peaceful after all.. u'll know y later...

hm... she brought up many points which i totally agree.. in fact i've seen all tt even before she brought it up... it's true... when i go uni, i'll be very busy.. i'll have much lesser time with dear... not sure if he would mind.. not sure if any of us will have 2nd tots about our relationship and not be able to resist the temptations around us.. it is quite true to say tt we will be in different stages of our lives and experiencing diff things... our minds will mature and change...

would he still be the one i love?
would we differ so much that we can no longer compromise with one another? would he mind tt people ard me and myself r uni grads?
would he develop low self esteem?
(i certainly hope not.. his confidence is one of the positive qualities i like about him... )
would we have common goals in life?
(it'll be real tough if we dun)

so many doubts, so many questions, so many uncertainties.. i wished i knew how we would be like in future.. i do not wan to get hurt. if i have to, i rather feel it now then later. becoz love will grow with time. if there's no love, there's no hate. if i'm gonna feel the pain later, ít may become unbearable... it's a turning point of my life... i'm not sure which way to go...

talked to dear today... cried like shit on the bus to his house... i knew it was coming... i knew he wouldnt accept the idea of going for a degree... i understand how hard it would be.. academically, he hasnt done well enuff to go to a local uni... finacially, he cant afford thousands of dollars for a typical 3 or 4 year course... but i just hope tt he will upgrade so he can get a better job in future... it's not jus for me.. it's for himself.. n us.. our future... i dun wish to have any gap between us... sigh...

but wad he said was true... we're not facing the problem yet.. shouldnt get too panaroid about it.. i agree.. i jus wan both of us to be aware of it... so tt we can be prepared and will be able to overcome the obstacles better.... sigh.. keeping my fingers crossed....

It's tough to be the eldest child...

on bad terms with my mum again.. it's kinda sad.. i cant communicate with her. we dun understand each other... ya... i'm very envious of pple getting along so well with their mums as if they are friends.. u noe.. it's a pity... we have different opinions on everything even though the same blood runs in our veins... damn... i'm as tired and sick of this deteoriating relationship.. i never had any intentions to worsen it... if i ever did, blame it on my carelessness and insensitivity.. i know i am.. at times...

i've finally decided on NUS... the seniors and profs played a huge part in it... met them.. had seven to one sessions.. and it was very informative... yet casual... cool i've decided to go for chem engin camp too... since i'm going there all alone.. need to know more pple... she's definitely very happy tt i chose NUS.. sets her mind at ease.. my choice.. partly for her... she must be thinking, "for once, she's listening to me, hedding my advice"... *roll eyes.. come on, i always did... it just takes time to process thru my own set of values... and i noe.. i'm rebellious.. the trick is.. not to challenge me... u wont get wad u wan if u push it too hard...

anyway, back to the prob of my life... yes.. u didnt hear it wrongly.. PROB OF MY LIFE... it will probably be haunting me all my life.... u noe... i realise how little she understands me... all her claims.. she got no idea that i've thought of all the things she said way before all her complaints.... yes i have taught of working part time or giving tuition to earn more, or at least enuff for my pocket money.. but i have a responsibility, a commitment now... it's filial piety... i need to repay my coach... it's been 2 mths? but i cant let it go now.. becoz june will be intensive training mth for my dear hopeful juniors... i cant work part time.. becoz no job will allow me to choose when i wanna work... i wouldnt like my weekends to be taken away.. i had a taste of it.. not being able to visit granny n have dinner with the family on sat.. is quite sad.. n i will also lose time with dear chris.. and tuition... sounds easy huh? but i dun wanna start sth i cant commit for long.. it just aint fair for the kid if i just drop it when uni starts... i'm not sure if i can cope... but some seniors did.. so.. now.. i tot of giving it a try.. but where do i get the kids from? someone pls help me promote... pri to sec shouldnt be a prob... jc.. maybe chem n maths also can make it..

she thinks i'm tt immature... i gotta live up to her expectations.. how her eldest child should be like.. wad kinda person she wanna me to be like.. sick of it man.... yes u noe u cant force me to do anything i dun wan.. i've always been much more independent than the other 2 boys.. i had no choice.. tt was how i was brought up.. since i have 2 younger bro... so dun blame me for believing in myself so much... it takes some time for me to process other's advises or opinion.. i'm not a sponge.. i dun accept and suck up everything tt comes along.. isnt tt gd? having a mind of my own? ah... ya... i'm very sure my mum's advises are for my own good.. no doubt about tt... but pple do make mistakes, don't they? i do, don't u? if i did not stick thru the rough times of handling both softball n my studies, i wouldnt be who i am today.. my positive attributes that softball has shaped me into... i'm proud of it.. and myself... i'm glad i didnt let u stop me..

i still cant tok to her.. sigh.. i dunno how... we're a distance apart... i got no prob toking to my dad if i wan to... my mum... she just shows tt black face all the time.. never cools down and listen to me... when i pour out my feelings, she always have her "definitely right, dun doubt me"arguments... arh... i dunno how to tok to her... i wan to... but i'm helpless...

pple.. read my testimonial... i am a gd listener... a team coordinator in my PW group.. not to get points... but its me.. from the bottom of my heart.. i saw it coming.. all the inetrnal disputes... it's for the benefit of my group... i am self centered.. but i am open and do accept others'opinions... so hello... dun tell me i dun listen to u~!

NUS or NTU?

I got a headache seah... yes... good... NUS offered me chem engin too... but no... unfortunately and fortunately, I'll have to choose between the two... obviously my mum wans me to go NUS.. why? becoz she works there... transportation wise is so much easier n cheaper... but u noe how mug nus is... n i hate tt... i believe in an all rounded education. i dun wanna just mug my entire 4 years thru like tt.. i wanna play halls games, wanna join clubs.. wanna forge life long frenships..n nus have this sickening bidding system for certain courses or lectures.. wa so sianz... wth... n ntu... it's more lively.. yes it seems... but it's so freaking far... yes it's still in singapore.. but i dun wanna spend 3h to n fro... wad a waste of time.. if i were to study in NTU, i would have to stay in the hostel... n man's fav comes along.. $$$$$$ .... sigh... i dunno.. tml there's NUS fac of engin open house... hope it's gd n realli informative.. so i can compare and finally decide.. my parents are anxious.. both asking me where i would choose right after i start reading the letters and booklets.. it's my future.. i realli gotta stop and think carefully...

hm.... o... did situational fielding with the sec1s today... at the same time, we taught the sec1s how to run bases too... hm.. running bases was much easier i guess.. for me, i focused more on the sec2s... i think tt their basics r good.. just tt they r not experienced enuff.. sometimes very blur... especially when there r more than 1 runners running.. poor thing.. a few of them cried... becoz they didnt do well today and they feel pressurized to win the championship title... it's like it's somehow becoming a tradition for TKGS to win C div champion... so.. ya.. i understand... but then again, i was surprised... coz i didnt expect these young gals to be so ambitous... to think so far... it's like nationals wont start in a mth time... they havent even played a national game... u noe.. dun think about the outcome... focus on the process and the outcome will take care of itself... hm.. it never realli got into me.. not such things... i aim to get the title... but i dun worry? hm... anyway shaz talked to them... n i hope they r ok... their next training is in june camp.. hope they cna gain more confidence in themselves.. another thing is... i do wish to talk to them... not tt i'm good with words.. but i feel tt they need to strengthen their mental skills... yes skills.. it is a skill... those were the day when we were lucky to have ms tng... who did so much.. organised mental training sessions for us.. i think they need it to... but we dun have it anymore... may be i can tok to them.. share a bit of wad i've learnt.. i wanna help them...