13th aug 2005 - my worst birthday ever

main activity of the day? crying.. lots n lots of crying... before i left my hse, she flared up... perhaps i was too insensitive.. i should have seen it coming. she's probably stressed up with work.. she is.. according to dad.. her complaints for the past few weeks... should have seen it coming...

have i not done enuff for the family? i'm 19 and i have to be told wad to do.. should i be ashame of it? ya perhaps so.. i admit tt i havent contributed much.. perhaps... i mug, i sleep, i eat at home.. besides being toilet manager every sunday... it seems like tt's all i've been doing... issit not enuff? may be so.. at least to mum.. i know she's tired... but i can never fully understand it until i go to work myself.. alright.. i'll do more.. i always wanted to.. just never knew where to start.. i check them out.. i'm concern.. just never been able to open my stupid gold mouth to ask wad i could help out with... tt's my fault.. perhaps i have to realli show it.. cant assume tt pple will noe.. especially not her since she dun seem to understand me at all.. we dun understand each other at all..right.. we'll start tml.. default dish washer.. sth to begin with..

wad's wrong with going out on weekends? everyone is doing it? i keep one of the days free for the family.. stay at home and be the guai guai ger.. i've never been out late.. not after 10.15pm before.. onli once when i went to catch finals of champions league.. got screwed upside down by her again.. reached home at 12 plus.. got realli screwed.. tt very one time i assumed tt she knew the match will end tt late... it's my fault.. i shouldn't have assumed.. she never watched soccer.. wad can i say? n sat was my birthday.. my special day.. she couldnt excuse me.. not even for tt day..

i tot we agreed tt i'll be back by 10 to cut the cake wthbthe family.. she didnt object at all on fri nite when i told her.. ahh.. i'm angry. i'm disappointed.. may be she didnt mean it.. but i'm still realli upset... realli wished she didnt scold me like tt before i leave the house.. my whole day was ruined... i wept on the mrt.. i was all dressed up.. pretty and happy like how a birthday gal should be.. but i cried my eyes out... they were so swollen.. my nose was so red... i was so ugly.. chris said tt thrice on tt day. how hurting...

i wasnt in the mood.. but i had to try since chris was there to celebrate it with me.. we watched wedding crasher.. n guess wad.. i think it's supposed to be a comedy? n i cried like 3 times? n perhaps i was so carried away by all tt has happened, i was insensitive to him.. i said pretty harsh things to him.. he couldnt take it.. and he walked off, left me alone crying in the middle of PS.. i dunno.. perhaps i expected too much.. i tot he will understand.. i tot he will be there to console me instead of telling me tt i have too many commitments, this n tt... he even started blabbering about our problems.. thanks man.. i am sure tt made me feel much better.. -.-" it made things so much more complicated for me.. i was wrecked.. i was realli sad.. i realise how weak i am.. i was so confused.. felt so frustrated. so terrible tt i had the idea of jumping down some building and end it all just like tt... i m serious..

well, thankfully or may be not.. chris was there for me to cry on.. at least there's someone to hold me.. if not who knows wad will happen.. went to kino to find my organiser.. didnt buy one in the end coz it's super ex! i bought the refill papers.. n yea.. guess wad.. i made one myself.. haha...

i wanted to share it badly with someone, someone mature, a gd listener.. i opened my fone.. n saw dad's msg.. so sweet.. n my instincts told me he was the one.. i probably complained too much.. got carried away.. and again, expressed myself wrongly.. chose the wrong words.. was too straightforward tt i sounded blunt.. never expected mum to read the msgs, especially not before dad did.. n ya.. she got even angrier.. left the house, didnt came back for dinner, didnt came back till 10 plus, 11.. wad's worse? i'm home becoz of her.. n she didnt wan to cut the cake with me coz she was still so angry.. sigh... how much worse can my birthday get?

shirley shirley.. u're strong.. n pls do try to cheer urself up.. i'm relieved, happy tt all my frens r so concerned.. many of them have heard about my bad day.. n sent sweet msgs to console me.. thanks dearies... u guys made me feel much better.. i know u guys care.. tt's y i love luna so much.. they're so sweet... n thanks to all my other frens who showed care n conern... love ya lots..